


More Light than Heat

by phonecallfromgod



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Multi, Paper Towns AU, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 11:43:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 62,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7359901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phonecallfromgod/pseuds/phonecallfromgod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Todd Anderson has spent a lifetime adoring his former best friend, the enigmatic Neil Perry, from afar. But when Neil disappears and leaves behind a disconnected path of clues it's Todd who must make the choice to follow them; wherever they may lead. Based on the novel Paper Towns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Light than Heat

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my fanfiction.net account HeadinTheClouds13 on 01/28/13, re-edited and completed 01/07/16.

prologue.

The thing about Neil Perry was that it was hard for Todd to really pinpoint the moment he fell in love with him. It was like trying to pinpoint becoming drunk- you knew when you started drinking and you knew when you woke up with a hangover, but that actual moment of intoxication was elusive.

What wasn't elusive was the moment Neil and Todd stopped being best friends. They had been nine, best friends since children and practically inseparable; or they had been until Neil was put in a different fourth grade class. Suddenly, they were a lot more separable. It wasn’t that Todd couldn't handle Neil having other friends, it was just that those friends weren't _his_ friends. Suddenly Neil was off gallivanting with Charlie Dalton and they had jokes and games and things Todd wasn't a part of. But Todd still got to see him, after school usually, or on the weekends. Neil was still his best friend and he was still Neil's, but it was different.

Then sixth grade rolled around, and instead of going to the public middle school Neil's father decided he would be better suited going to a different, private middle school on the other side of town. Suddenly Neil was gone at 6:00am on the bus and didn't come home well after 5, and even then he was usually whisked off to one of the dozens of extracurricular activities his father insisted he join. Neil's weekends were filled with homework and soccer practice while Todd sat in his bedroom and found solace in books. Sometimes he would stare out his window into Neil's bedroom and there he'd be, reading a book or doing homework. And Todd thought it was odd, how they could be so close but he still felt so far away from this boy who not so long ago he had shared everything with.

The realization that he was in love with Neil, however, was easy to pinpoint. It had been sometime in the winter, not long after Todd had turned 13. There had been a freak snowstorm and Todd had been sent out to shovel the driveway, a fruitless endeavor since the snow was coming down faster than he could clear it away. Neil's parents had apparently had the same idea, and for the first time in ages they were both in the same place at the same time. They’d _talked_. It was like nothing had even changed. Neil complained about his dad, while Todd nodded along sympathetically and made stupid jokes. By the time their driveways were clear, Todd was freezing and aching all over, hands almost frozen around his shovel, but happier than he’d felt in ages.

That night he dreamt that he and Neil were standing outside in the snow again. Neil held out his gloved hand.

“I want to show you something” he said, only his mouth wasn't moving. Somehow they ended up on Neil's roof, the whole town spread out beneath them, much more beautiful than it ever was in reality.

“I want to show you something.” Neil said again, his eyes impossibly large and brown as he leaned over and kissed Todd in the falling snow.

That was when Todd jerked awake, the fact finally clicking into place after all these years. He was irrevocably, irrationally, head-over-heels in love with Neil Perry.

 

i.

Todd is late. He glances down at the clock for what must have been the millionth time that morning, stuck behind the world's slowest car, tapping his fingers irritatedly on the steering wheel.

“You _had_ to stop for Dunkin’ Donuts.” Todd says to Knox.

“Hey, I'm asking a girl out. I need the sugar rush for courage.” Knox says, his mouth full of Boston cream.

“Prom is stupid.” Todd says. He doesn't get it at all. The chance to pay $50 to hang out with people he sees every day and listen to music he doesn't like? No thanks.

“You wouldn't think that if Neil Perry asked you to prom.” Knox retaliates. Because he's a douchebag.

“I could pull over right now and let you walk to school.”

“Indeed you could” Knox agrees because they both know Todd won't. Not so much because he's a good person, but because he wants more donuts. “Speaking of Neil, did you hear?”

“Hear what?”

“Ginny and Neil broke up.”

Todd almost slams on the brakes. “What!?”

“Yeah, or at least that's what I heard from Gloria.”

“Gloria doesn't know anything. One time she asked me if people in Canada really have a Moose President.”

“That's ridiculous. Everyone knows Canada has a Moose Prime Minister. But she seemed pretty confident they had broken up.”

“Too bad,” Todd says turning into the student parking lot.

“Yeah right,” Knox says through a mouthful of donut, “You were always going on about how she wasn't good enough for him.”

That was true- but not in a mean way. Ginny Danbury was beautiful, smart, funny, and talented but somehow she never quite matched Neil’s glowing aura of charisma. It wasn’t like he’d said she wasn't good enough for Neil in a way that implied that he himself was. Ginny may not have been on Neil’s level - but then again who was? - but at least they had always been in the same league. Besides, at least half of the girls in their school seemed to have a crush on Neil, he'll have a prom date by the end of the day and probably a new girlfriend by the end of the week.

“You know,” Knox says, unbuckling himself and opening the door of Todd's very cool second-hand minivan, “there's still time to buy a prom ticket … ”

“I'm not going,” Todd says.

“Come on! Even Meeks is going. Meeks! He never goes to this kind of thing, but even he understands the importance of _prom_.”

“He's going because the principal is paying him to make sure the sound system doesn't crash like last year. And unlike Meeks I wouldn't go even if you paid me to, so stop asking!”

“It's funny,” Knox says, “I always had this idea in my head like you were a shy boy who never had opinions on anything. And then I got to know you.”

Knox Overstreet had actually gone to the same private school as Charlie and Neil, but he and Todd had become friends at the beginning of ninth grade when they were partnered up on a science project. They had gotten a D on the project, but they'd formed a tentative friendship - partially over their mutual dislike of Charlie Dalton. Knox and Charlie had been friends until a girl at summer camp came between them. Todd had made the mistake of asking about it once, only to receive a very melodramatic retelling courtesy of Knox.

“So, who's today's victim?” Todd asks, pulling his locker open as Knox hovers beside him with the box of donuts.

“I was thinking of Tina … uh … I dunno her last name. Gloria's friend.”

“Really?” Todd crams a textbook into his bag. “Well, good luck.” He sidesteps Knox.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Knox calls after him, “Oy! What's that supposed to mean!?”

Todd's seven minutes late for his first class of the day, the only one he shares with Neil Perry.

“How nice of you to join us Mr. Anderson,” Dr. Hagar says as Todd stumbles into his seat beside Steven Meeks, ducking his head in embarrassment. Todd could never understand why someone as rigid and stuck in his ways as Dr. Hagar was teaching a philosophy class in the first place. Although they were encouraged to put forth new ideas and their own interpretations, there was always the impression that anyone who strayed too far outside the norm would be criticized. One time Charlie Dalton had pointed out that Descartes was really jumping to conclusions presuming the existence of God because the idea of a perfect being was in his mind. Dr. Hagar had made him write an essay on why he thought he was smarter than Descartes.

“So,” Meeks says, leaning over once  Dr. Hagar returns to his exam review lecture. “You hear about Neil and Ginny?”

“That really happened?”

“Yeah, Gerard told me. Apparently they had a big fight after the cast party and Neil stormed out.”

“I hope he's okay.” Todd hazards a glance across the room to where Neil is sitting, laughing and joking with one of his friends. He sure doesn't look like someone who just broke up with his girlfriend of  nearly two years. “I mean maybe it's just a little spat or something.”

Meeks shrugs and turns back to his review sheet.

Everything about this whole Neil/Ginny break-up doesn't make sense. They had always seemed so happy together. Not that it's really Todd's business; he's not even friends with Neil anymore. The last time they’d spoken was at a party Neil had thrown at his house, Todd had suspected he’d only been invited because it would have been awkward not to. He didn't even want to go, but Knox had forced him. “You're going to be annoyed by the party anyways, you live right next door, so why not be annoyed up close?” He’d said, which was a rubbish argument.

Todd had been standing in the living room, wedged between the keg and a couple who were making out sloppily, wishing he had just stayed home.

“Hey!” came a voice from behind him, “You made it!” Neil was grinning at him like a madman.

“Uh, yeah, Knox really wanted to come, so … ” Todd trailed off. “Nice party,” he said with what he hoped was at least some level of sincerity.

“Typical high school bullshit, but I guess everyone has to throw one once, huh?” Neil said, leaning against the keg. “It's funny, every time I go to one of these parties I always think 'this'll be what all those great high school movies were talking about! I'm really going to carpe this diem!' and then when I get there it's all the people I see all day, every day. Only now they're drunk and horny.”

“Noctum,” Todd said without thinking.

“What?”

“It's, uh, carpe noctum if it's at night, not carpe diem. Unless you're going to weird parties during the day or something.”

Neil smiled at him, a strange sort of smile like he was _proud_ of Todd or something. “Todd, I - ”

“Neil!” Ginny called from behind them. “Can you come help me with this?”

Neil turned. “Uh, yeah sure.” He looked back at Todd. “I'll be back in just a sec.”

He didn't come back.

Todd's jerked out of his stupor by a paper plane hitting him in the side of the face. He looks down at it: ' _WILL YOU GO TO PROM W/ ME?'_ it reads in large looping letters. He looks up, confused, because who the hell would ask _him_ to prom.

Charlie Dalton is waving his hands and shaking his head. “ _It's for Steven!_ ” He stage whispers, and Todd folds it in half and slides it onto Meeks' desk. Meeks opens it, reads it, makes a disgusted noise and turns around to flip Charlie off just as the bell rings.

“What the hell was that about?” Todd asks, following Meeks into the hall.

“I have no idea. I think it's a bet or a dare or something. Ask the only openly gay kid in school to prom, hilarious, original, blah blah blah. I mean, I'm just insulted that he isn't being more creative about it.” Meeks rolls his eyes and yanks his locker open. For someone whose mind is so orderly, his locker is kind of a disaster. Which is weird, because Todd has seen his room and it's freakishly clean. “Whatever, Dalton is all bark no bite. I'm sure it'll all blow over soon.”

“EMERGENCY! MAYDAY MAYDAY!” Knox shouts, rushing down the hall towards them. “Prom-mergency!” He skids to a stop in front of them. “I have a problem.”

“We've heard” Meeks says dryly. “Along with the rest of the northern hemisphere.”

Knox, however, is not listening and instead launches straight into his story, “So there I was, just wandering past the caf, and there I see Tina sitting with her friends. Nice, not-too-popular, not-too-pretty, not-too-bright Tina. So I walk up to her table all cool, and I asked her and … ”

“And?”

“And she said _yes_ ”

Todd and Meeks exchange glances.

“And that's your emergency? That's not an emergency, that's a miracle,” Meeks says.

“No, but you don't understand, it wasn't Tina!” Knox exclaims, then lowers his voice. “It was _Chris_.”

“Wait a minute, how could you possibly confuse Chris Noel with Tina? You've had a crush on Chris since forever.” Todd says, grabbing a history textbook out of his bag.

“I don't know! I just … well they're both blonde!”

Meeks snorts. “Great powers of deduction, Sherlock. Look I have to go, I have chem, but please, I'd like to hear all the excruciatingly embarrassing details later.”

“What am I going to do?” Knox moans as they walk to history class.

Todd frowns. “I don't get it. Why are you so upset? Isn't going to prom with Chris like your biggest dream come true?”

“More like my nightmare. Chris Noel has standards, she's beautiful and smart and perfect. I don't want to be the reason her prom is ruined. Like, what if I get her a corsage that doesn't match her dress? Or the limo breaks down? What _then_?”

“You should have auditioned for the play. You’re becoming very theatrical.”

“Voicing your fears and emotions is healthy,” Knox mutters - a side effect of having a mother who's a therapist, Todd supposes. Knox is very in touch with his emotions.

“Knox!” Chris calls from across the room, sitting with a group of her friends. “Come sit with us.”

Knox gives Todd an apologetic glance before practically racing across the room. Todd sighs and sits in his usual seat on the other side of the room. Cameron leans over his desk. “So I heard Chris agreed to go to prom with Overstreet. I'm pretty sure that's a sign of the apocalypse.”

Here was the thing about Richard Cameron: it wasn't that he was inherently a jerk, he just had this way of speaking which made his jokes go from funny to douchey. Or maybe it was his face. Either way, Cameron wasn't half bad, you just had to look past the wall of douchebaggery he had built up.

“Yup, frogs, plagues, and Knox going to prom, the end is nigh,” Todd deadpans, rummaging around in his bag for his pen.

He darts a glance over to Knox, who's smiling in a dopey lovestruck sort of way at Chris. Maybe it's mean, but Todd sort of hopes this doesn't turn into a real relationship. Even if he's only here for the rest of the summer, he'd rather not spend it being Knox and Chris' third wheel. Or worse, being abandoned again. He tries to push the thought out of his brain. Knox is happy in his own weird, panicky way, so Todd should just be happy for him.

History drags on, when the bell finally goes for lunch, Todd quickly slips out of the door, not bothering to wait for Knox. Last time Todd checked, he was talking to Chris animatedly, probably about matching his tie to her dress or something. Knox was more unabashedly excited about prom than most of the girls at school and completely unapologetic about it.

“Hey,” Meeks says, appearing suddenly at Todd's side. “Cameron texted me, something about death of the firstborns? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“The world is ending because of Knox and Chris' prom date.”

“I think it's kind of cute, even if it's weird and against the laws of nature. Like a unicorn.” Meeks pulls open his locker, and barely avoids a small avalanche of school supplies.

“You've been spending too much time with Gerard.”

“Probably.” Meeks agrees. “What are you doing for lunch?”

“Well, I was going to eat with Knox but he'll probably sit with Chris. Why?”

“I was going to go study for physics but I can do it later, I don't want you to have to eat alone.”

Todd's oddly flattered by this but he shakes his head. “No, that's okay. I have a bunch of stuff to get done anyways, you go ahead.”

“You sure?” He asks

“Yeah, no big deal.” Todd catches Knox gesturing to him out of the corner of his eye. He's still with Chris and one of her friends. “See ya later.”

Chris Noel is the kind of girl people tend to underestimate. Sure, she's beautiful and rich with a fondness for sundresses and pastel colours, but she’s got a surprisingly sharp wit and is captain of the school's champion academic decathlon team. To be honest, she kind of terrifies Todd. Though she's smiling nicely enough when he approaches them.

“You going to come eat lunch with us?” Knox asks, already seeming less like the panicked kid eating donuts in his car this morning and more like Neil or Charlie: confident, cool, collected.

“Uh, if you don't mind.”

“Of course we don't mind,” Chris says sincerely, “The more the merrier. We were going to go to The Davenport, if that's good with you.” Todd nods mutely.

The Davenport is the fancy restaurant at the country club just outside of town. Todd's parents are members, but he hasn't been there since his brother's graduation. It's not usually the kind of place that high school students go to eat lunch, but as aforementioned Chris Noel is filthy rich. She isn't obnoxious about it like some of the other kids Todd knows, but she doesn’t try to hide it like he does.

A lot of kids at Todd's school were rich, but that's what happens when a school area includes a pricey old-fashioned gated community. The thing is, there are lots of different types of rich - there’s new-money rich like Knox's parents who were both highpaid professionals, old money rich like Neil's family, who had inherited their house and good name, but who actually lived pretty modestly, or a winning combination of both like Todd’s own parents.

The Davenport isn't very busy at noon on a Tuesday, just a smattering of older ladies gossiping and one group of newly retired men fresh from a game of golf. Chris and Knox had talked excitedly about prom the whole drive there.

“It's good to see Chris happy,” says her friend Audrey, who Todd recognizes from his math class. “She's been so down since Chet broke up with her.”

But Chris doesn’t seem down as she places her order and smiles at the waiter, who knows her by name. He doesn't want to have to use his credit card so Todd just orders a salad. His parents said they trusted him when they gave it to him, and that as long as he paid the bill he could use it as he liked. They _said_ that, but Todd knows if he uses it he'll have his dad calling him up the moment school is over to interrogate him on what he bought. Like his parents think he's going to use a visa to buy drugs and hookers. His parents are weird like that.

“So, Todd,” Chris says. “Knox said you weren't going to prom. I know a number of girls who'd love to go with you, I could set you up!”

“Uh,” Todd says.

“That's a great idea, we could share the limo,” Knox interjects.

Todd shoots him a look. “Uh, thanks for the offer, Chris, I'm, uh, just not really into prom.” He hates the way his voice gets all shaky and quiet when he talks to people he doesn't know very well, but he really can't help it.

Chris makes a sympathetic noise. “Well, okay. But let me know if you change your mind. Gosh, don't you think he and Ginny would be the cutest couple? They're both so shy and sweet.”

“Is Ginny even going to prom?” Audrey asks, delicately cutting her chicken into pieces.

“Maybe, she has a dress and everything. It's weird she doesn't seem all that upset about the break-up. I mean, her and Neil were hanging out this morning like everything was totally normal.”

“It might have just been a mutual break-up” Knox offers.

Chris rolls her eyes. “Oh please, there's no such thing as a mutual break-up, that's what the person who gets dumped says because no one likes to admit they got dumped. It's just so _weird_. I mean who dates for two years and then has a huge fight and breaks up and then acts completely normal a few days later?”

Todd likes to pretend he's above this sort of high school gossip, but it does seem strange, even for Neil Perry who has always been a mystery.

They pull back into the school parking lot just as the bell rings to signal the end of lunch. Knox hangs back to chat longer with Chris - they really are disgustingly cute together - so Todd walks into the building with Audrey.

“See you around Todd,” she calls as he walks to his locker, as if they've been good friends for years instead of two near strangers who shared the backseat of a car.

The rest of the day is typical and boring. He spends his free period working on his study notes for philosophy and history, then his math teacher spends the entire class going over how to use the answer card for the exam, as if it were a class of ninth-graders using them for the first time. It's all very dull, and between that and the heat Todd is feeling sleepy already as he packs his bag and walks out to the student parking lot. There's a note folded under his windshield wiper;

_Going to the mall with Chris to help her find shoes for prom. -K.O._

Todd tucks the note in his pocket and climbs into the car. Once in tenth grade Knox had tried to get people to start calling him K.O. (because he was a knock-out, or something) but it never took hold, just like at the beginning of the year when Meeks insisted everyone stop calling him by his last name. That was the thing about high school, you can't change things once they have stuck.

Todd pulls into the parking lot behind the bookstore where he works, narrowly avoiding one of the million alley cats that live behind the building. Todd has told Keating a hundred times to stop feeding them, but Todd knows he still does the second he leaves. Keating is generally a nice guy, maybe a little eccentric, but he's nice to Todd and doesn't mind if he works on his homework when business is slow.

The bell jingles as Todd pushes through the front door, and there's no one in the store except for a 30-something mom pushing a stroller that looks like an off-road vehicle. That's pretty typical for a weekday afternoon, their clientele mostly bored housewives in book clubs or Nicholas Sparks enthusiasts. It drives Todd nuts, but Keating is pretty zen about the whole thing. He must have accepted it a long time ago.

Todd dodges around the off-road-stroller and heads to the back room. Keating is lounging on his hammock reading _The Great Gatsby_ for what must be the millionth time.

“Hey Captain,” Todd says, because Keating insists on it. Though Todd thinks that giving yourself a nickname based on a poem - especially one about Abraham Lincoln - is a little pretentious, as long as Keating is employing him he'll keep his mouth shut.

“Ah, Todd” Keating says looking over the top of his book. “Good, you're here, I have a new shipment in I need you to unwrap and stock.” He gestures over to a stack of three large boxes. “That should keep you busy for a few hours.” He looks back down at his book.

“How do you even manage when I'm not here?” Todd asks.

“Shhhh,” Keating says, “Fitzgerald is casting his magic spell.”

“Spoiler alert, the green light across the harbour is the American Dream,” Todd calls over his shoulder as he grabs the first box and heads back into the main part of the store. The mom and her off-road-stroller are gone, so Todd sets up behind the counter to input the new books in the computer. He grabs an exacto-knife and slices open the top of the box.

“You have got to be kidding me,” he groans, pulling the first book off the top of the pile.

Two hours and approximately a million eye rolls later Todd has input seventy-five copies of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ into the computer. Actually, make that seventy-three because he sold two.

“Ugh, I can't believe you made me do that,” Todd complains. “I feel violated. You do not pay me enough to do this.”

“Well maybe there's a raise in your future. After you finish inputting the sequels tomorrow.”

“It's a _trilogy_? Wow, okay I have officially lost faith in humanity,” Todd says, throwing his satchel over his shoulder. “Can I go, or would you like me to listen to a Taylor Swift CD first?”

“Who’s he?” Keating calls to Todd's retreating back.

By the time Todd pulls into his driveway he's ready for a nap, but he has too much to do for exam prep so he gives his bed a sad glance and gets to work. His first exam isn't until next Monday but he knows he'll never be ready if he puts it off. He's already been accepted into his first choice program at Columbia, but if he doesn't keep his average up he could lose his spot or his place in residence.

He barely even notices it's been almost three hours until there's a buzz on the intercom.

“Todd? Dinner,” his mother's voice says, coming out tinny through the speakers. She insisted on having the intercom built when Todd moved into the attic because she hated having to climb up two flights of stairs. Todd doesn't really mind. It means the only people who are even in his room are him.

Dinner's pretty normal. Jeffrey's home for the summer from grad school so his parents are mostly focused on peppering him with questions about school and girls and his internship next fall. Though halfway through dinner his mother turns to Todd unexpectedly and says; “Mrs. Dempsey says she saw you at The Davenport today?”

Todd swallows, caught by surprise. “Oh, yeah, I was there with Knox and Chris Noel.”

His mother looks excited. 'That's wonderful, dear. Did you have enough money?”

“I just got salad.”

“Salad?” Mr. Anderson interjects, like the very idea is ridiculous, “Why didn't you use your credit card?” Todd fights the urge to roll his eyes and shrugs instead, looking down so his parents will turn their attention back to Jeffrey.

After dinner Todd heads back to his room and boots up his computer. It's a hand-me-down from Jeffrey, still covered in the stickers he’d plastered on it. Todd picks at one idly while he checks his e-mail. There's one from Columbia, reminding him not to fail his exams, another from Knox telling him he doesn't need a ride tomorrow morning because Chris is giving him one, and one from Meeks asking Todd to message him.

_Todd Anderson: What's up?_

_Steven Meeks: He brought me a cake._

_Todd Anderson: What?_

_Steven Meeks: Charlie Dalton brought me a cake. At work._

_Todd Anderson: A cake?_

_Steven Meeks: Yeah, with 'will you go to prom with me?' written on it._

_Todd Anderson: Charlie Dalton brought you a cake at work asking you to go to prom?_

_Steven Meeks: Well, he didn't. There was a guy in a costume. He sang a song._

_Todd Anderson: Ouch_

_Steven Meeks: I don't know what his deal is._

_Todd Anderson: You going to come to school tomorrow?_

_Steven Meeks: I guess so. Can't let the assholes win._

_Todd Anderson: Charlie Dalton is such a tool. Don't let him get to you._

_Steven Meeks: Yeah, whatever. I gotta go, my physics essay is due tomorrow. Ugh._

_Todd Anderson: See you tomorrow_

Todd should probably work on his own history essay but he can't muster up the energy. It's only 8:30 but Todd feels way too tired. He decides he'll just watch a movie or something and then falls asleep while Netflix is loading.

Todd is awoken by a strange high-pitched jingling noise. He blinks in the dark, disoriented and confused. His alarm clock says that it's 1:45 am. Todd's about to roll back over and go to sleep when he hears that same noise again. It's the message alert on his computer. Drowsily, Todd pulls the laptop over to him and gives the mouse pad a click to wake it up.

_Neil Perry: come to your old room quickly now! Quickly!_

Todd blinks for half a second, thinking this must be some sort of strange dream, because that is definitely Neil's name. His computer chimes again.

_Neil Perry: and bring your keys._

Todd crawls out of bed as quietly as possible. This feels eerily like when they were kids and they would stay up late writing each other notes pressed up against their window frames. It also feels nothing like that at all, and Todd's heart is thumping wildly as he climbs down the stairs to the second floor. His old room is now a sort of combination craft room and storage room his mother barely uses. Todd pulls the door open gently and it squeaks a little on it's hinges. He goes to the window and looks across into Neil's room, but there's nobody there and the light is off.

Todd's about to turn around and go back upstairs when suddenly there's a knock on the window. He turns in time to see a pair of legs, feet kicking at the pane. Todd pulls the window open and Neil Perry tumbles in, dressed all in black with black war paint under his eyes like a football player.

“Hello Todd,” he says, grinning like the madman he is. “Ready to go on an adventure?”

 

ii.

“What the hell!” Todd hisses as quietly as he can. “How did you-”

“Climbed out my window, used the maple tree to climb onto your roof and climbed down from there.” Neil says as if this is an obvious answer. He looks around the room. “Well, this is different … I don't like it.”

“What are you even doing here? In my house? Dressed like that? At 1:45 in the morning?”

“Weren't you listening? We're going on an adventure,” Neil says, starting for the door. “C'mon.”

“But-” Todd says, but Neil places a finger to his lips and creeps into the hallway. Todd really has no option but to follow him. He can't just have a wild Neil Perry roaming around in his house. He follows him down the stairs and into the garage.

“Neil!” Todd says as loudly as he dares. “What's going on?”

Neil ignores him. “Can we open the garage door without the automatic opener? I don't want to wake up your parents, because next thing you know they're calling my parents and ruining our adventure.”

“Yeah, but Neil-”

“How?”

“There's handles, but Neil listen-”

“These?” Neil asks, gesturing at the handles.

“Yes, but-”

“Perfect!” Neil says and starts yanking the garage door up, exposing them to the warm June night. He laughs to himself.

“Neil!” Todd hisses, “You haven't even - and haven't - and we don't - and I'm not even wearing shoes!” Which is not what he was going for, even if it's true.

“Well, then go put some shoes on,” Neil says glancing down at Todd's feet. “Here, give me the keys. I'll get the van into the street and shut the garage door.”

“No,” Todd says, anger rising in him.

“Okay, I can wait until you get back.”

“No, Neil, I mean that I am not giving you my keys and we are _not_ going on some ridiculous adventure. You're going to go home and I'm going to go back to bed. Good night.” Todd turns on his heel but Neil catches his hand.

“Wait, Todd-”

“No, you don't get to do this. You don't get to stop being my friend when it's inconvenient and then come waltzing back into my life when you need something. If you want to go on an adventure so badly ask Charlie Dalton.”

“You're right,” Neil says after a pause. “Look, I do need something. But it's not your car or your help -  it's _you_ Todd. I can't do this without you. I can't do this with Charlie or Ginny or anyone else because I have always done my adventures with _you_.”

“When we were kids playing around in the woods. But  I don't sneak out of the house and go on adventures because-because I'm not like you, Neil.”

“Well don't you think you could be?”

“No - I don't know. The point is that I'm not coming with you, so you can just go home.”

“No.” He's got that stupid grin on his face, and Todd is torn between wanting to kiss him and wanting to smack him.

“What do you mean 'no'?”

“No.”

Todd can feel his resolve slipping already. He sighs. “Fine, fine. Here's the keys. I'll get my shoes.” When he comes back into the garage his van is gone and the door is closed. He slips out the side door and the van is already on the street.

Todd jogs down the driveway and is surprised to see Neil already in the passenger seat. His long legs barely fit behind the dashboard. Todd climbs into the driver’s side and starts the car, which sounds impossibly loud in the night. “So where are we going on this adventure?” Todd asks drily.

“School,” Neil says giddily.

“You woke me up at 1:45 to go to school? What the hell kind of adventure is this?”

“Just drive. It'll be worth it, I promise.”

They drive out of their subdivision, which is completely dark and silent. It's a bit eerie actually, like a ghost town. Every little groan of the engine seems like it'll wake up everyone for miles around.

“Geez Anderson, your car really sucks.” Neil says.

“At least I have a car,” Todd mutters under his breath.

“Touche. Turn here,” Neil points as if Todd doesn't know how to get to his own school. It's quiet for a while as they drive in silence. Neil pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and studies it carefully. Todd gives him a sideways glance.

“Hey, I'm sorry about you and Ginny,” Todd says, just to have something to say. Or at least he pretends that's why.

“Oh, yeah.” Neil says distractedly. “Well, you know, these things happen. Especially before graduation and everything. I'm going off to school and Ginny'll still be here.”

Todd stares at him as much as one can while driving. “What?” Neil says.

“You guys dated for like two whole years, you break up, yet you're clearly not upset about it and you guys are still acting like best friends. What gives?”

Neil sighs and looks out his window. Todd thinks maybe he's fucked everything up and now Neil will demand he take him back home. It's a while before Neil says, “Can you keep a secret?”

“Well yeah, duh.”

“No, I mean like a real secret. Not one you only tell to one or two trustworthy people - like you can't tell anyone.” Neil looks as worried as Todd has ever seen him.

“Okay.”

“Promise.”

“I promise.” Todd says.

Neil inhales sharply through his nose and then exhales deeply. “Ginny was never my girlfriend.”

“What? But you guys were always like holding hands and stuff. You were facebook official.” Jesus Christ, Todd can't believe he just said 'facebook official,' he's such an idiot.

Neil grins at him wryly. “You're such an idiot.” But he says it much more nicely than Todd's mind did. “Okay, how about Ginny was my pretend girlfriend. Better?”

“Only a little. Why would you need a pretend girlfriend? I mean at least a third of the girls at school would go out with you.”

“You just drove through a red light,” Neil says.

Todd looks in his rearview. “Crap. Let's hope there's no camera.”

“You better hope there's no camera. I don't have a car.” Neil smirks.

“You didn't answer my question.”

“Well, me and Ginny are really close and her parents were always on her case about finding a good boyfriend. And _my_ parents were always on my case about having a good girlfriend, so it just seemed easier to pretend. We like hanging out with each other anyway. I mean, it wasn't really a big deal.”

“Wow, that was a great story which completely didn't answer my question at all. So you pretend to be dating Ginny, okay sure, but never in that entire two year span did you ever think, 'hmmm, I could have an actual girlfriend because I am Neil Perry and I am handsome, smart, popular, and nice'.”

“No,” Neil says.

“Stop doing that!”

“I thought you knew,” Neil says, grinning a little, like it's in spite of himself.

“Knew what?”

Neil turns in his seat. “Todd, I don't like girls.”

Todd slams on the brakes, Neil jolting forward against his seatbelt.

“Jesus, Todd!” Neil exclaims rubbing at his windpipe. “Ow.”

“Sorry,” Todd says, checking his mirrors even though the streets are deserted at this time, and eases off the brakes.

“That was not the reaction I was expecting,” Neil says.

“Sorry, you just … I didn't know and … me too.” Todd says, not really expecting any specific response from Neil, but disappointed all the same when he says nothing at all.

They drive in silence the rest of the way.

Todd pulls into the student parking lot at 2:03 am and pulls right up alongside the push hall that separates the parking lot from the courtyard. “So what are we doing exactly?” Todd asks, putting the van in park.

“Okay, so this is the part I didn't want to tell you ahead of time because I thought it might freak you out,” Neil says.

“Oh goody.”

“Look, I did a trial run yesterday and it went fine and that was only with one person.”

“Okay, fine just tell me what it is,” Todd says.

“We're going to use the van to climb on to the roof of the push hall and then climb up the tree in the courtyard onto the roof.” Todd must look scared because Neil says, “No look, it's going to be fine. I've see you climb a million trees before.”

“When I was _10_ ” Todd hisses. “This is insane!”

“It's an adventure! You can't spell adventure without insane.”

“... Yes you can ...”

“That's not the point. The point is it's time to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!” And with that Neil climbs out of the passenger seat and pulls himself on top of the van.

“Did you just quote The Magic School Bus at me!?” Todd shouts, getting out of the van, but Neil only grins at him before pulling himself on to the roof of the push hall and disappearing.

Getting up onto the top of the push hall isn't actually that hard. But standing up there and looking at the tree they’re supposed to climb, Todd thinks he might as well be looking at Mount Everest.

“Ready?” Neil asks and he's flushed with excitement, the tips of his ears bright pink. Todd makes his hands into a cradle and Neil uses it as a boost into the tree. As far as trees go it's not a bad one to climb, its branches are thick and Todd's already making a mental map of how he's going to get up. Just because he knew he could climb this tree didn't change the fact that he really didn't want to.

The thing is Todd hasn't climbed a tree since he was 11 when he attempted to climb the big maple tree on the edge between the Anderson and Perry properties. He had climbed that tree at least a hundred times, but that was the first time he had attempted it without Neil and Todd had fallen three quarters of the way up. He broke his left wrist in two places and his mother had called an arborist to come and cut off some of the lower branches. It hadn't mattered though; Todd's tree-climbing days were over. Until now.

Todd pulls himself onto a branch and is already looking for his next foothold. It's only about a 12 foot climb, but Neil is almost all the way to the roof of the school. But before he can make it all the way to the roof he stops on an upper branch, clearly waiting for him. It helps Todd concentrate on making his way to Neil and so he can stop thinking about the phantom pains in his wrists and how when he fell he was sure he was going to die. He doesn't think about any of that, and suddenly Neil's hand is reaching out to clasp his and he's pulling him onto the roof.

It's funny, because they're not even that high up - only two stories - but everything already looks so insignificant from this angle. His van is the size of a deck of cards. “C'mon,” Neil says beckoning Todd over to to a weird hatch on the roof.

“What's that?” Todd asks.

“It's an access hatch for the custodians,” Neil says like this is somehow obvious. “It leads right into the drama storage room.”

“And it's just unlocked?”

“Nope,” Neil says grinning and pulling a key out of his pocket. “Being drama club president has its perks.” He opens the hatch, and there must be a ladder or something because he climbs down into the dark.

“Come on Todd!” He calls from down below.

Todd climbs down into the pitch black and his feet hit the floor awkwardly when he tries to go for another rung that isn't there. He can feel more than see Neil standing right in front of him and he hopes Neil can't hear the way his heart is thundering.

Suddenly a light clicks on, way too bright way too fast.

“Sorry 'bout that,” Neil says and he's somehow managed to get to the other side of the room. It's a complete mess littered with set pieces and costumes and props from their latest show, A Midsummer Night's Dream. Todd had gone to every performance and sat in the back. If anyone asked, it was because he thought it was important to support the drama club. If Neil asked, it was because Todd wanted to watch him.

“You were really great in the play,” Todd says. Neil's always been a good actor, ever since they did their Christmas play in first grade, The Polar Express. Neil only had one line - “Golly!”- but somehow he managed to steal the show nevertheless.

Neil snorts. “Tell my dad that. He didn't even bother coming. He thinks it's a waste of time. As if I haven't spent the majority of my time working my ass off to get into Harvard to make _him_ happy.”

His voice has gone dangerous all of a sudden and Todd has never seen Neil like this. He's heard him argue with his dad before, just wordless shouts coming through the walls between their houses, but he's never imagined that Neil doesn't want to go to Harvard.

“Oh, here it is.” Neil says suddenly, voice completely different, full of energy and life, like Todd's always known. Neil pulls a painted set piece out of the way to reveal stacked milk crates against the wall. At least a dozen of them, Todd guesses. They seem to be filled with red plastic cups. The type people have at parties.

“What the hell?” Todd asks.

“It's my secret collection.” Neil says proudly.

“Your secret collection of cups?”

“No, it's my collection of secrets.” Neil laughs gleefully and it's like he's Puck again, magical yet dangerous.

They carry the milk crates full of cups (which are wonderfully light) out of the drama storage room, down the stairs and onto the main floor. Neil disappears somewhere and reappears with two pitchers filled with water. He had shown Todd a diagram of what they were doing upstairs in the storage room, but Todd still isn't convinced it's going to work. They're going to cover the entire main floor of the school with cups filled halfway with water. But they have to do it in such a way that they end back up at the stairwell so they can get upstairs and back out of the school.

It's dumb, it's time consuming, and it's very, very Neil Perry.

“You're going to be on water, we can only go as fast as we can get them filled so you're going to have to run to the cooking classroom upstairs to get refills. I'll do the cups.” Neil says.

Todd pulls a few of them out of the crate. Along the side they say things like: _jennifer mccreedy has a beautiful voice_ or _brent lynch is cheating on his girlfriend._

“What's this?”

“It's my secret collection.” Neil takes the cups from him. “It's every secret I've gotten out of this place. Some are nice some are not, but they are all true and they all need to be said.”

Todd frowns. “Look,” Neil says, “I know what you're thinking, but I don't decide who gets what secret, they did. With their actions. Nice people get nice secrets, bad people get bad secrets.”

“I dunno Neil, this seems kind of … ” He waves his hand. “Is it really fair of you to be the scales of justice?”

“This is high school. The scales of justice don't exist here. Now go, get water.”

Neil's planned it out well, the cooking classroom is right at the top of the stairs so he doesn't have to go far. Though by the twelfth or thirteenth trip he's starting to think it would have been easier to just buy those big water cooler jugs instead of using him as a human mule.

They're a pretty good team, but it still takes almost three hours to get the entire first floor covered, and even then that's only the hallways. It's funny because Todd is tired, both mentally and physically, but he can't help but feel proud as they stand in the doorway of the stairwell and admire their work.

“That's a lot of cups.” Todd says.

“It's a lot of secrets,” Neil agrees. “There's at least one for everyone.”

Todd turns and looks at Neil's profile. “What about me?”

“Well of course there's a secret for you, Neil grins. “But you'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Or, more accurately, you'll have to wait until three hours from now.”

Todd's stomach turns over and his nerves must show on his face because Neil reaches over and pats him on the shoulder. “Hey, you're a good person. It's a good secret. I promise.”

Todd goes first out of the hatch because Neil has to put the storage room back together the right way. He waits on the roof and stares out over towards the subdivision, the country club. He feels like this should be important, that looking at the places he's grown up in from a distance should make him feel big. Or small. Or at least something. But Todd feels nothing as he stares out.

Neil reemerges from the hatch and locks it. “I wish we could stay up here to watch the sunrise,” he says. “Oh well, places to go, people to see.” His war paint is smudged off, so it looks a bit like he's been punched. They stand shoulder to shoulder looking out into the early morning. The sun hasn't started to rise yet, but the sky has lightened considerably from when they arrived at the school.

“What's it like?” Todd asks without really meaning to, the filter between his mouth and his brain suddenly ceasing to exist.

“What's what like?”

“Being you?”

Neil's silent for a long minute. “I don't know.” He finally admits, swallowing. “What's it like being you?” He turns to look at Todd and it's intense and intimate and strange.

If Todd were a braver person, if he was someone like Neil, then he would have taken the opportunity, he would have seized the day, or the night or whatever, he would have kissed Neil. But Todd is not someone else, he is not someone like Neil, he’s Todd. So he turns and begins to climb back down the tree.

They listen to the radio on the drive back, some stupid top 40s station that plays all the songs Todd hates but likes in spite of himself. Neil sings along, not under his breath, but loudly and without restraint. There's a couple of cars on the road even though it's so early, and Todd wonders what they must look like. Two teenagers, one in rumpled clothes, the other dressed like a ninja, singing along loudly to the radio.

“Do you want to get donuts?” Todd asks, since he's hungry and the Dunkin’ Donuts is the only thing that will be open this early.

“Is there a time when anyone ever has not wanted donuts?”

Todd takes that as a yes and pulls into the drive-thru. He's just going to order a half dozen assorted, but Neil leans right over him and yells into the speaker instead. They're pressed right up together and it's so familiar and innocent that it seems crazy he and Neil haven't been friends for years. When Todd accepts the box at the window, he's surprised to discover Neil has ordered an assortment of his favourites.

“You remembered my favourite donuts?” Todd asks, genuinely flattered.

Neil shrugs. “You have good taste. Ba dum tss!” He reaches over and snags a double chocolate shoving it into his mouth.

“That's disgusting.”

“Your face is disgusting,” Neil says cheeks still full.

“What are you, twelve?”

“I'm twelve and a half thank you very much” And it's such a stupid joke but Todd smiles anyway and turns the radio back on.

They turn the radio off when they get into the subdivision. They don't see anyone but an older lady out for a power walk but even still, driving around at 5:30 in the morning isn't exactly the type of thing they'd want their parents to hear about.

Todd pulls into his driveway, “Do you want me to help you open the garage?” Neil asks, his voice almost a whisper now. The loud singing forgotten.

“Nah, it's fine,” Todd says even though his dad'll pitch a fit about it if he sees. It's dumb really, he made Todd buy a crappy mini-van with his own money so he would appreciate the car and then he forces him to park in the garage so the neighbours won't see it. “How're you going to get back into your house?”

“Back door. The security system turns off at 5:00 am. I'll be fine.” Neil smiles at him and opens the passenger door and shuts it very quietly.

Todd does the same and watches as Neil vaults over his fence into his backyard, turning to give him a wave before disappearing from view.

The sugar from the donuts and the adrenaline from completing the prank is starting to wear off and it's all Todd can do to get back in the house and climb up the two flights of stairs to his room. He doesn't even bother to change out of his clothes, he just flops on the bed on top of the covers and is asleep almost instantly.

But not before he sees the new message on his computer.

_Neil Perry: best. adventure. Ever._

 

iii.

The intercom is buzzing angrily at him, which may explain why Todd was dreaming of being attacked by bees.

“Todd! Last call, you need to get up now or you're going to be late for school!” His mother's voice crackles out at him, and then for good measure she throws in a few extra buzzes.

Todd groans, rolls over and then presses the respond button. “Okay, I'm coming.”

His clock says it's 7:34, which means he was asleep for two hours. He groans and sits up. Todd considers momentarily faking sick so he can stay home and sleep, but he's too curious to see everyone's reactions to the cups. And besides, he wants to see his secret.

He hauls himself out of bed, skips the shower and just pulls on a new shirt. His jeans are fine, if a little wrinkled. His hair is ridiculous, but there's almost nothing he can do about that so he runs a comb through it and prays his mother is too busy to notice it. Todd is just cramming a few things in his bag and walking down the stairs towards the door when his dad calls him.

“Todd!”

“Yes?” Todd says as politely as someone in a rush can manage.

“You left your car in the driveway. This is your first and last warning.”

Todd rolls his eyes, but tries to make his voice sound sincere. “Okay dad, I'm very sorry, won't happen again.”

He glances over at Neil's house but there's no sign of him. Mr. Perry leaves early for work and Mrs. Perry likes to sleep in, so the whole house is quiet. Besides, Neil usually leaves after him and catches a ride with Charlie Dalton, who lives a few streets over.

It's a lucky thing actually that Knox's getting a ride with Chris, because Todd is running far enough behind that stopping to get him probably would have made him late. Nostalgically (if one can be nostalgic for something that happened a few hours ago) Todd turns on the radio station they had sung to and hums along to a Katy Perry song.

The empty donut box is sitting on the floor in front of the passenger seat.

When he pulls into the student parking lot Todd can tell everyone's up in arms about Neil's prank. The Vice Principal is standing by the doors and trying to stop people from going into the school, which is working horribly because there are four other entrances on this side of the building alone. He spots Knox and jogs over to him. He's standing with Chris and Ginny Danbury, who are both laughing at something he's said.

“Hey,” Todd says, trying to sound casual. “What's going on?”

“Todd, Jesus! It's brilliant. Someone's put these cups filled with water _everywhere_ on the main floor, it's insane. Check it out.” Knox pulls out his phone and bring up a picture. “It's the craziest best senior prank ever. I put the picture on Tumblr, it's already got like a thousand notes.”

“You have tumblr?” Ginny asks.

Knox chooses to ignore her. “But that's not even the best part. Each cup has something about someone written on it. Most of them are just nice things but some of them … oh boy.”

“Brent Lynch got dumped over his. Though, I mean, he does deserve it,” Chris says, shrugging. “I heard someone say that everyone in school has one.” She looks worried for a moment. “I wonder what mine says.”

“Yours couldn't possibly say something bad because there's nothing bad to say about you,” Knox says and Chris gives him a winning smile.

It's hard to believe this is the same kid who yesterday morning was panicking about asking a girl out.

The first bell rang and it was very confusing. People didn't seem to know whether to go to their first period classes or to stay outside. Some people who had gone into the school earlier were holding red cups, presumably with their secrets on them. Or possibly other people's to use as blackmail.

Inside the building most of the cups have already been knocked over, spilling water onto the floor.  Todd had heard the Vice Principal call it a terrible act of vandalism, but really it was just water. There would be no problem in cleaning it, and the students would pick up the cups out of curiosity now that they knew there were secrets on them. Todd's impressed with the fact that Neil has dreamed up a prank that cleans itself up.

The hallway with Todd's locker is relatively free of cups by now. Mostly they had been stacked and placed against the wall, where people were rummaging through them. There's puddles of water all over the floor, but nothing too bad. Todd's only just starting to wonder if he should look for his cup when Meeks marches up to him, obviously furious.

“Have you seen this?” He says, thrusting a cup in Todd's face. _steven meeks needs to open his eyes_ it says down the side, with a little picture of glasses underneath. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's like a fortune cookie. Open my eyes? Open my eyes to what?”

Todd shrugs. He thinks Meeks is maybe being a bit melodramatic, but he probably wouldn't be in the greatest mood either if Charlie Dalton sent him a kissogram. “Maybe you're right, maybe it's just like a generic fortune cookie type thing.” Todd says, even though he knows it's not because Neil would never write something that isn't true, or at least that Neil thinks isn't true.

Meeks makes a face but doesn't comment further. “This was pretty cool though.” He gestures around at the cups. “I admire the dedication.” When they walk by a recycling bin, he throws his cup out.

The whole day the cups are all anyone can talk about - did you hear so-and-so said this, apparently what's-her-face likes him, stuff like that. Neil isn't in philosophy class and Todd can't help but be upset that he's missing this. But knowing Neil, it's just another part of the plan. Layers upon layers upon layers, that was always his style.

Todd sits with Knox and Chris in the courtyard at lunch. Chris has found her cup already, _chris noel is going to win the rotary scholarship (because she deserves it, duh),_ and even though she insists she already knew she was going to get it, she seems more smile-y than usual. Maybe it's the whole cup thing, maybe it's the fact that it's the second-to-last week of high school ever, or maybe it's just the fact that Todd is running on very little sleep but he's feeling a little more smile-y than usual himself.

“Ginny thinks it was Neil,” Chris says, scraping the bottom of her pudding cup with a spoon. “I dunno, it's Neil's style and all, but I mean no one seems to know what happened. If it was Neil he would have had at least one person help him, and Ginny doesn't know and Charlie Dalton can't keep his mouth shut about anything.”

Knox rolls his eyes. “Well that goes without saying.”

“Why do you hate him so much anyway? Didn't you guys used to be friends?” Chris asks.

Todd shakes his head. “Chris, you don't want to get him started on-”

“It was the summer of '07!” Knox starts, dramatically gesturing wildly. “A young handsome Knox Overstreet is off to camp for a summer of adventure with his best friend Charlie Dalton. Their days are filled with canoe races and cute girls in bikinis. A specific girl catches young Knox's eye, Jenna Wu, her dark hair flying behind her as she plays capture the flag, her voice like an angel as she sings kumbaya.” He pauses. “It is important to note that the many virtues of Jenna Wu pale in comparison to the countless virtues of Chris Noel.”

Chris coos and clasps Knox's arm. “Awww, you're so sweet!”

“Anyway, the end of summer dance rolls around and young ambitious Knox tries to work up his courage to ask the beautiful and elusive Jenna Wu to dance. Enter Charlie Dalton who tells Knox that he will convince Jenna to dance with him. Knox, seeing that Charlie has managed to wrangle himself several different camp girlfriends mostly despite the fact that he is ridiculously short and has a stupid face, agrees to let him try.”

“Do you have to refer to yourself in the third person?” Todd asks

“Shhh, Knox is speaking. Where was I? Ah yes, so Knox agrees to have Charlie act as his wingman in a last ditch effort to woo Jenna Wu - see what I did there? - So Charlie disappears to work his magic, and young, naive, yet still devilishly handsome Knox waits. After waiting for twenty minutes and no sign of Charlie or Jenna, young Knox gives up and decides to go back to his cabin heartbroken. Outside the dining hall he hears a noise, is it a fox? A raccoon? No, lo and behold it is Jenna and Charlie in front of the fire pit kissing.” He pauses dramatically, “With _tongue_!”

Chris raises her eyebrows so high they disappear behind her fringe. “What? We were twelve, kissing with tongue was a big deal!”

“Let me get this straight, you're no longer friends with Charlie Dalton because he kissed a girl you liked with tongue when you were 12?”

“No, I am no longer friends with Charlie Dalton because he is a short, weasel-faced, pretentious jerk with bad taste in hats who happened to kiss a girl I liked when I was 12 with tongue,” Knox huffs, obviously annoyed that Chris isn't being as sympathetic as he had expected, but trying very hard to cover it up. It's a bit weird actually, how well they click despite only having really spent time together since yesterday.

“Hey,” Ginny Danbury appears from the the push hall looking worried. “I've been looking for you. Have you heard from Neil today?”

For a heart-pounding moment Todd thinks that she means him, but Ginny doesn't even glance in his direction as she scoots onto the bench beside Chris.

“Uh, no why?” Chris asks.

“Because he sent Charlie a text this morning saying he didn't need a ride and then he texted me to say he can't come over tonight to work on our Sociology project."

"So?" Chris says. "He's probably just sick or something. Besides, I mean, no offence Gin, but Neil probably doesn't want to spend a lot of time alone with you right now."

Ginny frowns. "What? Why woul-" Todd watches her faces as she catches herself, "I mean, sure maybe he's still a little upset but it's our final project. Neil wouldn't bail on me like that. It's 30% of our final grade."

It's funny how obvious things become once you know the secrets. Todd feels almost idiotic for thinking Ginny and Neil were ever really together. Though, pretend-dating aside, Ginny clearly cares a lot about Neil.

"I saw Neil last night," Todd blurts out without really thinking. "Yeah, he was in his room at home." Which is a stupid thing to say, because of course Neil would be at home in his room on a Monday night.

"Right, you live next door, don't you?" Ginny says giving Todd a closed-mouth smile. "He's probably just sick or something then." The bell rings and Chris and Knox disappear, walking shoulder to shoulder so their hands brush together.

"They're cute together, aren't they?" Ginny says, "I mean I know Chet is my brother and I should be on his side, but Chris deserves so much better than him. They were just never _right_ together, you know?"

Todd shrugs, surprised that Ginny is still talking to him. "You have free period next right?" She asks, hoisting her backpack on.

"Uh, yeah."

"Good so you're not busy, let's walk together." She falls into step easily with him despite being almost a foot shorter.

"Have you found your cup yet?" She asks

Todd shakes his head. "You?"

"Yeah, this morning, Gerard found it actually and gave it to me. It said 'Ginny Danbury deserves to be happy'" She makes air quotes with her fingers. She lowers her voice. "I mean I know Neil did it but he didn't have to be so obvious."

Todd frowns. "How is that obvious?" Ginny's cup seems oddly generic for someone who Neil clearly knows well and cares about.

"No capitals."

"Yeah, he's always had a thing about capitals I don't know why."

Ginny purses her lips. "You guys used to be good friends right?"

"Well yeah, I mean we're still kind of friends. I mean not _friends_ but we're friends." We're good enough friends to go on adventures together, Todd thinks.

"You know, that made approximately zero sense." Ginny says, halting in front of a classroom door. "Well, this is my stop. See you later Todd."

"Yeah, sure." Todd says. His phone vibrates in his pocket. Text from an unknown number. For a second he thinks it's Neil, but it's from Chris.

_Are you sure you don't want me to set you up with Ginny? You walked her to class, sounds like a romance in the making! -C_

Todd rolls his eyes and shoves his phone back in his pocket. He finds Meeks in one of the study carousels in the library, his head rested in his arms. "Meeks?" Todd says, unsure if he's asleep or just resting.

"Don't call me that," he says, more of a reflex than anything else, his head still cradled in his arms.

"Don't you have physics?" Todd says sitting across from him even though he has a lot of work he needs to get done.

"I handed in my essay, technically I'm done until exams. Mr. Daley doesn't care," he mumbles into the table.

"Is Charlie still bothering you?"

He hauls his face off of the table. He's taken his glasses off and they're resting on the top of his head. Meeks has one of those faces where he just _looks_ like he can't see without his glasses. He grabs them and puts them on. "I sort of screamed at him during Chem. It was not my proudest moment."

"Like a manly warrior scream?"

Meeks gives him a look. "I sort of threatened to disembowel him with a wrench."

"Sort of?"

"There may have been some other words involved that my mother would disown me for saying. I have a meeting with the Vice Principal about it in,” He looks at his watch, “Two minutes actually.”

Todd frowns watching Meeks leave. It's like everything decided to go all weird right at the same time. Neil's prank, Chris and Knox going to prom, this whole thing with Charlie and Meeks. One of them would have been enough to handle, but now there's too much to try and focus on. Todd's having a hard enough time staying awake as it is given the two hours of sleep he got last night. Which may explain why suddenly he's being shaken by the librarian and told that the bell for last period has rung.

Todd tromps upstairs to math class, stretching and yawning trying to wake himself up again. "Todd! Hey Todd!" He turns just in time to have a wall of Gerard Pitts almost slam into him. "Oh, hey sorry man." He says catching himself.

Gerard Pitts is arguably the nicest person Todd knows. He used to be homeschooled, but transferred for his senior year because he wanted an 'authentic high school experience'. He's kind of friends with Meeks but Todd has never really spoken to him outside of quick hellos and small talk.

"I found your cup!" He says. "Yours is a bit weird so I hope you're not too disappointed."

Todd's heart jumps into overdrive, and he feels a rush of adrenaline course through him. It makes sense that his message would be weird, he'd be the only one who knew for sure it was a message from Neil. Gerard fishes the red plastic cup out of his bag and hands it to him. "Here you go, have an awesome afternoon!" He says before bounding down the hall, Todd, oddly, is reminded of Clifford the Big Red Dog.

He walks into class, cup in hand and slinks into his seat in the back corner. He finished making his equation sheet the other day, so he just needs to work on the review for the exam. Math has always come pretty easily to Todd - not as easily as writing has, but he's never had to struggle with it. It's all just codes and logic. Though he hates graphing with a passion, he can never make the numbers on the page convert quickly to an image like other people can.

Todd flips the cup over, in Neil's familiar writing it says; _Todd Anderson, thank you for everything_ , there's a small heart drawn underneath and there are lines radiating from it like a sunshine. Todd can feel the warmth rushing to his face. There's a heart. He drew him a heart.

He reads the words again, feeling greedy, feeling like this is a sign of … well maybe not Neil's undying love, but of something and something very important. Todd notices, suddenly, that there's something else. He's used capitals, he's used capitals on his name. Neil stopped using capitals properly on anything other than school related things when they were about 8. He thought it was unfair to let some letters be special and not others.

"Capitals don't even really exist," he had said. "When you're talking there aren't any capitals. Just sounds. And all sounds are equally important."

But Neil had bothered to make Todd's name capitalized. He has the urge to climb onto his desk and shout something loudly, to make everyone else aware of the fact that Neil Perry thinks he’s different from all of them. That he’s special.

Todd knows he’s grinning stupidly as he works through his math review, but he can't help it and he doesn't really care. Even when Cameron leans over and tells him he looked like a mannequin. It doesn't matter because as soon as he gets home he’s going to go see Neil. He’s going to do what he should have done on the rooftop but had been too scared to do. Because Todd isn't scared anymore, he had been capitalized in the eyes of Neil Perry and that is all he has ever wanted. Ever since he was  13 and they’d been side by side in the snow.

He practically bolts out the door when the bell rings, shoving through a pack of tenth grade girls in an attempt to get to his locker faster. The floors are still slippery from the water and Todd nearly falls twice as he half walk-half jogs, anxious to get out of the building as fast as possible. He curses under his breath when his lock doesn't unlock his first time trying the combination.

"Dammit, dammit," he mutters, starting over and wrenching it free. He's grabbing his books and papers and shoving them into his bag inelegantly. He hears Knox call his name but he ignores him, too focused on getting out of here, getting to Neil. He grabs his philosophy textbook and then it happens.

A red plastic cup with a white rim, the same as the ones kids buy for parties, the same as the ones staked in the halls or in the recycling, and the same as the one he has tucked into his backpack tumbles out from the top shelf of Todd's locker. It falls to the ground with a light clatter, open side down. Todd stares at it like it's dangerous because that's how it feels. He already has his cup, his perfect capitalized cup that was out with all the other ones. This has been placed in his locker, this is something different and new.

"Hey," Knox says appearing beside him, "Didn't you hear me calling? Chris invited us over to use her pool. Do you wanna come? It's got a slide and a waterfall and everything! What do you think?" Todd can hear Knox, but it's like he's underwater or through glass. Everything has faded around him and he feels dizzy and sick.

"Todd?" Knox asks in a way that makes Todd think it must not have been the first time he called his name. "Are you okay?"

Todd bends down and grabs the cup, because as much as he dreads what might be written on it, a secret so secret that Neil couldn't put it out among the others, he has to know. His hands are shaking so badly that he almost drops it and he can feel Knox looking at him with concern and caution.

Todd takes a deep breath and turns the cup over. Neil's cup. And it's worse than anything he imagined. There, in angry black against red is Neil's deepest darkest secret and Todd's worst nightmare:

_NEIL PERRY IS NEVER COMING BACK_

 

iv.

There are cop cars in Neil's driveway when Chris drops him off at his house. They wouldn't let him drive, not after what happened in the hallway. Todd's not looking forward to having to explain to his dad why his van is still in the student parking lot.

Knox and Chris had tried to be perky on the drive home, reassuring Todd that his worries weren't true. "He probably just means he's not coming back because he's going off to Harvard and stuff," Knox said, turning around in the passenger seat to look at Todd with that therapist look he had learned from his mom. But even Knox and Chris can't pretend when they see the cop cars.

Todd catches a glimpse of Mr. Perry talking to an officer. Neil and his dad haven't always gotten along, not even when Neil was little, but Todd can't see that leading to him running away. None of it makes any sense. Neil is smart and popular. He's going to Harvard in the fall and despite what he said on the roof last night he's always been so excited any other time Todd has seen him talking about it.

Knox and Chris exchange glances in the front seat. "Are you sure you don't want to come to my house for while?" Chris asks.

Todd shakes his head and steps out of the car. "Thanks for the ride," he says quietly, still looking over at the cop cars in the Perry's driveway.

“Okay, see you later Todd,” Chris says quietly, the way you'd talk to an injured animal.

His mother is sitting in the living room when he opens the front door, which is unusual because she has her book club on Wednesday afternoons. Or, as Todd likes to think of it, '50-Somethings-Pretend-to-Read-a-Book-with-a-Movie-Adaptation-and-Drink-Wine' Club.

“Mom?” Todd says because she's staring out one of their windows at the Perry's house, obviously snooping.

“Todd!” She says, startled, pulling away from the window and dropping the curtain she was holding, “What have I told you about sneaking up on me?  Shouldn't you be at work?”

“It's Wednesday. I don't work on Wednesdays.”

His mother gets up from her chair. “Oh yes, of course.”

“Why are there cops at Neil's house?” He asks even though he knows the answer, but his mother might know things he doesn't. Everyone in their neighbourhood gossips. Especially his mother's friends.

“Well dear,” she says in what Todd guesses is supposed to be a soothing tone, “Neil has gone missing.”

It's worse somehow, hearing it from her. “Don't you have to wait 24 hours before you call in a missing person?”

“Not with a minor,” his mother says. “Even if the police are fairly certain this is a runaway situation, not a kidnapping.” She lowers her voice, as if the Perry's will hear them.

“Oh,” Todd says, he had figured as much. People don't leave notes before they're kidnapped, after all.

“Don't worry, I'm sure this will all be over with sooner rather than later. Neil's not the kind of boy to go running off into the blue. What an embarrassment for his parents though, his poor mother, she'll only blame herself.”

It's strange, because Todd hadn't realized how much he had already started to blame Mr. and Mrs. Perry. It had to be their fault, at least to an extent. His mother was right. This wasn't like Neil at all. Neil's smart, popular, handsome, ambitious, driven, passionate. He's the complete package and people like that don't go running off into the blue for no reason - people like Todd maybe, even Charlie or Cameron in a fit of dramatics, but not Neil. Never Neil Perry.

“Oh, and Todd?” His mother says, turning just as he's about to head upstairs, “The window in my craft room was open. Do you know anything about that?”

Todd blinks, “No I-I don't.” He says making a break upstairs before she can ask him anything more about it. Her mention of the window makes Todd realize that he was probably the last person to see Neil, less than 12 hours ago. Todd's stomach twists into knots. He should probably tell the police, but what good would that do? It's not as if Neil told him his detailed plans and besides if he tells, Neil will get in trouble for the whole cup incident. Not to mention how much shit Todd himself will be in for being out gallivanting in the middle of the night and helping him.

Still, Todd can't ignore the fact that he was the last person to see Neil. Maybe, in a way, he should be flattered, the way Neil picked him not only to be his accomplice but his witness. He still feels guilty though, still a little sick and a little anxious because he can't get the idea out of his mind that he missed something last night. Something huge and important that would make Neil run away.

_Todd Anderson, thank you for everything_ , he thinks suddenly, his heart flying up to his throat as he rolls the words over in his mind. Because his secret, his message might not have been what he thought at all. Because in all honesty his message sounded much more like a suicide note than a goodbye.

Todd can't think, he wants to get the idea out of his head. It’s insane, it’s delusional. But there it is. That Neil Perry doesn't just mean he isn't coming back to school or that he’s never coming home, that he’s never coming back period. That he’s killed himself. The idea, the horrible sick idea, has taken root in Todd's mind and he can't shake it loose. It’s crazy, it makes even less sense than Neil running away but Todd can't stop thinking about it.

So Todd does what he does when he can't think straight. He calls Meeks.

“Hello?”

“It's me.”

“Oh, hey what's up?” Meeks says. Todd can tell from his tone of voice that he doesn't know yet. “I thought you were going to go over to Chris' with Knox. Or was the whole lovey dovey thing driving you insane too?”

“What?”

“I mean I get it, it's new they're happy but honestly Knox won't shut up. And the thing is, relationships are like cats. You think yours is all special and amazing when actually it's pretty normal and average.”

“Uh, sure okay.”

“Sorry, what were you calling about?”

Todd took a long breath and let it out slowly. “I need to tell you something but I need to do it in person.” It's too important to do on the phone.

There's a long pause. “Like right now?”

“Are you busy? Cause you could just come after dinner or whatever.”

“No, no, right now is great. Right now is perfect actually!” And he sounds happy, or maybe just relieved. “You said this was really important right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay good. I'll be there in fifteen.” He hangs up.

“That was weird … ” Todd mutters under his breath, throwing his phone down on his bed into the sea of tangled blankets and sheets. He should work on homework or something, but the idea of going into his bag and seeing the twin red cups nestled together makes him feel kind of ill. So instead he boots up his computer and logs onto facebook.

He scrolls down Neil's wall looking for any sign that Neil was going to do this; run away (he doesn't let himself think of the other option).

_Neil Perry's relationship status changed from In a relationship to Single._

_16 people like this_

Todd always thinks it's strange that people like breakup statuses. Or maybe it's more a gesture of sympathy, like 'I feel your pain.' Either way, Todd already knows his breakup wasn't a factor. He keeps scrolling.

_Neil Perry: everyone break a leg tonight! last night of midsummer :(_

_5 people like this_

_Charlie Dalton: But Neil it's the middle of the spring_

_Neil Perry: you're a comedic genius dalton, real hilarious_

_Charlie Dalton: I try_

Todd frowns. Most of Neil's recent statuses have been about the play going from auditions right up until the shows. He keeps scrolling, not sure if he's hoping to find something that proves Neil was somehow angry and depressed, wanting to get out of their town. At least then it would make some sort of sense. That's the worst part he thinks, that it doesn't make any sense.

_Neil Perry: harvard acceptance came_

_67 people like this_

_Charlie Dalton: Dude, we're so going to be roommates!_

_Ginny Danbury: That's awesome Neil! Congrats, you must be so excited._

_Neil Perry: well my dad is_

Todd blinks at the screen. It's almost the same thing Neil had said to him last night. That he had worked so hard to get into Harvard to make his father happy. Todd, rather compulsively, takes a screenshot of it, like he's playing junior detective or something.

His door opens and Meeks' head pops in. “Hey, sorry I'm late. My mother wasn't exactly happy that I was leaving.” He chucks a small rectangular box at Todd. “Here. You want these?” It was a box of chocolates, and not just the kind you picked up at the gas station when you forgot someone's birthday. Like an actual fancy $40 box from the chocolate place in the mall.

“You don't want them?” Todd asks even though he's already opening the box and shoving an orange cream in his mouth.

“They're from Charlie Dalton, so no.” Todd chokes on his chocolate and it takes him a moment to clear his windpipe.

“He's buying you chocolate now? That's practically bribery, Meeks. Is Charlie is bribing you to go to prom with him? He must really want to win that bet.”

“They're not bribe chocolates, they're apology chocolates. He came to my house to give them to me and said he was sorry that he upset me and then my mom invited him in, and then you called so I said you had an emergency and got the hell outta there.” He grabs one from the box. “These are pretty awesome though.”

“Charlie Dalton was at your house?”

“He might still be, my mother was over the moon. God, if there's one thing I could do to make up for the disappointment of being gay in her eyes, it would be to date Charlie Dalton. But that's whatever, you said you needed to tell me something? Something secret?”

Todd sets the box of chocolates on the floor, so much for them being a metaphor for the randomness of life, these ones had a little guide under the lid. “You have to promise that you won't tell anyone. Not Knox or Gerard or anyone, okay?”

Meeks is looking at him strangely, and Todd doesn't blame him, but this is important. “I promise,” he says.

“The cup prank? It was me and Neil who did it. Well, he did it and I just helped.” Meeks frowns, his forehead wrinkling. “I know, I know, just if you could hold all questions til the end. So Neil messaged me last night at like 1:00 am and tells me to come down to my old bedroom and suddenly he's crawling in through the window. We took my car and then we climbed up the tree in the courtyard and there's a hatch in the roof that leads to the drama storage room and Neil's got all the cups – and no I don't know what yours meant because I know you're wondering – so we set them up and fill them with water. Then I drove him home and he snuck back into his house.”

“Okay” Meeks says. “But why are you-”

“Neil's missing.” Todd cuts him off. “He's just gone and the police think he's run away and I was the last person to see him, mostly likely anyways and I just, I'm getting worried that maybe he didn't just run away.” He takes a deep breath, “I think maybe Neil killed himself.”

Meeks has his eyes closed. He's sitting cross legged on the floor his back a straight line up the wall. “Okay, let me get this straight. Neil brings you along to do this prank that he'd obviously planned ahead of time and then he disappears, but you think for some reason he's killed himself?”

“Pretty much.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why would Neil run away? And why would he kill himself? What does Neil have to kill himself over?” Meeks winces, “That didn't come out right, I mean I don't know Neil that well but he's never seemed depressed, never seems to have family troubles or anything. It's not like we're best friends or anything, but why do you think Neil would kill himself?”

Todd reaches into his backpack. “These. The top one was in my locker. Neil put it there for me to find, and only me. The other one was just in the hall with the others, but he capitalized my name. He didn't do that on _anyone_ else's.”

Meeks stares at the cups for a while, not saying anything. Finally he sighs, “So you're thinking you should go to the police, yeah? Because you were the last one to see him and you have the cups?”

Todd nods mutely as Steven continues. “I think that's not the greatest idea. I mean, I don't think your suicide theory makes that much sense. Obviously Neil was upset enough to run away, but killing yourself is a huge step away from that. Nevermind the fact that you'll get in huge trouble, you might even get criminal charges for breaking and entering. Not to mention what the admin will do. I just don't think you can afford to mess up your future over this.” Meeks sighs, “I know you're worried about Neil. But he's probably just gone off on another adventure, one last one before the end of school. He'll probably show up at prom or something.”

Meeks checks his watch. “I should probably go, actually. My mom's already mad at me for leaving, better to not be late for dinner.” He stands, his knees cracking loudly. “You can keep the chocolates if you want.”

Todd does, but he's not feeling particularly hungry anymore. He knows Meeks is right, talking to the police will probably only cause problems for him and not help Neil at all. But he can't help feeling guilty despite it.

It doesn't help either that Neil is all his parents and Jeffrey talk about during dinner. His father seems to think that Neil is being childish and selfish. His mother is gloating about how this is going to reflect on the Perry's (she's always had a sort of rivalry going on with Mrs. Perry) and Jeffrey seems to think the whole thing is stupid.

“They're making a big deal out of nothing. Neil probably just skipped school and is staying with a friend or something. Doesn't he have a girlfriend?” Todd doesn't answer him.

It's the same on facebook, which Todd obsessively refreshes between reviewing flashcards for philosophy. There are already a dozen messages on Neil's wall, and a 'Find Neil Perry' group which he's invited to join. Finally he just can't take it anymore and he turns his computer off, lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He should keep studying for philosophy but even that makes him think of Neil, the way his silhouette looked hunched over his desk taking notes. Or the reading glasses he wore as he flipped through _Sophie's World_. Todd can't help thinking that he's failed Neil somehow, that if only last night he had said the right thing or done the right thing, Neil would be next door, curled up safely in his near-perfect life.

His intercom buzzes. “Todd, the window in my craft room is still open, would you mind closing it?” his mom asks.

Todd doesn't want to, he really doesn't want to stand in the room where everything started last night, but he knows his father will get involved if he says no so he heaves himself out of bed and down his stairs. Out of habit he reaches up and slaps the door frame at the bottom. The way he and Neil used to do when they were kids, jumping from the second last step. The paint has actually worn away a little right in the middle of the door frame. It's a good thing actually that his mother never comes into his room. She would have repainted it long ago.

The window has let in a breeze, which has ruffled some of his mother's papers. Pink and blue and green in various patterns littered at his feet like a bizarre pile of leaves. Todd collects them up and sets them on a shelf.

He reaches for the top of the window, trying to avoid looking at Neil's room and failing miserably. His shade has been pulled down and Todd can't tell if he's disappointed or relieved. It takes him a second actually to notice it, that there's something on the shade and he frowns, squinting to try and read it. He runs back upstairs to his room, rummaging around in his closet for his binoculars. When his dad had bought them for his birthday years and years ago Todd had been upset, taking them as an obvious hint that his father hoped he'd join scouts like Jeffrey had. But now he’s never been more thankful.

He dashes back down to the second floor, almost tripping over the last step. He has to adjust the binoculars a few times but there’s clearly something there, something written on a piece of paper, something that could only have possibly been meant for Todd and Todd alone.

_a day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-striken day; and a succession of these days is fatal to human life._

The blood rushing in Todd's ears has nothing to with having just run up and down a flight of stairs. Neil is sending him on one more adventure.

 

v.

There's an assembly for Neil in the morning. The admin are obviously trying hard not to glamorize Neil's disappearance, but they really don't need to. It's one thing if some random kid runs away, but Neil is their king. The undisputed head of the pyramid. Popularity seldom works like it does in movies, with dumb jocks and mean girls at the top of the pile - the truly popular are those who reach out. Who have a sort of energy that draws you to them. Which is why everyone is taking Neil's disappearance as a personal loss and therefore a very bad thing.

At one point the chief of police makes a speech asking anyone who has any information to come forward. Todd glances over to where Meeks is sitting, but he shakes his head. Todd doesn't want to talk to the police anyway, because this puzzle is just for him. His panic the night before, that Neil was dead, that he had killed himself, seems so childish, so superficial.

_A succession of these days is fatal to human life_ , the back of his mind whispers, but Todd pushes it away. Neil wouldn't leave Todd a clue, a puzzle, an adventure if he was dead because then what would their be to find? The body _,_ his mind supplies, but Todd ignores it. Neil was too alive, _is_ too alive to be dead, he's somewhere, probably having a fantastic time, waiting for Todd to find him. He has to believe it because nothing else make sense.

When the assembly is over Todd pushes his way through the crowd trying to get to Meeks but he loses sight of him in the wave of people. Instead he stumbles across Knox, surprisingly not with Chris but with Charlie Dalton. “-gonna be awesome,” he hears Charlie say, obviously the end of some conversation.

“Uh, yeah,” Knox says, sounding a little flustered. “I'll be there. Definitely.”

Charlie nods. “Cool. Oh and you should tell Steven he should totally come too, I mean if he wants to, if he doesn't that's fine or whatever. I invited him already, but just remind him so he doesn't-” Charlie makes a vague hand gesture, “-forget.” He finally settles on.

“Okay. Thanks Charlie.” Knox says. He frowns quizzically, looking down at the square of paper in his hand.

Todd pushes through one last knot of freshmen and Charlie Dalton actually _winks_ at him when he passes. He rolls his eyes and looks away. Maybe it's childish to hate Charlie for 'stealing' Neil away from him, but something about Charlie annoys him. “What was that about?” He asks coming to stand beside Knox, leaning against the auditorium wall.

The last time he had been in here had been for Midsummer on the closing night. He had decided to sit close, just to get a different view of the play, second row from the front on the far left. Todd isn't sure, but he thinks Neil may have seen him sitting in the audience, their eyes meeting during Puck's final speech.

“Charlie just invited me to after-prom at his house. I mean Chris was already invited so I could have gone with her, but he actually gave me my own invitation.” He hands it to Todd, the square of cardstock has Knox's name written at the top in looping silver lettering. “You should come too, I know you're not going to prom because you think it's bourgeois or whatever but after-prom is awesome.”

“Hanging out with people I don't really know while they get drunk and make out? Sounds fun.” Todd rolls his eyes. “But I think I'll pass.”

Knox shrugs. “Your loss.” The auditorium is empty enough that they can get through the doors without trampling the underclassman. “Hey, did you hear about Neil?”

Todd blinks at him. Knox can be kind of oblivious sometimes, but this is just ridiculous. “Uh, yeah we just came from an assembly all about him, remember?”

“What? No not _that_. Chris told me that apparently he's handed in all his projects already and he made appointments to get all his exams done early.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he had like letters from his dad saying he had an admissions interview at Harvard next week so he needed to take them early. But there isn't any admissions interview, he just set this whole thing up in advance so he could graduate without being here.”

Todd swallows, suddenly nervous. If Neil is technically already done with highschool then there was absolutely nothing to make him come back. No, he can't think like that, he’s supposed to find Neil. That’s the plan, that’s the puzzle. Probably.

He goes to Wendy's with Knox and Chris because he knows Meeks will probably be off doing some chemistry experiment or whatever at lunch. Knox makes a disgusted face as Chris dips her fries in her Frosty.

“That's gross.”

“It's delicious,” Chris says, exaggeratedly dipping a fry in and eating it. “Mmmmmm...”

“You're so weird. I always had this idea in my mind that you were like, this perfectly put together girl who only eats salad and has colour coordinated outfits. Now I learn you're this weirdo who eats fries with ice cream and can't swim.”

“Did I shatter all your dreams?” Chris asks, neutrally but Todd can hear that it's a loaded question.

“Maybe a little. But I like weirdo Chris better, because she's real and she's the one I'm going to prom with.”

Chris bites her lip, and her and Knox are looking at each other in a way that makes Todd really uncomfortable to be witnessing. Not like it's gross or weird, just that it's intimate and he shouldn't be there.

“I'm going to go get some ketchup,” Todd says, sliding out of the booth to let Knox and Chris enjoy staring dreamily at each other in private.

He bumps into Gerard at the little condiments and napkins station. Literally, because he's not really paying attention. “Oh hey, sorry Todd!” Gerard says, once again reminding him of a large friendly dog. Or maybe a moose. “Isn't this the worst about Neil?”

“Yeah. It sucks.”

“I remember on my first day, Neil totally showed me around and introduced me to a bunch of people. I'll never forget that, because he wasn't just being nice because he thought he had to, you know? He really cared. I think maybe that was the problem. Neil cared so much about everyone else he forgot to care about himself. Maybe that's what this whole thing is about. Neil needing to take back something for himself.” Gerard sighs. “I just hope he's okay. Wherever he is, probably caring about other people and decreasing world suck.”

Todd wonders if Gerard is maybe onto something. That Neil was too busy being Neil Perry, Harvard-Bound Model Student and Citizen that he hadn't taken enough time to just be Neil. But why now? Why so close to the end of high school, when Neil would have the chance to reinvent himself so soon, did he choose to do it like this? Tearing the fabric of their lives and leaving all the raw edges exposed. You could sew it back together, but the patterns would never match up again.

By the time Todd comes back to the table, Knox and Chris are no longer gazing at each other longingly. Probably because Ginny has shown up and is wedged in the booth across from them. “You should come!” Chris is saying, holding onto Ginny's hand. “It's going to be fun, and you know Charlie's party will be awesome. You already have a ticket and a dress and everything.”

“I don't want to go!” Ginny says, obviously not for the first time. “I just don't, okay? I'm glad you're excited but after this whole week I just want to go home tomorrow and watch Say Yes to the Dress in my pyjamas. Okay?”

Chris huffs just slightly. “Fine. Okay.”

“I heard Neil finished your sociology project.” Todd says

Ginny nods, “He handed it in on Monday, he'll probably even get a good grade on it. 'The Life and Times of Lewis Mumford'” She makes a fake banner with her hands. “Neil was always more interested in soc than me anyways.”

“We should go,” Knox says. “It's quarter after, do you need a ride?” He looks at Ginny who shakes her head. “Okay then. See you later Ginny.”

Todd gets up out of the booth, his feet sticking a little bit. Then, in a moment of weakness, he turns back to Ginny. “I miss him too,” he says and then walks quickly out of the Wendy's before Ginny can say anything.

Todd had meant to look up that quote during his free period, but he's so busy preparing for exams that he really doesn't have time to. He edits his history essay and then starts in on his math review, absentmindedly chewing on his pencil. He feels more than sees Ginny staring at him from across the library, and when he looks up she blushes and turns back to her notebook. She's sitting with Charlie Dalton, who’s talking to her rather animatedly about something, but she keeps looking up at Todd.

Finally, unable to concentrate on quadratic equations any longer, Todd gets up and walks over to their table.

“-And then I'm like 'well you ever heard the expression good things come in small packages?' and she's like-” Charlie cuts off abruptly seeing Todd. “Can I help you?”

Ginny turns in her seat and gazes down, obviously embarrassed. “Hey Todd.”

“Did-did you wanna talk to me?” He says, his voice skipping like an old record. He blames Charlie Dalton for this, he has a way of looking at people that Todd can't stand. Like he's waiting for you to entertain him.

“Um,” Ginny bites her lip, “Yeah, kind of. Uh, Charlie do you mind?”

Charlie rolls his eyes, “Of course your majesty, besides I have things to see, people to do.” He winks and Todd barely refrains from rolling his eyes. “Hey, you're friends with Steven right? Tell him he should come to my party tomorrow, you too if you want. It's going to be legend- wait for it-dary!” He tips an invisible hat at Todd before swaggering out of the library.

“What the hell?” Todd says, mostly under his breath. “Did he just quote How I Met Your Mother at me?”

Ginny shrugs. “He does stuff like that. Though to be fair Charlie is kind of like Barney, he talks a big game about the ladies and underneath he's Neil Patrick Harris.”

“What?”

“You know, because he likes guys.”

“He _what_?” Todd actually has to sit down because things just got even weirder.

“Yeah, he's bi.”

“Charlie likes guys?”

“And girls. And both. And neither.”

“But he's so … ” Todd waves vaguely, even though he's not quite sure what this is supposed to signify. He doesn't even know what adjective he's grappling for here.

“I can't believe you didn't know this,” Ginny says. “Didn't he ask your friend Steven to prom?”

“Yeah, as a joke or a bet or something.”

“You've got to be kidding me. Charlie has had a huge crush on him for like two years. How do you not know this?” She laughs a little, and then her voice drops and goes all fake serious. “Also on the off chance Charlie asks I didn't tell you that because it's supposed to be a secret.”

Todd thinks of Meeks' cup _steven meeks needs to open his eyes_. “Oh. My. God.”

Ginny shrugs. “He was pretty upset actually when he said no.”

“He was not.”

“He was, he's just good at hiding it. Charlie Dalton is a pretty complex person when you get to know him. He's not all dumb hats and stupid jokes, you know.”

Todd rolls his eyes. “I'm sure Charlie is very complex and wonderful and amazing. But I didn't come over here to talk about that. What did you want to tell me?”

Ginny bites her lip. “It's more of a question, actually.”

Oh dear god, Todd thinks, please don't ask me to prom.

“Did Neil ever tell you … about us?” She asks, voice pitched low.

“Us? As in you and Neil?”

She nods timidly. “I mean did he ever tell you how we weren't … ” She trails off, obviously not wanting to tell Todd out loud if he doesn't know. But he does.

“Oh, yeah. He, uh, mentioned it.”

“Okay. Cause I was just wondering if you two were … ” She waves her hand around vaguely again. It takes Todd a second to get what she's implying.

“N-no! No. No, no no no, no. Definitely not.” Todd splutters.

“Oh,” Ginny says. “Sorry, I just thought maybe … because you said you miss him. I don't know. It's stupid, never mind. I'm sorry.” She shakes her head. “It's just, Neil used to talk about you sometimes. Not a lot or anything. But you'd come up occasionally.”

“Really?” Todd asks, a little flattered to be honest. He shouldn't be surprised, really, but something about the idea of Neil talking about him when he wasn't around, even if it was just a fleeting mention or a casual comment, makes Todd's stomach flip.

Ginny nods and smiles absentmindedly at her notebook. “Yeah, he really did.” They're both quiet for a minute, Ginny continuing to stare at her notebook. Todd wonders if she was, or is, in love with Neil too. If that was the reason she had agreed to be his pretend-girlfriend. He's working up the courage to ask when the bell rings, and Ginny's up out of her seat. “See you around.” She says, her back already turned away from him, and Todd loses all his desire to ask. It's not his business anyway.

Math is long and Todd spends it hastily editing his history essay despite multiple protests from Cameron to join in the poker game he set up instantaneously (if anyone asks they're only playing Cheat). “Come on, it's not for money or anything. Betcha got a great poker face, huh Todd?” But he doesn't feel like having his ass kicked by Cameron in cards, even for free. Todd actually has a theory going that Cameron has some sort of card counting thing going on and that one day he'll be banned from Las Vegas, Atlantic City and Monte Carlo.

Chris is busy with prom committee, so for the first time in days Todd actually has to drive Knox somewhere. Knox actually could have had his license ages ago, not to mention a much nicer car than Todd, but he had a bad experience with a deer and hasn't gotten behind the wheel since. Todd doesn't really mind to be honest, it's nice to have people need him for something, even if it's just his car.

“I got us reservations at _Oskar's_ ,” Knox says. “My dad knows the chef so he was able to get us a table. I'll probably blow all of pay for the month on it, but it'll totally be worth it. Besides, Chris was so excited when I told her she actually sort of … squealed a little.”

Todd flips on his turn signal. “Is that something straight guys find attractive?”

“I think in general I just find Chris being human really attractive. I mean, not that she wasn't human before, but like, I had this whole idea that she was so … put together? Like everything she did was so carefully planned out ahead of time. It's just really nice to know that she's just this girl who has thoughts and emotions just happening spontaneously.”

“You should write greeting cards,” Todd says pulling up to Knox's driveway. Unlike most houses in the community, Knox's has an obnoxiously long driveway leading up to it which winds its way up a hill. In the winter it's pretty deadly, and there have been a few memorable occasions where Knox has missed school because he hasn't been able to get down the driveway.

Keating's already asleep when he gets to the store and Todd notices disparagingly that another few copies of _Fifty Shades of Grey_ have sold. He runs the words from Neil's quote through his head over and over as he cleans shelves and sweeps the floors, running them smooth. By the time he's finished all the jobs and types them into the search bar he doesn't even falter in the wording. _A day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-striken day; and a succession of these days is fatal to human life._

It's a quote, Todd has already figured because it doesn't sound like a poem or song lyrics, but google confirms it, giving him pages of matching searches. It's from some guy named Lewis Mumford and Todd opens his wikipedia page in another window. It's a familiar name, only vaguely, but it twinges in his brain anyway. Keating wanders into the room and Todd shuts the window he was looking at. He knows that Keating doesn't care if he uses the computer, but he wants to keep Neil's message to himself. At least for now.

“Ah, Todd. I see you have returned the store to its former glory.” He reaches up, back cracking as he stretches. “You can head off early if you like, I thought I might pack it in soon myself. I'm sure you have lots of big plans for tonight.”

Todd sometimes wonders if adults all magically forget being a teenager once they hit 30, because Todd knows there have always been people like him and never once have any of them ever had 'big plans' on a Thursday night. He doesn't like to burst Keating's bubble though so he just shrugs, “Prom's tomorrow, so I thought I'd just do some homework.”

“Ahhh, Prom night.” Keating says nostalgically, even though Todd knows for a fact that he went to some crappy all-boys boarding school out in the middle of nowhere and probably didn't even have a prom. “Well then, by all means head out early, and I'll see you on Monday.”

It's not until Todd's almost home that it hits him. He knows where he's heard Lewis Mumford's name before.

 

vi.

Ginny looks completely shocked to see him when she opens the door. “Todd! Hi!” Her voice goes up an octave and she looks guilty for some reason. “Come in, hi, how are you?” She's changed out of her school clothes into sweatpants, and she rubs her hands nervously on the sides of them.

“Are you okay?” Todd asks, because even though Ginny's sort of quiet and shy at school he's never seen her this jittery.

“Fine!” She says brightly, “Uh, can you just excuse me for one second?” She takes off down the stairs leaving Todd standing awkwardly in the foyer. There's a sudden burst of sound from downstairs, the unmistakable bad music and moaning of porn and then Ginny's voice going “ _Shit! Shit!_ ” before it cuts off.

She gives him a withering look as she walks back up the stairs, “No judgments. I had a gay fake-boyfriend for two years, I'm allowed to masturbate to porn at my own house.”

“Uh,” Todd says.

“And this preconceived notion that girls don't like sex, or porn, or masturbating or whatever is stupid and sexist.” She crosses her arms over her chest defiantly, like she's just waiting for Todd to say something.

“Uh,” Todd says.

“Did you need something?”

“Oh, yeah right.” Todd clear his throat. “Well there's this sort of thing.”

Ginny raises an eyebrow. “A thing? Could you maybe be a bit more specific?

“Sorry. See, I was in my old bedroom which has a window which faces Neil's room, and there was something written on the shade and I looked it up and it's a quote from this Lewis Mumford guy, the one you did your project on, and I thought maybe that Neil did it on purpose as a sort of like clue and I thought maybe you'd know more about it,” Todd gasps out all in one breath, and maybe he should have figured out what he was going to say ahead of time.

“Wait, what?”

Todd sighs. Yeah, he definitely should have figured this out beforehand. “When Neil and I were kids he was really into scavenger hunts and he used to leave me these clues to follow, and there's a quote by Lewis Mumford on his shade where only I would have seen it. I think Neil's leaving me a message or a path to find him or … I don't know, _something_. I just thought maybe you'd know more about the quote?” He holds out a piece of paper he's written on.

“That son of a bitch,” Ginny mutters, but fondly. “He left you a treasure map?”

“Sort of. Maybe. I mean it might mean nothing, but-”

“Neil doesn't do things by accident, he plans, he _schemes._ ” She unfolds the paper and reads the quote, frowning slightly, “I don't recognize this but maybe it's in the book.”

“The book?”

“Neil lent me one of his books, _Technics and Civilizations_ . It's what we based our project around. I didn't really get it to be honest, like I got it, but I didn't _get_ it. Neil was really into his stuff though. Come on, I'll get it for you.” He follows her up the stairs and into her bedroom, which is well, not what Todd imagined a girl’s bedroom would look like at all. Though, in all fairness, his idea of girls’ bedrooms had mostly come from teen movies and episodes of Glee Knox made him watch.

First of all it's … messy, but not dirty. There are are piles of things all over the floor which Ginny navigates around easily. “Sorry about the mess,” she says, shoving a pile of papers over with her foot. “Normally I only have people in the basement.”

She's got an entire wall completely covered with drawings and pictures. Todd sees more than a dozen of her with Neil, laughing together during rehearsals or at school dances in front of poorly constructed lattice archways. The thing is, even though Todd knows now that their relationship wasn't exactly what he’d thought, there's no denying how much Neil obviously adored her. _Adores_ he thinks, because Neil isn't gone, not really. Not if he's leaving Todd a trail to find him.

“Here,” Ginny says handing him a paperback book filled with neon sticky-notes. “There's a bunch of notes he's made in it. I didn't pick up on anything, but … ” She shrugs. “I mean he didn't leave the message for me, obviously.” She sounds hurt, and Todd doesn't blame her. He knows what it's like to be second on the list of the person you put first.

“Thanks.” He tucks the book under his arm protectively and Ginny shifts awkwardly, one foot balanced on top of the other.

“You could stay and hang out for a while, I mean if you want to,” she says, and Todd says yes, surprising himself. His parents are out at some dinner party anyway.

Ginny makes popcorn on the stove and then douses it in dust which Todd thinks is supposed to vaguely taste like dill pickles underneath all the chemicals. “Do you wanna watch a movie or something?” Ginny asks, licking green chemical dust off of her fingers. “Seeing as you interrupted my private viewing experience.”

“I'm not watching some porno with you.”

“Hey, I was watching the porn version of Les Mis, that's practically art.” She throws a kernel at him.“Besides, I'm pretty sure porn-watching is at a much later stage in our relationship anyway. Right after helping each other wax the downtown.”

Todd chokes on a mouthful of popcorn, and Ginny pounds him on the back as his coughs and his eyes run. They end up watching some cheesy action movie that Todd only half pays attention to, his eyes keep darting towards the book sitting between them on the couch, filling the void neither of them will talk about.

“I should go,” Todd says as the credits end and Netflix's homepage reappears.

“Yeah.” Ginny echoes. “Sure, okay.”

“You going to school tomorrow?”

Ginny shrugs, her pale shoulders sharp. “I guess, most of the Juniors will be there anyway. Besides it's not like I'm actually going to prom.”

“Yeah. Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow,” Todd says. He shows himself out.

He purposely drives the long way home so he can drive by Neil's house. There are no cars in the driveway, and Todd wonders if the Perry's went to the dinner party his parents are at. If they're pretending everything is fine, skirting around the edge of the hole that has been punched in their lives.

Jeffrey's standing at the stove when Todd walks into the kitchen, whistling to himself. “Hey, sport.” Jeffrey says which is what their dad used to call him when they were kids. Todd didn't really like it then, but it sounds nicer somehow coming from Jeff. “You want a grilled cheese?”

“Sure,” Todd says setting his bag on the table. It's almost 8:00 pm but it feels so much earlier with the evening sun streaming through the windows. “I actually haven't had grilled cheese in a long time.”

“Me neither, not since like first year when I didn't know how to cook. Besides, Miriam's lactose-intolerant and you _cannot_ make a decent grilled cheese with soy cheese, believe me I have tried.”

Though Todd has never even met Miriam, she features prominently in the lore of Jeff's life as an Ivy League hotshot. Todd's mother antagonizes over it and brings her up at least once per conversation, though Jeffrey has yet to really define the nature of their relationship. For all Todd knows they met when they tried to pick up the same girl at a bar and to be honest he's okay with that. He's spent so much of his life hearing about all the minute details of Jeffrey's that he doesn't mind a little mystery.

“So,” Jeffrey says shoving a sandwich half into his mouth. “You seeing anyone? Any cute girls … or guys?”

“No,” Todd says.

“Really? Because you know you're my bro no matter what.”

“Yeah, cause that's how genetics works.”

Jeffrey sighs. “I'm just trying to be supportive.”

“I appreciate it, but honestly you sound like a bad afterschool special on acceptance. Besides, there really isn't anyone. Is there really no ketchup?” Todd says looking into the fridge.

“No, and don't change the subject. We're having a heartwarming bro to bro talk.”

“I'd rather have ketchup to be honest,” Todd says. His grilled cheese is slightly burnt and Jeffrey's cut it in half rather than on the diagonal. “And no, I'm not going to talk to mom and dad about it, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Jeffrey says, relenting, and they eat in silence for a while. “Did you wanna watch a movie? I think James Bond is on.”

“Nah, I have stuff I need to do.”

“Isn't it prom tomorrow? It's not like anyone goes to school,” Jeffrey calls after him. Todd ignores him, setting his dishes in the sink with a clatter.

Todd tries to read. He really and truly does for almost an hour before shoving the book on his nightstand and booting up his laptop. It's not that the book is that hard to read - sure it's conceptual and Mumford obviously favours poetic metaphor - but it's deeper than that. Todd can feel himself straining to find Neil hidden behind every word. Tucked in between the typeset and the margins. But the harder he tries to find any whisper of him, the less likely it seems that there's a message. Maybe it's like trying to remember the name of a song or a half-forgotten dream, so Todd puts the book down, hoping that the less he tries the more clear the answers will become.

Facebook is, predictably, all prom stuff and though he isn't sad that he's not going he is a little bit sad that he feels so separated from the people he's spent the last four years attending classes with. Many of whom he tolerates and a handful of whom he does genuinely like. Todd isn't naive, he doesn't think he'll go off to college and instantly have a million friends and everyone will suddenly care about the things he cares about. He's just never been the kind of guy to have a lot of friends and that's okay with him. Todd knows he's kind of hard to get along with anyway.

_Ginny Danbury: Not going to prom, doesn't feel right without Neil._

_Chris Noel: :( we'll miss you bb_

_Charlie Dalton: u coming to after prom?_

_Ginny Danbury: I dont think so_

_Charlie Dalton: booooooo_

So much for the 'stop thinking about it and the answer will appear' approach. Todd sighs through his nose and shuts his laptop. He should really be studying, seeing as his exams start on Monday, but he can't bring himself to care. Instead he reads Lewis Mumford until his eyes blur and he falls asleep on top of his covers, still searching for Neil between every word. He dreams in typeset.

Todd goes to school the next morning, even though his classes are deserted and his teachers look annoyed that he's bothered to show up at all. He's halfway done reading _Technics and Civilizations,_ which is both interesting and unbearably dry, when Ginny finds him in the library.

“How's it going?” Ginny says flopping down in a chair beside him, “You figured anything out yet?”

“No,” Todd says, not looking up from the page even if he isn't fooling anyone into thinking he's still reading.

“It's pretty … ” She waves her hand. “High concept, huh?”

“It's very Neil. The whole idea that our society produces things that are imperfect to serve the majority imperfectly. Sounds kind of like high school, actually.”

Ginny rolls her eyes. “You're doing it wrong.”

“Huh?”

“You're trying to read it for him, reading it to find him. But Neil was reading it for you, to show you to stop trying to hard.”

“Yeah but maybe what Neil thinks I would see isn't what I really will see, so I have to figure out what he'd think I'd see.”

“Remember that over-thinking thing I mentioned?” Ginny says wryly.

“I just need to figure it out. I need to find him.” Todd says, a little darker and harsher than he'd intended to. “He _picked_ me.” He finally says, softer and he hates the way Ginny looks at him, like she's afraid for him, like she pities him. Todd hates it so much he just leaves, just picks up and goes home because he can't think with Ginny looking at him like that.

He slams the door behind him and Jeffrey appears in the doorway of the laundry room, a basket of freshly folded clothing in his arms. “Hey, why aren't you at school?”

“Why do you care?” Todd snaps, throwing his school bag by the bannister and running up two flights of stairs as quickly as he can. He flops down on his bed, chest heaving slightly, both from physical and emotional exertion. Todd rolls over to grab _Technics and Civilizations_ only to remember it's currently nestled in his bag at the bottom of the stairs. “Oh, fuck it.” Todd says to himself and decides this is a sign from the universe and lets himself fall asleep.

When he wakes up his mouth is gross and he feels all disoriented, half falling out of bed because his limbs are no longer coordinated. Todd rubs his face and glances over at the clock. 4:34 pm, he's slept for almost 4 hours. Jeffrey's in the kitchen when he wanders in, yawning and rummaging through the cupboards.  “You okay?” Jeff asks, sounding nervous.

“Yeah. Uh, sorry about earlier, exams.” Todd offers as a feeble excuse pulling a carton of orange juice out of the fridge.

“I totally understand.” Jeffrey says, which isn't true and they both know it, but it's nice that he's pretending. “If you ever need anything I'm here for you.”

“Mhmm,” Todd says around the rim of his glass. “Did the school call yet?”

“Yeah, I pretended to be dad and said you had a dermatologist appointment.”

“And they believed you?”

Jeffrey rolled his eyes. “Duh, no one would lie about having a dermatologist appointment because it sounds so stupid.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“No problem. Oh yeah, and some girl called for you? Ginger?”

“Ginny. Okay, I'll call her back I guess.” Todd says, grabbing his backpack this time on his way back upstairs. He doesn't know Ginny's number so he boots up his computer and logs into Facebook.

There's a picture on his newsfeed of Knox having his nails done by Chris, smiling like an idiot. Todd vaguely remembers Knox mentioning something about manicures, though at the time he had assumed it would have been Chris getting her nails done. Most of his newsfeed is about people getting ready for prom actually. He scrolls back up to the search bar and absentmindedly types in Neil's name instead of Ginny's, and doesn't realize until Neil's profile pops up on the screen.

Todd's about to scroll back up to type in Ginny's name when he notices something along the side of his profile. “No way.” He mutters to himself, reaching for _Technics and Civilizations_. It's there, a picture in the index. Two words circled under a photo of Lewis Mumford holding a small child.

He clicks over to Ginny's profile and plugs her number into his phone. “Ginny?” Todd says, “It's me. What can you tell me about Mumford & Sons?”

 

vii.

They meet in a coffee shop down the street from the bookstore where the barista gives him a weird look when he just orders tea. Ginny couldn't get out of the house until almost 8:00 so Todd waits in a corner booth, drinking his tea and googling the crap out of Mumford and Sons. He still doesn't know a lot about them other than there's a GIF of a cartoon character dramatically playing a lute everyone associates them with. The hard thing is without Ginny, Todd really doesn't know what he's supposed to be looking for. Is it something to do with the members? Is it something in a lyric? Or maybe it's more straightforward than that...again.

Ginny shows up at 8:24 looking flustered. “Sorry,” She says sliding into the booth beside Todd, “My mom was all on my case, she's like 'I thought you weren't going to prom?' and I'm like 'I'm not I'm going out to meet Todd' and she's like 'who's Todd?' and I'm like 'Just some guy' and then she gave me a box of condoms and told me to 'be safe'.” Ginny sighs, “She tries to be cool and progressive but sometimes I wish she would just like go to bridge club and ignore me like they did in the old days.”

“Trust me, that's not fun.” Todd says taking a sip of his tea, long gone cold.

“You know in a movie this would be the part where we get zapped by lightning and change bodies. Then we'd both have a deeper empathy for each other and there’d’d be a crappy soundtrack and everything.”

“Uh, right.” Todd says, “Now speaking of soundtracks, Mumford and Sons?”

Ginny nods, “Oh yeah, sorry. I'm going to assume since this is Neil, it's going to be a physical thing. It'll be either the CDs themselves or maybe his iPod. Which means we're going to have to get into his room.”

“What?”

“Look it's not a big deal, I've done it a million times before.” Ginny fiddles with something out of her coat pocket. “I actually have a key so we're not technically breaking in.”

“That's still entering.”

“I don't think the Perry's will call the cops on us.” She frowns, “Actually yeah they might do that. _So_ that just means we have to be extra careful not to get caught.”

“I dunno...” Todd fiddles with his empty cup. Breaking into the school with Neil was one thing, but breaking into Neil's house was a whole new neighbourhood of danger. Especially since they'd have to be careful not only to steer clear of Neil's parents but his own as well.

“Look, I know this is kind of sketchy and maybe more than a little insane. But Neil left you these clues on purpose and he made it so I'd get involved too and we can't just ignore that. I don't know what this is all leading to but we have to follow it through to the end.”

Todd sighs, “Okay, okay, fine. But only because I want to find Neil.”

Ginny pulls a napkin out of the dispenser. “Okay so here's the plan. I'll sneak in the back door with my key and get the CDs and his iPod - if he left it behind, which I doubt but who knows - and you can keep a watch from your house,” she says drawing a sketch on the napkin.

“Was a diagram really necessary? That's a pretty straightforward plan.” Todd says.

“Maybe I'm making a scrapbook.”

“That seems a bit unlikely seeing as having a detailed account of the crime you're going to commit is a pretty surefire way to get arrested.”

Ginny pouts. “Now you're going to tell me I have to throw out my murder photo albums!” The barista darts a glance over at them and looks away quickly.

“Great, now the barista thinks we're serial killers.”

“He does not. He probably just thinks we're writing a screenplay. Isn't that what people in coffee shops do?”

“Yeah, but usually those people have laptops,” Todd deadpans. Ginny just grins and Todd decides he needs to stop spending so much time with people who seem to get a real thrill out of breaking and entering. Honestly he'd call a stop to the whole thing if it weren't for the memory of Neil on the roof that morning. How sad he'd sounded. How lost. Todd hadn't done anything then and now he has a way to set things straight. Or at least that's what he's hoping.

Ginny insists on ordering a mocha latte before they leave and the barista gives her the stinkeye. “He definitely thinks you're a serial killer.” Todd says buckling his seatbelt and turning the keys in the ignition.

“That's fairly statistically unlikely given my age, sex and socio-economic status,” Ginny says taking off the lid of her drink and blowing on it. “I'd be one hell of an outlier.”

“Don't spill!” Todd says eyeing her open drink warily.

“Because we definitely wouldn't want to ruin this quality upholstery. It's like the 1990's threw up.”

Todd opens his mouth to defend his van's interior, but it's accurate enough that he doesn't have much of a comeback. He does arguably have the worst car of anyone at their high school. But it's not like he really has much of a desire to be driving around a BMW with an all-white leather interior like Richard Cameron got last year for his birthday.

(As previously mentioned it was not Cameron himself who gave off the air of douchebaggery but rather the unfortunate set of facial expressions he was limited to by his bone structure and his car, which has been named by Charlie Dalton, the Douche-Mobile).

“Gimme your phone,” Ginny says as they idle at a red-light. Todd hands it over and watches out of the corner of his eye as she plugs something into it. “It's my number, that way you can call me if you see any suspicious activity.”

“Suspicious activity? You mean like a girl breaking into the Perry's house.”

She slaps him on the arm, “For the last time it's only entering. Besides I can always play the hysterical girlfriend card if I get caught.”

“Ex-girlfriend,” Todd murmurs, and he doesn't know if Ginny doesn't hear him or just chooses not to respond but she's silent beside him as they drive.

“I think the best way to do this will be if you let me through your backyard and I go in through the backdoor. Mr. Perry's always in his office and that's got soundproofing. Mrs. Perry usually goes to bed pretty early so everything should be quiet. All I have to do is sneak up the back stairs and into Neil's room. You can watch from your house and make sure everything stays quiet.”

Todd turns onto his street and glances at the Perry's house, Ginny is right, everything looks pretty quiet. The light’s on in Mr. Perry's office and not much else. “I love this street.” Ginny says, “It's the only one that really feels real in the whole subdivision.”

“That's only because it's old,” Todd says. “I'm sure when they were built everyone thought it looked weird and fake. Time gives everything a false feeling of importance.”

Ginny shrugs, her face pressed up against the window. “Maybe.” She glances at the clock on the dashboard. “I was supposed to be at prom right now.” She says, voice neutral.

“Yeah. I guess.” Todd says, not knowing how to respond.

“I wish I was there. Well, I mean, no. I don't actually. I wish I was there with Neil and everything was normal. Even though it obviously wasn't _really_ normal if he packs up and runs away like that. I just wish-” She cuts herself off and shakes her head.

“You have no idea where he went?”

“Not really. I guess there's the whole New York thing, right? Like that's the whole dream, you go to New York and everything's amazing and different. But I can't really see Neil in New York, I can't imagine him being in a place and just being a little blip, because he's Neil Perry and Neil Perry is not a blip.”

“He wouldn't be a blip. Not even in New York. Not ever.” Todd says clutching the steering wheel, and even though he means it, it feels like a lie.

They wait in the car, parked in the garage for almost two hours because Todd's paranoid about it not being dark enough. He half-reads Moby Dick which he had stashed in the backseat for some reason while watching Ginny play Angry Birds on her phone. It's almost 11:30 when she hops out of the car.

“I think this will be dark enough.” She says looking down at her brown t-shirt and dark-wash jeans. Todd can't help but think of Neil in his full-on ninja get up. Could that really have only been three nights ago?

Already the picture of him is fading, getting hazy around the edges, his imagination filling in the gaps. Todd doesn't want that to happen, doesn't want to lose what really happened between him and Neil and have a memory take it's place, made up of half truths and white lies.

Ginny opens the back door of the garage. “Call me if you see anything okay? I'll wait a few minutes so you can get into position.” And then she's gone, slipping out into the night.

Todd tries to be as quiet as he can, climbing up the stairs so he can get to his old bedroom. The last thing he needs right now is his mother bothering him to fold laundry or his dad mad at him about some miniscule thing he did wrong. He winces when the door creaks, shutting it halfway behind him. The binoculars he had brought down the other night are still sitting on top of the bookshelf so he grabs them, searching for the outline of Ginny in the yard. He flicks the lamp on and then off again, like this is some made-for-TV spy movie. The room is dark, and Todd fixes the binoculars on Neil's house.

Briefly he sees Ginny run across the yard, getting caught in the light coming from a window, and then she's gone again, hidden in the shadow cast by Neil's house. Todd places his phone on the window sill, easy access in case he needs to call Ginny. It flashes across his mind again how totally insane, not to mention illegal, this plan is, and for the first time he can feel himself getting angry at Neil.

Neil has always been selfish, always. Ever since they were children, Neil's problems - or the problems Neil cared about - were always the most important ones. And now he's gone and Todd's scrambling after broken pieces searching for Neil, letting Neil's problems take over his life _again._ For a moment he considers calling Ginny and telling her to forget it. Neil can come home if he wants to, he is an adult after all, at least in the eyes of the law. Why are they wasting their time and energy dragging him back when he obviously wanted to leave?

But Todd doesn't do that. Because he loves Neil, which is pathetic or noble depending on how you look at it, and loving someone means loving the jagged edges too. Even if you might get cut on them in the process.

He catches a glimpse of Ginny as she moves around Neil's room. The lights are off so he can only see her shadowy outline whenever she passes in front of the window. He holds up the binoculars, practically pressed up against the glass. The light in Mr. Perry's office is still on and it's the only one in the house from what Todd can tell.

Only then suddenly it's not and there's a light on in the hallway. Todd reaches for his phone, knocks it off the window sill and grapples for it on the floor cursing under his breath. He scrolls through his contacts in a panic and he has never been more grateful to not have that many people in his phone. His hands are shaking just a little and it rings twice before she picks up.

“Yeah?” Ginny whispers, “Todd?”

“Mr. Perry isn't in his office anymore.”

“Shit. Shit! Okay I'm going to climb out through the window.”

“What? No! Why? Just wait a minute.”

“Look, I dunno where Mr. Perry is going to go and I'd rather not get trapped in Neil's room. Look it's easy, I'll just climb onto the roof-”

“I know how you can do it but it's a bad idea!” Todd hisses into the phone.

“I'll be over in a minute.”

“Ginny-no!” But the line goes dead. Todd climbs to his feet and wretches the window open. Ten feet away Ginny is doing the same before pulling herself out, pushing the window mostly shut again with her feet and hauling herself onto the roof. Todd loses sight of her as she heads around to the back of the house so she can use the tree to get onto Todd's roof. The amount of dangerous climbing in his life has increased tenfold in the last week and it's not a pattern Todd likes very much.

There's a loud thump as Ginny hits the roof and her feet come kicking into the window. Unlike Neil she comes in backwards Todd grabbing onto her hips to help pull her through the window.

“Watch it,” She warns.

“You know I'm gay, right?” Todd says, ignoring her and getting an arm around her waist to pull her in.

“Well this is awkward.” Jeffrey says from behind them, and Todd whips around letting go of Ginny who falls backwards onto her ass on the carpet.

“This isn't what it looks like!” Todd says, panicked.

“Uh, and what exactly would that be? The thing that this looks like but isn't because I don't even know what I'm supposed to think this is,” Jeffrey says, sounding genuinely concerned.

“Omigod,” Ginny says from the floor, “You're _Jeffrey Anderson_.”

“Um, yes?”

Ginny scrambles to her feet. “Oh wow. Hi! Uh, I don't think you’d remember me, I'm Ginny. Chet's sister?”

“Oh, yeah. Sure. How's it going, Ginny?”

“Good. Great!” She rubs her hands together nervously. “You go to Yale right?”

“Yeah. Grad school. Poli-sci,” Jeffrey says, but he's looking at Todd, his eyebrows raised in an obvious 'what-the-fuck-is-going-on?' kind of look.

“Oh wow. Great,” Ginny says, smoothing her hair down over and over. Tucking it behind her ears and untucking it nervously.

“Ginny.” Todd says, not able to stand the awkwardness for a second longer. “How about I drive you home?”

“Yes. Great. Amazing. Best idea ever, Todd-o,” Ginny babbles, letting herself be led by Todd into the hallway and down the stairs.

Jeffrey stands at the top looking down at them, the confused expression still plastered onto his face.

“What the hell was that?” Todd asks once they're safely in the mini-van.

Ginny flushes and ducks her head. “I'm _sorry_ it's just, I mean, God. _Jeffrey Anderson_. I remember he came to my middle school for some academic decathalon or something, and every girl just had a ridiculous crush on him. I mean, Todd, you do know your brother is sort of a legend right?”

He gives her a sideways glance. “No, I've never once heard about the amazing exploits of _Jeffrey Anderson_.”

“I didn't say it like that,” Ginny complains.

“You did! It's like you were meeting the President or something.”

“He could be one day!”

“One can only hope,” Todd deadpans. “Hello. Priorities. Did you find the stuff in Neil's room?”

Ginny bites her lip. “Well not, exactly. Actually, you should just pull over because there’s no point going back to my house.”

“Why not?” Todd asks, but he's already pulling over. “Please tell me they were there.” Ginny doesn't say anything. “ _Ginny please tell me they were there!_ ”

“Look okay, before you freak out, and you're already kind of freaking out. But before you freak out more I just want to say that I don't have the CDs but I know where they are.”

“You don't-” Todd starts darkly. “We need the - how are we supposed to find Neil and - You had one job!”

Ginny looks at him evenly. “Todd, seriously, bring it down like three notches; this is insane.”

“We need the CDs! We need the CDs to find Neil! I have to find Neil because he wants me to find him and he could be in danger or need help!”

“I know! But the CDs aren't in Neil's room,” Ginny says. Well, half-shouts really.

“Then where are they!” Todd snaps.

Ginny raises one eyebrow and jerks her head towards the house they've stopped across from.

“Oh god no.” Todd says.

 

viii.

Todd can think of only two things in the world he wants to do less than attend Charlie Dalton's after-prom party. One involves torture and the other public speaking and nudity. To say that he begs Ginny to let him stay in the car while she retrieves the CDs Neil lent to Charlie really isn't an over-exaggeration in the least.

“Please?” Todd says, “I don't even know why you need me to be here anyways. It's not like me and Charlie are even friends. And do you even know he has the CDs? Maybe they're somewhere else.”

“Yes I'm sure, Neil gave them to him last week at lunch. Said he didn't need them anymore, which was weird, but I didn't really think anything of it at the time.” Ginny says as they walk up the Dalton's ridiculously long driveway which leads up to their equally ridiculously large house. To say that the Dalton's are loaded is almost ridiculous in it's understatement. Not that you'd be able to tell from the way Charlie Dalton dresses, a style which Todd had literally heard him call 'hobo chic'.

The music's  pounding from the house and Todd could hear the unmistakable cheers of a large group of half-drunk teenagers. He crosses his arms more snugly over his chest, knowing he looks like he's sulking (which, to be fair, he is) and not caring very much. “I still don't see why I had to come,” he mutters, but Ginny ignores him.

They don't bother ringing the doorbell, since the door is open and no one would hear it anyways over the pounding music. “Okay, now we just have to find Charlie and get out of here as quickly as possible,” Todd shouts over the music.

“I'm going to go find Chris!” Ginny shouts back.

“Wait, what-no! That's not the plan!” Todd shouts but Ginny has already disappeared into the crush of bodies.

He wanders into the kitchen, mostly just to get where it isn't so loud and bumps into Gerard, who is making out with one of the tiniest girls Todd has ever seen. “Hey man!” Gerard says pulling away, fuchsia lipstick smeared all over his face. “What are you doing here!? We missed you at Prom, man!”

“Uh, I'm looking for Charlie?” Todd says, and it comes out as a question because he has never had anyone seem so genuinely excited to see him ever and it's a bit surprising.

Gerard frowns and looks down at the tiny girl, who is sitting on the marble island in an attempt to help her reach Gerard's face. “Have you seen Charlie?”

“I think he's in the basement,” She says but doesn't elaborate any further because then they're making out again and Todd decides that as much as he isn't fond of Charlie, almost anything would be better than watching this.

Todd checks his watch - it's only a little after midnight, so most of the people he runs into are only moderately tipsy or making out sloppily. Or both. And while he's not a huge fan of the euphemism 'sucking face,' it seems applicable in some cases. He wonders what Neil would be like, if he was here. Probably holed up somewhere with Ginny and his drama club friends, drinking something more sophisticated than jello shooters and warm beer. But Neil isn't here, which is exactly why Todd has to find Charlie.

The party is mostly centered around the kitchen and the living room with couples split off into hallways with dozens of locked doors. There's also a large gathering of people hanging out around the swimming pool in the backyard, boys with their pants legs rolled up to stick their legs in the water and girls with their long dresses hiked up around their knees.

Todd's given up on looking for the basement at this point after rattling a few dozen door handles and finding them all locked. Now he's just trying to find Ginny again, which is starting to look like a much more difficult task than it originally seemed. Especially since the longer he stays, the more drunk everyone around him gets. He's 90% sure he saw Cameron throwing up in the bushes earlier.

He catches sight of Knox sitting on the edge of the pool with Chris, whose head is pillowed on his shoulder. Ginny, of course, is nowhere to be seen. Todd debates for a second whether he should go over to them because there is a chance Chris has been with Ginny recently and might know where the hell she actually is. But on the other hand, that would involve having to deal with both their inevitable excitement at him showing up at after-prom and having to break into their little couple-bubble.

Todd's slowly working up the courage to walk over to them when Ginny suddenly appears beside him with a red plastic cup filled with Coke and probably at least one or two other things much less PG-13. “Hey.” She says, “You want some?”

Todd takes the cup and sips. It tastes like lighter fluid. “That's disgusting,” he says shoving it back into Ginny's hands. “I thought you were going to talk to Chris?”

“It's fine I can see her whenever, her and Knox are having their _dream prom_ , it's like a fucking made-for-TV movie.”

“Has anyone ever told you, you're kind of an angry drunk?”

Ginny shrugs, her shoulders sharp and bird-like. “Neil probably did at some point. Though he doesn't get to talk, at Melanie Scott's Halloween party he did 6 jell-o shooters and punched a wall.”

Todd vaguely remembers that, it had been the gossip of the week a few years ago. Not so much because someone got drunk and punched a wall, which to be honest happened all the fucking time, but because it was _Neil_. He had actually fixed the wall himself if Todd's remembering correctly.

“Todd?” Ginny says, in such a way that Todd realizes she must have said it several times already. “Come on let's go find Charlie.” Ginny grabs him by the wrist and it's surprisingly strong for someone who weighs about 120 pounds soaking wet.

“You sure you don't want to talk to Chris?” Todd asks, letting himself be pulled back through the french doors.

“I can talk to her later, there's going to be a whole recap. Possibly with a slideshow if she has enough time to put one together.”

Letting Ginny guide him, Todd is pulled back through the labyrinthine hallways. Despite being at least a little intoxicated, she's doing a much better job of it than Todd was. “Here,” she says, stopping in front of a closed door and digging around in her purse for a moment before pulling out a keychain with one key dangling from it. It clicks in the lock and Ginny grins, pushing it open with her hip.

“Why do people keep giving you their keys? All you seem to do is abuse the privilege.”

“Who said anything about Charlie _giving_ me the key.” She grins before disappearing down the stairs. Todd follows, his eyes taking a second to adjust to the darkness and he walks down the stupidly short flight of stairs.

He can still hear the music and the occasional shouts from the party but it's dampened a lot, like being underwater. Todd's eyes adjust and he sees that he's not in a basement as normal people think of a basement, or even like Ginny's basement. Really he's in an apartment, with a real kitchen, not just a kitchenette, a living room and a few hallways branching off.

Todd whistles between his teeth. “Nice, huh?” Ginny says, running her fingers over the back of the couch. “Though I do feel sort of bad for him.”

“You feel bad for him because he lives in a kickass basement apartment?”

“I feel bad for him because his parents built him a basement apartment so they wouldn't have to spend as much time with him.”

Todd rolls his eyes. He's heard this one a million times, not just about Charlie but about every third kid in his school. Everyone's got a rich-kid sob story. Even Todd, if he thinks about it too much, which is something he avoids doing on principle. He also ignores the nagging in the back of his mind which reminds him that _his_ parents wanted him to move into the attic and installed a PA system so they wouldn't have to talk to him so much. But so what. Todd doesn't care that much, really the less time he has to spend with his parents the better, you don't see him crying over it.

Ginny calls out, “Charlie!?” Not shouting, but loudly. Then pauses. “Huh. He's definitely down here, his jacket is by the door.” She turns in a circle. “I'm going to check the bedroom.” She heads off down one of the two hallways.

“What am I supposed to do?” Todd whines, he would like to say that he didn't but he knows that he did.

“You could help look, knowing Charlie it's just as likely he's in the bathroom fixing his hair or something.”

Todd rolls his eyes and turns to walk down the other hallway. There are movie posters tacked up on the wall and he recognizes some of them from the classic movie nights Meeks has dragged him to on multiple occasions. He's never really been into it, movie aren't really his thing anyways. He'd rather read a book or watch television to be honest.

He knows he's kind of a dick about Charlie Dalton, and that if he were a better person he'd man up and get over it because Neil had seen something in Charlie worth being friends with. It's entirely possible that maybe Todd would even like him if he gave Charlie any sort of chance, because he did that with Ginny and Chris and he likes them. A lot actually. He sort of can't imagine not being friends with them now.

Todd is doing this, imagining, very generously that maybe, just maybe he should give Charlie a chance when he opens the first doorway in the hall. Maybe Todd's brain short-circuits a little as he opens the door and takes in the scene, because he stands in the doorway for what feels like much too long, mouth ajar and hands clenched, one into a fist and one around the doorknob. Though in Todd's defence, it's not every day that he walks in on Steven Meeks and Charlie Dalton making out in an empty bathtub.

“The fuck!?” He hears himself say and Meeks pulls away from Charlie like he's been burned. Charlie's not so quick though and his hands are still clutching the lapels of Meeks' jacket as he stares at Todd dumbly.

“Oh. Hi.” He says, at least having the decency to look embarrassed. “Can I, uh, help you?”

But Todd isn't looking at Charlie, he's glaring holes into Meeks’ head because last time he checked, Meeks hated Charlie Dalton. And normal people don't go around attempting to lick the tonsils of people they hate. Meeks, however, is doing a very good job of looking anywhere in the room but at Todd or Charlie and they're all frozen like that when Ginny stumbles upon them.

“Hey I found the-” She pauses. She looks at Charlie and Meeks in the bathtub, she looks at Todd, she looks back at Charlie and Meeks in the bathtub and then takes a step back putting her mostly in the hallway. “Uh, should I come back later?”

“Forget it. You got the CDs, let's go.” Todd says releasing his grip on the doorknob and shoving past Ginny, back up the fucking ridiculous short flight of stairs. He makes his way out of the house mostly on anger and instinct and it's not until he's out in the front yard that he lets himself exhale properly.

“God fucking dammit!” Todd snaps, scaring someone passed out behind a shrub, realizing that Ginny is not, as he had expected, behind him. He can feel his breathing getting sharp again as he lets his anger build back up. He hasn't been this angry in a long time, years maybe. Not since Jeffrey left for college for sure. And it's all Charlie Fucking Dalton's fault because he's a manipulative asshole who thinks that he can just take whatever he wants and doesn't care if he leaves other people in his wake.

“Todd!” Someone calls throwing the front door open and he's surprised because it's Meeks. “Hey are you okay? Sorry I know that was, uh, awkward.” He rubs the back of his neck.

“Awkward? No, not at all.” Todd says, all contained anger. “It was just a surprise, really, seeing the one person who I thought had enough brain cells to see through Charlie's fucking poor-little-rich boy act sticking his tongue down his throat.”

Meeks blinks, looking genuinely shocked and hurt. “Todd it's not like-”

“Not like what? Oh, sorry did I misunderstand? Or were you not just practically dry humping in a bathtub? What, did you meet in the center of the dance floor and have a moment? Because I really don't fucking get it Meeks. So please, tell me what it's like.” Somewhere in Todd's mind there's a screaming and a flashing red light telling him to just fucking _stop_ but his thoughts are like a train surging down a hill and he's not sure he can.

“Why are you so _angry_? It's not like you even care ever since you started this little connect the dots clue game. I am allowed to have a life too you know!” Meeks snaps throwing his hands up.

“Sure. Fine. Whatever. Do whatever the hell you want but don't expect me to be here when Charlie's done playing his game with you. I know you're lonely but this is just _pathetic_.”

And there it is. There's the line. Because Meeks' face goes so open, so shocked and so hurt for a split second before closing off completely, a vault slamming shut. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something before snapping it shut and turning on his heel, dress shoes snapping smartly on the pavement.

It takes Todd a second to notice Ginny standing off the side staring at him, arms clutched over her chest protectively. “Todd. I think you should leave.” She says, so quietly he almost doesn't hear her over the pounding _thump thump_ of music pouring out from the house.

“But what about the-”

Ginny holds out the CDs for him to take and he grabs them, studying the way the lights from the house illuminate the right side of her face, the rest left in shadow. Todd almost apologizes, which is ridiculous because he hasn't done anything wrong, not really anyway. He shouldn't have lost his temper and yelled at Meeks but everything he said is true and justified. It is. “I think you should just go, Todd.”

“Don't you need a ride home?”

“I'll just call my mom and stay over. It's fine really.”

“Are you sure?”

“Todd, just go.” Ginny says, irritation creeping into her voice. “I really hope you find what you're looking for. And I hope it's worth it.” She turns and walks back into the house, her shadow drifting behind her.

He doesn't even remember walking back to the car, but he finds himself in the driver's seat. Todd sighs, his head falling forward onto the rim of the steering wheel. Todd wants to cry, honestly cry, which he hasn't done since Jeffrey's dog died when he was 11. Not because he buys into that whole 'men don't cry' crap but because keeping himself at arm's distance from his feelings is easier. Because it stops him from having to feel like this. He wonders if that's how Neil felt, constantly feeling too much, caring too much, just _being_ too much. And for the first time Todd can't really fault him for leaving.

It takes him a while to get his breathing slowed and his heart rate down enough that it doesn't feel like it's going to beat out of it's chest. It takes Todd a good while longer to feel like he'll be able to drive, the anger having buzzed him more than a few gulps of whatever was in Ginny's cup. He thinks about sending Ginny a text, her number is in his phone from when she had entered it, hours ago now. He's not sure what he wants to tell her, maybe that he's sorry, maybe to watch out for Meeks and make sure Charlie doesn't pull anything, to make sure Knox doesn't do anything too stupid. Todd stares at the glowing screen of his phone, finally sighing and putting it back in his pocket, a thousand possible messages that never make it into reality.

Once he gets off Charlie's street, which has a smattering of teenagers in formal wear hanging around under the streetlights, it's entirely vacant and Todd's more than surprised when he turns into his driveway and the porch light is still on. “Shit,” He mutters under his breath, “Shit, shit, shit, shit.” His parents have never really cared much about curfew but of course this would be the one night they'd suddenly start caring about his whereabouts in the middle of the night.

But it's not his dad standing on the porch when he rolls up and stops the mini-van, it's Jeffrey in a faded Yale t-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms. Todd puts the van in park, not caring that his dad will yell at him for leaving it in the driveway.

“Jeff?” He turns, blinking blearily. “What are you doing?”

“Oh, uh.” Jeffrey shrugs and gestures at the ashtray and the lighter sitting on the window sill. “I was going to...”

“I thought you quit,” Todd says.

“Yeah, me too. It's just something about being home. I guess you know. I had a fight with dad because I'm going back to Connecticut for an internship at the state house in a few weeks. It's just...I dunno, I work so hard all the time to make them happy. I mean, don't get me wrong I love politics, I would have gone into it even if they hadn't wanted it but...” He trails off and sighs.

“You really got the worse end of the stick I don't even know what I'm complaining about really. God. Mariam'll be pissed, I really thought I had finally quit.” Jeff puts his head in his hands and Todd reaches out to touch him on the shoulder hesitantly.

“It's not your fault, you know,” Todd says.

“What isn't?” Jeffrey asks, face still in his palms.

“The way mom and dad are.” It's a sort of unspoken thing between them, how much their parents seem to adore Jeffrey and ignore him. They both know it's there, it would be impossible to pretend that it wasn't, but they never talk about it. It just makes things awkward for both of them. “I just, it's not like I want to talk about it or anything because it's fine, really it's fine, but I don't blame you or whatever and I can't let you blame yourself because that's dumb.”

“When did you get so smart?” Jeffrey says, swatting him affectionately.

“I'm really not.” Todd rests his hand on his chin.

Jeffrey pats him on the shoulder affectionately, knees cracking loudly as he stands. “Well you're smarter than I was at your age anyways. I'm going to hit the hay, you should probably do the same.”

“Yeah.” Todd says looking down at the CDs in his hands before following Jeffrey into the house. It's torture trying to fall asleep, the things he yelled at Meeks replaying in his mind, the look Ginny gave him floating to the surface every time he closes his eyes. Finally he turns his lamp on and tries to clear his mind while he stares at the rafters. Eventually he gives up, climbs out of bed, plugs his headphones into his laptop and drowns out his thoughts with Mumford and Sons.

 

ix.

Todd wakes up with the impression of a keyboard on his face and an entire text document filled with gibberish. He's listened to the two CDs four or five times each, it got a bit fuzzy after that, but so far he hasn't discovered any hidden messages in the lyrics.

It all feels wrong. Not enough like Neil, despite the fact that Neil has used other people's words to talk to him. This feels different. He'd browsed online message boards trying to find hidden meaning behind the songs but none of them had made any sense. Neil had made these clues for him, but what if Todd doesn't know what Neil thinks he knows. His stomach twists up every time he thinks of this, so he pushes it to the dark corner of his mind. The one reserved for Jodi Piccoult novels and crocs.

Todd sits up blinking, a puddle of drooling having formed overnight on the keyboard where his cheek had rested. It takes him a moment to realize what had woken him. His phone is ringing, playing a very tinny version of “I Knew You Were Trouble” that Knox had assigned to himself on Todd's phone. Though Todd still isn't sure if he was being ironic or if he genuinely enjoyed the song.

“Hullo?”

“Shhhhhhh...” Knox says on the other side of the phone. “Quietly, quiet now,” his voice a croak.

“On a scale of one to ten-”

“Twelve,” Knox says cutting him off. “My hangover has a hangover.”

“Well that must really suck for you.”

“Tooooooddd,” Knox whines. “Don't be a jerk. I can't drive home like this.”

“And what does this have to do with me?”

“C'mon, please? I'll owe you one. A huge one.”

The thought of having to go back to Charlie's house makes Todd's stomach turn unpleasantly but he knows he'll go. He's already on the outs with two of his three friends, he doesn't need all of them upset with him.

Knox is, thankfully, waiting at the end of the driveway when Todd shows up, supported by an altogether too chipper looking Chris. “Hiya!” She says climbing into the backseat of the van, her hair valiantly attempting to say in it's elegant updo. “Thanks for coming to get us. I would have driven but Knox's car has a stick shift.”

“How're you not hungover?” Todd asks.

Chris shrugs her shoulders. “You eat before you start drinking and then lots of water before you go to sleep. Works every time.”

Knox slurs something involving the words 'thanks' and 'pancakes' following Chris into the backseat. Todd doesn't like it, it makes him feel like a chauffeur, but he doesn't say anything about it, choosing instead to drive in silence to Chris' house. “Thanks again.” she says hopping out of the van, her heels making a cute little clicking noise as they hit the driveway. She stands outside waving and blowing a kiss for Knox as they drive away.

“My girlfriend is the bestest,” Knox half sighs, half slurs. “She drank me the under the table, I am so lucky.”

“It really says something about the people I choose to associate with that you're not the weirdest,” Todd says, pulling into Knox's crazy driveway. When he pulls up to the house, Knox's mom is outside wearing a ridiculously large sunhat and gardening while Knox's little sisters draw with chalk on the walkway leading to the house.

Todd gets out to help Knox, who looks like he's about to hit the pavement if he's not supported. “Knox!” His sister shrieks, coming over to hug him around the legs, fingers covered in chalk leaving marks on his dress pants.

“Hey Molly,” Knox says gritting his teeth.  “I've got a bit of a headache, could you maybe try using your quiet voice?”

“Oh,” Molly says and then in an exaggerated stage whisper, “ _Hi Knox_.”

“Hi sweetheart,” Dr. Overstreet says coming over to Knox, his other sister Clare planted on her hip. She's dressed in overalls and a big floppy sunhat. “Looks like you a had a little too much _fun_ last night at your party. Did Christine get home okay?”

“Yeah, Todd dropped her off. And it's just Chris, mom.”

“Yes, of course.” She reaches over and pats Todd on the arm, which surprises him. “Thank you for helping Knox get home, Todd. I really appreciate it.”

“Yeah, no problem Dr. Overstreet.” Todd says feeling his face flush.

“Knox told me you're headed off to Columbia next year. We're all so proud of you, sweetheart.” Dr. Overstreet smiles at him. She doesn't look that much like Knox, her hair is darker and wavy and she has a very oval face, but they have the same sort of smile. The kind that shows in their eyes long after it leaves their lips. “Do you boys want breakfast?”

“Pamcakes!” Clare says, clapping her chubby toddler hands together. “Pamcakes!” Molly joins in while Knox grimaces.  

“I'm good, I think I'm just going to lie down for a bit.” He attempts to walk toward the house with Molly wrapped around his legs like a human anchor.

“You'll have to go back to the Dalton's and pick up the car later, so don't sleep all day!” Dr. Overstreet calls after him. “How about you, Todd? Would you like some breakfast?”

“Uh-” A small part of him wants to say yes, to stay for a little while instead of going home and locking himself into his room, but he's already shaking his head. “No thanks. I appreciate the offer but I'd better get home.”

“Alright. Well, you know you're always welcome here.” She smiles at him, a little bit sadly. “Say bye-bye to Todd, Clare.”

“Bye!” Clare says one chubby little hand waving enthusiastically, the fingers of the other stuck in her mouth.

On the drive back he plays with the radio dial, hating the sound of silence, too much room for his thoughts about what happened last night. Everything he said to Meeks is already settling like molten lead in the pit of his stomach. The radio blares on, the same station he had listened to with Neil that morning. The feeling in his stomach hardens and he jabs at the button cutting off the music but the feeling remains.

That afternoon, back in his room morning sun shines in patterns through the leaves outside and onto the floor of the attic. It reminds Todd of the paper snowflakes he used to make as a kid, carefully cutting and folding.

He's solved it, he's solved and and he's nowhere near closer to finding Neil and it's all his own fault.

The song, it had been one of the songs, not the lyrics as he had thought before but simply the name of the song; The Cave.  

They had been nine and enrolled in golf lessons at the Country Club on Saturday mornings, neither Neil nor Todd were particularly adept at golf. Todd's father thought it was important for a young man to play golf, Neil's father knew that golf was the sport of successful men. So off they went every Saturday to Brooklea Golf & Country Club, spending most of their time pretending that they were searching for lost balls as an excuse to wander off and explore.

That's how they had found it, off by the ninth hole mostly hidden by some shrubbery, The Old Indian Cave. Well, that's what Neil had called it anyways, which had been racist but the name had stuck. As far as caves went it wasn't particularly special, but the fact that they had found it together, that it had been _theirs_ was much more important than the physical cavern.

Todd wants to slap himself for taking so long to figure it out, the clue literally glaring him in the face. Though he also wants to slap himself a little bit because it's not particularly easy to go sneaking around on a golf course looking for clues in a secret cave and the one person who could get him out there isn't talking to him. Or at least, Todd is going to go out on a limb and assume Meeks isn't talking to him.

He paces his room, the light changing from morning to afternoon, listening to the song a few times and googling the country club. There's an alternative solution of course, he could pay to go golfing, or he could try and go with his dad one day, but there's the glaring flaws of those plans involving money he doesn't have and spending time with people he doesn't like. The ideas swirl around in his head but he keep coming to the same conclusion. He needs Meeks, Meeks is mad at him, he has to apologize, Todd doesn't want to apologize. A equals B equals C equals D.

Todd flops down in his desk chair and stares moodily at facebook. He clicks over to Meeks' profile. Luckily he hasn't changed his relationship status, but there's at least a dozen photos from prom that he's been tagged in, and most of them seem to feature him and Charlie in various levels of physical contact. Todd rolls his eyes but he messages him anyways.

_Todd Anderson: I know you're mad at me but I need your help, it's about Neil._

_Todd Anderson: please?_

_Todd Anderson: Just call me or whatever._

He waits for ten minutes and nothing. Which isn't abnormal, but he gets the distinct impression that he's being ignored. Though that's arguably just in his mind. Todd stands, stretching, needing to get out of his room or maybe just to get out of his head. He wanders downstairs to the kitchen, his mother sitting at the table reading a cookbook. She doesn't cook, but she loves to think about it, constantly planning menus and writing grocery lists for food that will never be cooked.

“Hello, dear,” she says, not really looking up. Todd wonders if she thinks he's Jeffrey. That's usually the only time she mistakes them, when she's not really looking. He riffles aimlessly through the cupboards before giving up and heading back to his room.

Meeks still hasn't replied.

It's not that Todd doesn't feel bad for what he said, because he knows it was sort of awful, it's just that Meeks of all people should know better. Besides even if it wasn't Charlie Dalton, even if Meeks had decided to make out in a bathtub with someone Todd didn't hate, it's not like it would be a good idea, getting involved with someone this close to graduation. Meeks is going to MIT, he’s going places. Charlie Dalton will probably flunk out of whatever Ivy League school his daddy has bribed to take him, within a year.

Todd spends the rest of the day half-heartedly trying to read Moby Dick for his English final and refreshing facebook every five minutes. Knox posts a weird message on his wall after dinner that says:

_Knox Overstreet: whoa idk why you so great you so angry wha?_

Todd closes facebook after that.

Sunday passes slowly and painfully. Todd considers going to Brooklea anyway and trying to get to the cave but he doesn't want to go in broad daylight. He manages to slog through the rest of Moby Dick, Spoiler Warning: they don't catch the whale, and he even brainstorms some essay topic ideas. They're all terrible. Usually he'd do this sort of thing with Meeks, but that's out of the question for obvious reasons.

Ginny sends him 3 text messages on Sunday. They read as follows:

_u apologized yet?_

_To SM I mean_

_or me too even_

Todd drafts seven different replies. He sends none of them.

It's worse Monday morning. Todd picks up Knox like he always does, and Knox is at least 16% more coherent than he was the last time he saw him. Which, great for the clarity of his vocabulary, and not so great when that clarity is turned on Todd.

“You said _what_ to Meeks!?” Knox screeches. “Jesus Christ, Todd, what the hell!”

Knox had obviously already heard about what happened at after-prom through a variety of sources but he had demanded to hear Todd's side of things the second he got into the van. “That's really terrible. You need to apologize. Like right now.”

Todd tightens his grip on the steering wheel. “I tried, he won't respond to my messages.”

“Then try harder,” Knox says, which pisses Todd off but he doesn't respond, choosing to channel his energy into cursing at the BMW that cut him off.

“You don't even like Charlie! Do you honestly think Meeks should be dating Charlie?”

“This isn't Fiddler on the Roof, you don't get to pick who he ends up with. Meeks is smart. Like if we were a boyband, he'd be the smart one.”

“First of all,” Todd says, “You've clearly never seen Fiddler on the Roof, because none of the daughters get matched up. They fall in love with people on their own. And secondly, smart people can make mistakes too.”

Knox sighs and looks at Todd like he feels bad for him.

“What!?” Todd snaps.

“Are you sure what happened was about Meeks and Charlie and not you and Neil? I mean, not to go all psychoanalytical on you, but it sort of feels like you're projecting,” Knox says, cautiously.

Todd turns too sharply into the student parking lot and they both jerk to the right. “How is that- that's not even the poin- you know what, fuck this.” Todd yanks the keys out of the ignition, unbuckling himself and practically throwing himself out of the van before Knox can react.

Everyone's still bubbly and gossiping from prom, and it's all the better for Todd to keep his head down. He considers skipping philosophy because Meeks and Charlie will be there, but his exam is in two days so he can't really afford to miss the review/lecture Hagar has dreamed up. He sits so Charlie and Meeks are behind him and to the left, but occasionally he can hear snippets of them talking, whispering over the lecture, and Todd takes deep breaths and swears to himself he won't turn around.

In history class Chris comes up to his desk, eyes big and doe-like. For a moment he thinks she's going to chew him out, since that seems to be a reoccurring theme in his life lately. But instead she puts her hand over his and says, “Todd, if you need anything I'm here for you, okay? We're all just really worried and want to make sure you're okay.” She pats his hand once before going off to sit with Knox, the heels on her shoes hitting the tiled floors purposefully.

For a brief, terrifying moment Todd thinks he might cry, like not in a sobbing breakdown sort of way, more in a Leonardo DiCaprio one-single-tear-of-manly-emotion kind of way. Cameron, however, chooses that moment to lean _way_ too far into Todd's personal space, effectively ruining the moment.

“You hear about Meeks and Dalton?” Cameron says, attempting to whisper and failing.

Todd just rolls his eyes, “Heard you throwing up in a bush at after-prom.”

Cameron's eyes widen and then narrow. “Fine, whatever,” he snaps.

Todd wonders how long and how hard he would have to bang his head on the desk to knock himself unconscious. He just needs to get Meeks alone and apologize, and get everyone off his case and find the next clue and find Neil and just _fix things_.

When the bell rings Todd's up and out of the room before his teacher has even finished wishing them good luck studying. He swings by the bio lab hoping to find Meeks, and instead runs smack dab into Charlie Dalton who is leaning up against a locker wearing salmon coloured corduroys, a cardigan that looks at least 4 sizes too big, a t-shirt that says 'though I be but little, I am fierce' and a navy blue beret. Honestly it's all a bit tame for Charlie.

“Look, I know you probably want to talk to Steven and you totally should,” he says, taking a step toward Todd, hands out in the universal sign for 'I don't want any trouble'. “But before you do let me explain to you a thing.”

“Oh dear god,” Todd says.

 

x.

For a brief moment, Todd considers bolting. It's not like Charlie could catch him if he ran, Todd's legs are way longer than his and Charlie Dalton has never really struck him as a running person anyways. No one who wears a sweater in June is going to attempt any more physical activity than what is absolutely required. But Todd shrugs his shoulders vaguely, in an 'I'm listening' sort of way and stares at Charlie who shakes his head.

“No, no. Not here. Come on let's go to the courtyard.” He turns on his heel and Todd follows, keeping enough distance between himself and Charlie that, to the casual observer, it probably doesn't even seem like they’re walking together at all.

The sun is blazing brightly in the courtyard and Todd squints, wishing he had his sunglasses. Because he's an ass, Charlie pulls out a pair of ridiculous sunglasses with perfectly circular lenses that Todd can't help associate with bongos and pretentious interpretations of On the Road.

Charlie flops down on one of the picnic tables in the courtyard and gestures for Todd to sit opposite him. Most people are still at their lockers or in the lunch line, so there isn't anyone there but them. “I used to hate you. Did you know that?” Charlie says, nonchalantly, biting the side of his thumb and then inspecting it. “I mean for like the first three months of middle school you were literally all Neil could talk about, Todd this and Todd that. He missed you so badly all the time, and it was like I was just this no-name brand substitute that wasn't what he wanted but at least I sort of filled the void.”

“And then I met you, do you remember that? You're this shy kid who barely says two words, but Neil's acting like you single-handedly put every single star in the sky and it fucking drove me crazy.”

Todd vaguely remembers the first time they had met. It was at one of Neil's birthday parties, and Charlie had been practically elbowing him out of the way so he could sit next to Neil, give Neil his present first, making sure he was always in his line of vision. As if the moment Neil looked away, Charlie would stop existing. Todd can understand that, it's like a zen riddle; if Todd Anderson exists but Neil Perry is not there to witness it, does he exist at all? For a startling, slightly terrifying moment, Todd wonders if Charlie feels the same way about Neil. That this is all leading up to some confession that he's in love with Neil, and the thing with Meeks was just a fluke.

Charlie must see the terror on Todd's face because he immediately holds his hands up and shakes his head. “I mean, don't get me wrong, I've never felt that way about Neil, but he's always had that, you know...presence. Like you just want to do things for him, make him happy, make him proud of you.” Charlie laughs, it's almost sarcastic. “I hated your guts because it was like you didn't even have to _try_. I mean that's not an excuse and I'm not saying it is but I was young and stupid and none of that was fair to you.”

There's a group of freshman girls sitting at another one of the picnic tables now, and Todd can't help but stare at them while Charlie talks. It's easier somehow to listen if he doesn't have to actually look at Charlie. The way you would look away from the needle while giving blood, because if you don't look it's almost like it's not entirely real.

Charlie sighs.“And then _Steven_ , who I've had this _thing_ for since I was 12 and I didn't even know what it was at the time but I just wanted him to notice me, but not in the same way I wanted Neil to notice me, and it was all just insanely confusing. Our parents are friends, Steven's and mine, and we were always at all these dinners and parties together for years and years and he just didn't want anything to do with me no matter what I did. But you two did one group project together in ninth grade and suddenly you're thick as thieves! I mean, you can see where I'm going here, right? I just felt like no matter where I went, I was stuck in your fucking shadow, which again isn't your fault, but I'm admittedly kind of a selfish douchebag.”

Todd's head snaps back, his eyebrows raising. “What?”

“I guess what I'm trying to get at here,” he makes a circle in the air with his hand, “in a very roundabout way is that I agree with you.”

“...What?” Todd says again after a very long pause, because seriously, what the hell just happened?

Charlie tilts his head. “I agree with you. I mean not about Steven being pathetic, because that's a fucking lie and we both know it, but about everything else. Me not being good enough. I'm not. Not for Steven and not for Neil either. But I am selfish, and if those people give me chances I will take them, and I will hold on for as long as they'll let me.”

Todd blinks. He opens his mouth. He closes it. He blinks again. “Wait...sorry but-what?”

Charlie tilts his head, “I can't tell if you're mocking me.”

Todd frowns. “I literally have no idea what your point is here.”

“I am kind of a dick.”

“And...?”

“And I know that I'm kind of a dick, but I _really_ like Steven and I want to at least try and see if there's something there. That's what I'm trying to say here. And also I'm sorry that I've been such an ass to you because you didn't deserve any of that.” Charlie takes a deep breath and adjusts his beret. “But you do have to apologize to Steven, because seriously you're beating me in the being an asshole category.”

“We don't have to pretend to be friends, do we? Because I still kind of really don't like you and I can't stop you from dating my friend, but I don't have to like it.”

“It's not Fiddler on the Roof, we don't need your blessing. But you and Steven are friends and he misses you, so suck it up and say you're sorry.”

“What is the sudden obsession with Fiddler on the Roof?” Todd mutters and then concedes defeat. “Fine, I'll let you guys figure out what the hell you're doing, but I swear if you hurt him I will burn all your hats and shave your head.”

Charlie ponders this. “Okay. Sounds fair.” He extends a hand to Todd, who rolls his eyes but shakes it. “See, I'm not such a bad guy after all.”

“I still don't like you.” Todd says standing up.

Charlie shrugs, “That's okay.”

“And you have horrible fashion sense,” Todd says before turning and walking back into the hallway.

“Debatable!” Charlie calls after him, smiling that stupid smug grin that Todd doesn't even have to turn around to know is there.

The halls are deserted as he makes his way to the cafeteria, the occasional echo of someone's feet on the tile or whispers of conversation. He catches sight of Ginny sitting with Knox and Chris and he wants to wave at her, but he remembers the text messages and his stomach sinks. Meeks is sitting with Gerard and some guy Todd can never remember the name of. Sam, maybe? Or Skippy or Skip or something?

They're all laughing at something Gerard said when he walks up. Meeks has his back to Todd, which is good because Todd is able to sit down before Meeks notices him.

“Hey,” Todd says. “Um, I really need to apologize to you.”

Meeks doesn't turn to look at him but his body language screams his discomfort, shoulders tensing painfully. “I don't really want to talk to you right now, Todd,” he says tersely.

“Steven,” Gerard says, “Remember what we were talking about earlier? About feelings? This might be a good way to get some things you need to say into the open.”

Meeks rolls his eyes, but Gerard just pats his hand and turns to look at Todd. “I think it will be good for you.”

“You've been spending too much time with Knox,” Meeks mutters.

Gerard is unperturbed by this lack of enthusiasm, and shoves a red plastic fork into Meeks' hands. “Okay, so this is the talking fork, and you can only talk when you have it in your hands. Be sure to make lots of statements about how events made you _feel_ and to use 'I' statements.”

“ _I feel_ that this exercise is ridiculous,” Meeks says.

“Good,” Gerard coos. “Now Todd, while Steven is talking you need to be listening and really _understanding_ what he is saying. Alright?”

“Is this really necessary-” But Gerard is shushing him and leaning into Meeks, who glares at him for a second before rolling his eyes and sighing.

“Fine, fine. Uh, okay, I _feel,_ ” Gerard nods enthusiastically, “Like Todd was a total asshole to me and that it's really none of his goddamn business whose mouth I want to put my tongue into.”

Todd opens his mouth, but Gerard waves a hand in his face. “You don't have the talking fork.”

“This is cultural misappropriation,” Todd mutters and is firmly shushed.

Meeks won't even look at him, eyes planted firmly on the fake wood grain of the cafeteria table. “And I feel like you think you can just ignore me for your Neil problems, but then when I do something you don't like suddenly it's like _I'm_ the one who's being a bad friend for having the audacity to like someone you don't like. I mean, honestly, I could have been dating Charlie for the last 3 months and I don't think you would have noticed because if it doesn't involve Neil Perry you don't give half a fuck!”

His voice raises and a group of dorky sophomores the next table over turn to look in surprise. “I'm not just going to be your nerdy friend sidekick anymore. I am sick of you forgetting about me and I'm sick of you calling me by my last name. My name is Steven, okay? I am not pathetic and unless you want to take this stupid talking fork and tell me you're sorry and that I'm right, you can just leave.”  

Gerard has this look on his face like he's stepped on a nail and he reaches out for Meeks' arm. “Steven, hey man-”

“It's okay.” He says looking at the table again, as if their are answers written there and not just 'call 705 674 3909 for a good time.’ “Really, that was probably good, for like my mental health or whatever.” He huffs out a laugh that sounds more like a cough and pushes the talking fork towards Todd.

“I don't like Charlie Dalton,” Todd says, holding the fork. “I think that you're out of his league and I'm worried that he'll hurt you. But you're right, everything I said to you at after-prom was uncalled for and I don't get to have a say on your love life. You're right, and I'm sorry. And I also think you should know that before I came here to tell you how much I am sorry I had a heart to heart with your boyfriend-”

“He's not my boyfriend.”

“-And I just want to make things right so we can be friends again.” Todd takes a deep breath. He's not used to talking so much, and he feels like he's running out of words, like a torrential rainstorm slowing to a trickle but he has to get one last thing out first. “Steven, I am so, so sorry for how I've treated you and what I said to you at after-prom. You are the smartest, most capable person I know, and even if I don't trust Charlie I trust you.”

Meeks- Steven looks up at him over the rims of his glasses. “Okay,” he says simply.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The kid named Skippy or Sam or whatever looks back and forth between the two of them. “That was the most intense thing I have seen in a long time.” He stares at Todd. “And I have literally never heard you say more than 2 sentences at a time.”

“Oh my god,” Steven says, “Gerard don't cry.”

“I can't help it.” he says. “Friendship is so beautiful.”

Steven puts  his hand on Gerard's shoulder. “What a softie. This is why I won't watch Monster's University with you.”

“A real man isn't afraid to show his emotions,” Gerard says, wiping his eyes.

“Yeah, okay but a real man also knows that he needs to cry at a volume level that will not scare small children.”

Gerard shrugs again. “I think we have learned today that sharing our emotions can lead to great things.”

Steven rolls his eyes and grins at over at Todd, and it's like the last four days just melt away between them and Todd feels like he can properly breathe again. Like someone had a knee in his chest pinning him down and it's lifted.

“So,” Steven says pulling a pen out from behind his ear and flipping open a notebook. “You said you needed me to help you find Neil?”

Todd pauses, not sure how to phrase it. “On a scale from 1 to 10 how cool would you say you are with breaking and entering?

 

xi.

By the end of the day they've formed a fairly tentative plan and Todd is starting to remember what a truly excellent schemer Steven Meeks is. All through math class he's getting texts about timing and security cameras and a pdf with what he thinks might actually be the blueprints for the golf course.

He's pondering how in the world Steven even _got_ his hands on those when he, quite literally, almost walks straight into Ginny who is leaning up against a bank of lockers across from his math classroom. She doesn't look angry exactly, which is a good sign, but she has an expression on her face that he can't quite place.

“Hey,” Todd says, some relief dripping into his voice without permission.

“Hey,” Ginny says, one arm cross over her chest, the other dangling, fingers worrying the hem of her shirt. “So I was talking to Gerard earlier and he said that I should give you a break because you have a lot of feelings, really intense beautiful emotions according to him, but you're not always the best at expressing them. Something to do with a traumatic event in your childhood and a fear of rejection. Or at least that’s what Knox says.”

“Um,” Todd says.

“See, his point exactly. So basically what I'm saying is that what you did at after-prom was really uncool but I understand that you were really upset and that I forgive you and I want to help you find Neil.”

“Oh. Well, good. And I am really sorry, for freaking out and leaving you there,” Todd says, much less eloquently than he would have liked to be. Ginny hugs him then, so sudden he thinks that she probably hadn't planned it ahead of time. The top of her head barely comes up to his collarbones and Todd puts on hand on her back awkwardly. He's never been great with physical affection, but it's...nice.

“Okay,” Ginny says pulling away, her eyes a little more moist than usual. “Okay, great. So what's the plan?”

Todd fills her in while they walk to his locker. As far as plans go it's not that complicated. The real issue with getting to the cave is that they need to get onto the course after hours. Which doesn't seem like a huge deal considering it's not like golf courses usually have strict security measures but Brooklea has a bit of an obsession with keeping people out. Todd's pretty sure it's a side effect of the whole upper class white privilege thing, but mostly it's just inconvenient. He knows at least four people who have been arrested for sneaking onto the course. It's a stupid thing, but people get dared to do it all the time, like the harder they try to keep people out the more they want to get in.

“Okay so what, Steven's gonna get us in?” Ginny asks, pushing the door that leads out to the student parking lot.

“Kinda. Mostly I just need to know where all the security cameras are and where they point so I can figure out how to get to the cave without getting spotted.” He had filled Ginny in on the importance of the cave, though he had maybe downplayed it a little bit, making it sound more like a place they found once rather than their childhood hide-out. It doesn't feel like lying so much as it feels like he's protecting something. Some idea he has of him and Neil that can only exist if he keeps his memory perfectly preserved.

Ginny is practically bouncing with excitement. “Okay, this just got _very_ Mission Impossible. Please tell me I get to distract a guard with my feminine wiles. Actually, no, Charlie's better at that sort of thing. Can I pepper spray someone at least? No, wait! Can I wear a cat suit?”

Todd just rolls his eyes and unlocks the van. Ginny climbs in without invitation and Todd likes that apparently they've reached a new milestone in their friendship. One that seems to gets unlocked after you have your first fight and make up. “I feel like I should be a little bit concerned about how much you like breaking into things.”

Ginny shrugs, the grey seatbelt obstructing the movement somewhat. “Me and Neil used to do stuff like that all the time. I think for him it was a bit philosophical, you know, like we're so obsessed with putting up barriers and he wanted to break them down. To go places just because someone didn't want you there. For me, I guess it was more just for a lark.” She hums, thinking about this. “And I liked the way Neil got about it. I mean, he always just gave off this air of confidence. I can't even tell you how many places Neil walked into because he just acted like he was supposed to be there. That's how he ended up in the mall overnight.”

Todd's heard the story. Sort of. He's heard the rumours at least, that Neil managed to get locked into the mall overnight last year. Having climbed onto the roof with Neil for a benevolent prank, Todd believes it now, but he'd never been sure before. He nods though, like this had always been his truth.

“Anyways, I dunno. It's just fun.” Ginny has her head against the glass of the window, rolled down only an inch so that some of her voice seems to sneak out of it.

They don't talk for the rest of the drive to Steven's house, a low sprawling thing that seems like it belongs in California and not Vermont. Mr. Meeks has always been kind of obsessed with green-energy, so there's the familiar film-strip of solar panels along the sides of the driveway as well as on the roof. The neighbours threw a fit when they were installed, claiming that it would ruin property values and attract all sorts of crunchy granola types. This prophecy has yet to come through.

Charlie is already there, if his car in the driveway is anything to go by. Todd hates his car. An actual hearse that Charlie has repainted in a bright aqua that makes him think of bad high school movies set in the early 60's. Todd manages to make his exasperated sigh sound more like a yawn but Ginny catches it anyways and raises an eyebrow. “No complaining. You ruined their date night.”

“Date night?” Todd asks

“They were going to go see that stupid Purge movie, you know with that one actor...omigod what's his name. Evan? Ethan?” She snaps her fingers. “I can see his face perfect in my mind. He's all sort of homeless looking in real life. Blond.”

Todd shrugs. He's never been particularly good with the names and life details of famous people; he can barely remember the names of people he goes to school with on the best of days.

Ginny throws her hands up. “I'll remember in the middle of class tomorrow or something. I hate that.”

Meeks' cat is lying on the walkway up to the door, and Ginny crouches down to pet his stomach. “Who's a good kitty?” She says, only she doesn't do it in that high pitched voice people usually use, she says it very seriously. “What's his name?” Ginny says scratching him behind the ears.

“Leonardo DiCatprio.” Todd says.

Ginny stops petting the cat to look up at him. “For serious?”

Steven opens the front door. “Are you mocking my cat?”

“Leonardo DiCatprio?”

“Blame Charlie, he named him.”

“When did you get this cat, yesterday?”

Steven adjusts his glasses. “Our parents are friends, he used to come over all the time. _Well_ when I say friends I mean mortal enemies who are in the same book club. His name was just supposed to be Leo but then Charlie came up with Leonardo DiCatprio and it kind of stuck.”

“He does kind of look like Leonardo DiCaprio”

Charlie appears beside him. “My ears are burning.” He's ditched the insanely oversized cardigan and his beret.

“Leonardo!” He crouches down and the cat jumps up from where he's lying at Ginny's feet and slinks over to Charlie, who scoops him into his arms. Leonardo purrs, rubbing his face against Charlie's shirt, who seems to be rather nonchalant about the cat hair.

“Time for secret spy stuff?” Ginny asks, brushing off her knees.

They follow Steven into the house which is all warm wood and light. Todd can hear the distinct low tone of Meeks' dad on the phone in his office. They end up in the kitchen where Steven has spread out actual fucking blueprints of the golf course on the low island.

“How did you get these!?” Ginny says fingering the edge of the paper. “Omigod, is this the moment when you tell us you're a secret agent? Possibly from the future. Possibly an alien. _Possibly_ an alien from the future.”

“My boyfriend is not an alien,” Charlie protests and then pauses, turning to Meeks. “You would tell me if you were an alien right?”

Meeks doesn't even look up from the blueprints. “Not your boyfriend. Not an alien. Not from the future.” He visibly hesitates, then looks up. “But even if I was an alien from the future, it's not like I would _tell_ you.” Ginny elbows Charlie, and they have a brief nonverbal conversation with facial expressions that Todd doesn't follow, and going by the look on Meeks' face he doesn't follow either.

“Alright. Anyways, I got the blueprints from my dad. He did a job on the course a few years ago and he left the pdf on the desktop.” Steven's dad works as a consultant for an architecture firm, mostly with green building initiatives, solar panels, energy efficient insulation and windows, things like that. “Okay so I've marked where all the security cameras are.” He points to the red circles drawn on the blueprints in what looks suspiciously like crayon. “I wasn't quite sure where the cave was. You said it was near the ninth hole, right?”

Todd takes the blue crayon offered to him. “It's over here.” He circles an area. “I'm pretty sure at least.”

Steven nods, brow furrowing in concentration. “Okay, we should be able to figure out a path from the parking lot to there without you being spotted by the cameras. Theoretically.”

“Theoretically?” Todd says. “Yeah, not to sound petty or anything, but I could _theoretically_ get arrested.”

“Don't worry, we have a back-up plan in case all goes to hell,” Steven says, not looking up from where he's drawing a path on the blueprints. He stops, tongue sticking out from between his teeth, and quickly erases. “But, like, I'm sure it will be fine. Probably.”

Ginny's hopped up onto one of the low counters, her bare legs dangling. “So what's the back-up plan?

Steven and Charlie exchange looks again, but this one is easy to read. “Really?” Todd asks, exasperated.

Charlie grins and it's a bit freaky how excited he looks,“Aww, don't sound so glum. Your life in my hands? What could possibly go wrong?”

Four hours later Todd is sitting in the backseat of an aqua hearse with Ginny beside him, seriously questioning the direction his life has started to take. Two weeks ago he never would have thought he'd be planning to sneak onto a golf course in order to find a clue in some sort of teen runaway scavenger hunt. For crying out loud, two weeks ago he wasn't even friends with Ginny and he thought Charlie Dalton was one of the worst things in the world, right up there with Fox News. Now he'd probably rank him closer to movies with incorrect subtitles, no-fat sour cream, and paper cuts. Annoying, but not life-destroying.

Though if he has to listen to Charlie's weird music in his death car for one more minute, he might strangle him to death.

“Do we have to listen to this?” Todd says, knowing he's whining and not really caring. He's been sitting in this car for almost an hour and a half, running the plan over and over in his head, but now he's just getting antsy. “Like what even is this?”

“It's the Vitamin String Quartet's Tribute to Lady Gaga,” Charlie says without any hint of irony.

“How are you even real? Did you walk out of an episode of Girls?”

“Boys,” Ginny says, looking up from Cosmopolitan. “Play nice.”

“He started it,” Charlie huffs, but he reaches over and turns off the CD, so it's something.

Todd checks his watch again. They figured it will take him about 20 minutes to walk from the side parking lot to the Indian Cave, taking the route Meeks figured taking the security cameras into account. Todd's got a small paper map of the course in the pocket of his jeans, and he keeps reaching into his pocket just to make sure it's still there. It's oddly comforting in the face of the insanity that is their current situation.

Charlie's cell phone vibrates loudly on the dashboard, and he picks it up and stares at it intently for a moment. “Okay, Steven says everything should be good to go in about 10 minutes.” They need everyone to be cleared out of the restaurant so no one sees him through the windows, but there still need to be employees in the building so Charlie's car isn't the only one in the lot.

The fact that his car is so recognizable is a double edged sword. On the one hand, most people know that the Dalton's have club memberships, and since Charlie and Steven have a...thing, it's not like it's that weird for him to be there. On the other hand, if the plan goes to hell, there will be even more evidence pointing to Charlie.

That's their backup plan in a nutshell. If it looks like Todd is going to get caught, Charlie is going to cause a distraction and throw himself on his metaphorical sword.

“Charlie,” Todd asks, suddenly thinking of something he'd forgotten. “If we have to go to plan B, won't that screw up your college plans? You could get arrested.” He remembers that not having a criminal record was one of the requirements for his acceptance to Columbia.

Charlie drums on the steering wheel for a long moment before he answers. “Uh, probably not. But maybe. I mean, I don't have a criminal record or anything, plus the club probably won't press charges ’cause of my parents or whatever.” He doesn't try to make this sound nonchalant, which Todd appreciates. Charlie's family may be disgustingly rich, but at least he's aware of it and doesn't try to play off like he's upper middle class. He owns up to his privilege. “So, I'm thinking if I get caught, I'm looking at a warning. Or at least let's hope so. I mean, I want to help find Neil, I really do. But I'd rather not fuck up my acceptance.”

“Oh,” Todd says, feeling a little bad for dragging everyone into this with him. He knows that they'd say they want to help and he knows that it's true but he really doesn't want everyone to get sucked into Neil's gravity if they don't have to.

Ginny looks up from her magazine. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure Harvard would dump your ass faster than you can say 'Ivy League' if you get arrested.”

“ _Harvard?_ You're risking getting kicked out of Harvard?” Todd says, incredulous. It's not like he worships at the altar of Ivy League schools, but he knows the insane leg up it can give you. Jeffrey probably wouldn't have gotten that internship, as hardworking and smart as he is, if he didn't have the whole Yale thing going for him.

Charlie doesn't seem phased by this. “I really only applied because Neil's dad was forcing him to and I thought we could at least suffer together. I didn't actually think I was going to get in. My dad probably made a 'donation' to the English department.”

Ginny closes her magazine and puts it on the seat. “Oh stop. You're a genius and you know it. Stop playing humble, it's annoying as hell.”

“I'm not-”

“Oh, what was that Charlie? I couldn't hear you over your insanely high GPA.”

“Yeah, okay. Let's pretend the Harvard lottery isn't a thing. That's cool. I'm totally amazing and it was all my own merit and it wasn't possibly my family's money or me just getting really lucky.”

Ginny looks over pointedly at Todd like 'Can you believe this kid?'

“Wait,” Todd says. “Meeks, er, I mean, Steven is going to MIT. Isn't that like right over the bridge?”

“Oh he _knows,_ ” Ginny says.

“Shut up, Gin. I swear to god.”

“Oh come on. I'm just teasing. I know you didn't just accept at Harvard because the guy you had a crush on and are currently kind of sort of dating will be close to you. I'm just saying I know you thought about it.”

Steven Meeks, being a lot of things but not great with timing, of course chooses that moment to call Charlie's cell phone. Glad for the distraction, or possibly just startled, Charlie lunges for it, putting it up to his ear before the first ring has even ended.

“Hey! Mhmm...Oh. Yeah-No I'll tell him.” There's a long pause. “Really? Shit. Okay. No-no, I think it will be fine.” Another pause. “That sounds great, actually,” Charlie laughs. “Yeah, now I really can't get arrested. See you in 30? Okay, bye.”

He hangs up and turns around in the seat to look at Todd. “Steven says they've turned on the sprinklers over by the eighth hole so just watch out for that. I also have a hot date after this, so let's try not to fuck this up too badly, alright kids?”

Todd gets out of the car and Charlie comes around from the driver's side with a flashlight from the glove compartment. “Here. It'll probably be dark in there. You can also use it to signal me if something happens, but don't use it unless you need to.” He opens the doors at the back of the car and Ginny crawls over the backseat so she's sitting in the elongated 'trunk.'

“Your car better not be haunted, Dalton,” she says, sitting cross legged, palms flat on the floor behind her. “So, I guess I'll just sit here and be lookout?”

“Yup,” Charlie says. “You can crawl through some duct work next time, I promise.” He's regained the cardigan and Todd kind of wishes he had a jacket or something. It's 9:30, so the sun has gone down and the sky is dark except for in the far western corner of the sky where the blue is slightly lighter.

“You ready for this?” Charlie asks.

“Probably,” Todd says, going for honesty over bravado.

“Famous last words.” Charlie says, giving him a mock salute.

And with that Todd walks into the night.

 

xii.

It's really fucking dark.

Which makes sense, considering it's a cave and all, but seriously, Todd does not remember it being like this. Like it's some great canyon that leads down several miles into the earth and not some dinky little stone crawl space on a golf course.

Getting there had been pretty easy, all things considered. On paper it had seemed very dramatic, especially once Ginny had started playing the James Bond theme on her iPod. But in reality breaking onto a golf course mostly just involves walking and not getting caught while doing said walking. The worst part of it was the sprinklers but it's not like Todd even got that wet, skirting around them, his head down and hands jammed in his pockets, fingers clenched around the tiny map.

The cave was also much less exciting than he remembered. Not that it had been particularly exciting in his imagination, but it was still underwhelming. What had, in his mind at least, been a deep cave-like crevice was for all intents and purposes just a semi-secluded area under an overhanging rock with a shrub hiding most of the crevice from view. Even on his hands and knees Todd's body doesn't fully fit into the small space, his calves and ankles feeling oddly exposed. He fumbles for the flashlight, not being able to move comfortably within the confines. Todd eventually concedes defeat and starts feeling along the wall, reminding himself that there are no poisonous spiders indigenous to Vermont as his hands brush up against a spider web. The rock is slightly damp and rough against his hands and Todd scrapes his knuckles as his hands meet resistance. There's a jagged piece of rock which sticks outwards from the wall and Todd feels around it abruptly connecting with something very much _not_ rock.

Whatever it is, it's been wedged tightly between the wall and the place where the rock sticks out. Todd yanks it out, banging his elbow in the process, but it comes free. He can tell, almost instantaneously it's some sort of book or folder, wrapped in plastic, presumably to keep it safe. Todd crawls back out of the crevice, ass first, which makes him really glad for this whole cover of night thing.

Back in the open it seems really, stupidly bright out and Todd pulls the plastic wrapped book from under his arm. It's a green notebook, like the ones they used to give out in elementary school, and the sight of it brings a lump to Todd's throat. Across the top in letters cut out from magazines it reads: NEIL AND TODD'S ADVENTURE BOOK with a picture underneath of a pirate ship that Neil had torn out of his copy of Peter Pan. “You'll get in trouble!” Todd had said, in horror when Neil had ripped the page from its binding without a second thought. Neil had shrugged, tongue poking out between his lips as he cut out the picture of the ship and glued it onto the book.

He wants to throw up or cry or scream. Todd wants to do a lot of things but he doesn't, he just stuffs his feelings down like dirty clothes in a hamper and tries to ignore them for a little while as he walks back across the course towards the parking lot. It's easier this time, Todd's feet are on autopilot while his brain shuts down for a while. It isn't until he sees Ginny that any part of him comes back online; she's lying with her stomach flat on the trunk of the hearse, her head resting in her crossed arms. She waves when she sees him, pale arms akimbo.

“Pssst! Charlie!” She stage-whispers and Charlie appears from around the other side of the hearse.

“Huzzah! The prodigal son returns!” Charlie says, not even looking at Todd while he texts one-handed. “Steven should be out in five minutes and then we can get the hell outta here.”

“Did you find anything?” Ginny says sitting up. “I mean, there was something, right?”

“Yeah.” Todd says, hand coming up subconsciously to hang onto the Adventure Book, still wedged underneath his arm. “I haven't, uh, I haven't...”

“It's okay.” Ginny says getting out of the trunk, “Todd, it's okay.” She comes over and hugs him from the side, her forehead resting against his upper arm. “Hey, you're shaking.”

“I'm okay.” Todd says, but it sounds cheap even to him and Ginny doesn't let go, even when Steven shows up, his glasses fogged from the change in temperature from the kitchen into the cool night. He's so flushed that his face practically matches his hair, and Charlie bounds over,

“You don't even wanna know how gross and sweaty I am right now,” he warns. But Charlie is already clinging onto him like it's been years and not hours since he last saw him.

“Seriously, are we going to have a hug-fest in the parking lot or are we going to go get dinner to celebrate our successful criminal activities?” Steven says, shoving Charlie away by the side of his face. “Jesus, you are such a weirdo.”

“But I'm your weirdo.”

“Debatable.” Steven says opening the passenger door.

“No way!” Ginny protests, detaching herself from Todd, “I called shotgun for life!” She plants her hands on her hips and glares at Steven, who takes a step back from the door

“I can just-”

“No! Steven's sitting in the front!”

“I called it!”

“Guys, I can sit in the back with Todd, it's not a big dea-”

“Okay, first of all there was no sort of formal arrangement on that shotgun forever. And secondly everyone knows the driver's date gets shotgun. It's practically law.” Charlie counts these out on his fingers. “Lastly, it's not fair that you get to sit in the front when you're the shortest and it's not like you need the extra leg room.”

“Uh, yeah, sorry to break it to you but last time I checked it's not like _Steven Meeks_ needs the leg room either.”

“Okay, then Todd should sit in the front.”

“Fine,” Ginny says.

“Fine,” Charlie says.

“What?” Todd says.

Ginny manoeuvres him over to the passenger side and practically shoves him inside. Todd tucks the adventure book down by his feet because he doesn't want anyone else to see it. It's too private and special. But somehow between the shotgun thing no one seems to care much. Which is fine by Todd.

“Could you drop me off at my house?” Todd asks, as Charlie backs out of the parking lot, swinging the hearse around so he gets pushed against the door. Charlie turns to look at him, one eyebrow raised comically.

“Dude, didn't you hear me? We're getting dinner.”

“I can't,” Todd says, which, okay, maybe isn't exactly _true_ but he's got this whole clue thing, not to mention his first exam is on Wednesday and he hasn't really studied that much and-

Ginny pokes her head in from between the driver and passenger seats. “You can't not come. I'm not sitting alone with these two dweebs while they make moony eyes at each other. At least if you're there I have someone to make fun of them with.” Ginny pouts and flutters her eyelashes, so Todd doesn't really have any other choice.

“Fine,” he says, “but I'm getting a whole order of mozzarella sticks and eating them by myself.” Ginny kisses him on the cheek and fist pumps the air, and it doesn't feel like such a sacrifice anymore.

They end up at The Finer Diner, which is a hopelessly fake vintage restaurant just outside of Welton. It's cheesy as hell, but it's the only thing open at 10:00pm and the food's not actually half bad. Todd leaves the Adventure Book in the car in his backpack, because as much as he doesn't want to let it out of his sight he also doesn't want to risk spilling food on it. He can practically feel past-him, the one who didn't break onto golf courses and willingly spend time with Charlie Dalton, screaming at him as he leaves it in the car. That he should be trying to figure out the next clue and trying to find Neil now, now, now, now. But Ginny slings an arm around his neck and starts chattering about her summer job prospects, and Todd lets himself be the centre of his own universe for a little while.

They all cram into a circular booth and Charlie insists on ordering an insane amount of appetizers, most of which are deep fried or wrapped in bacon. But Todd does get his mozzarella sticks, so it's not really like he's complaining.

“I can't believe you guys are all deserting me,” Ginny moans, picking green onions off a potato skin. “All of the juniors are so boring, I don't know what I'm going to do.”

“Sucks to be you,” Charlie agrees and then yelps when Steven pinches him. “Okay, sorry, sorry. I mean, I'm sure you'll find people to hang out with, admittedly they won't be as cool or good looking as us but it'll be fine.”

“Gee, thanks,” Ginny deadpans. “But seriously, aren't you guys worried about school? I mean Todd you're moving to New York City! Bright lights! Famous people! Stuff open past 10:30! You'll be living the dream, meanwhile I'm stuck in the whitest most boring town in America.”

“You can come visit,” Todd says, “I mean..if you want. You'll probably have to sleep on the floor of my dorm though.”

“Really!?” She squeals. “Oh my god, yeah! That'd be so fun.” She bats him on the arm, “Oh! We have to go to that soup place, from Seinfeld? And Central Park and this place Neil always talked about, what was it called again?”

“Shake Shack?” Charlie supplies

“Right! Yeah and we can go to the carousel, you know the one from Catcher in the Rye and-” Ginny falters for a second her face freezing and then suddenly falling flat. “Oh,” she says quietly.

“What's wrong, Gingerbread?” Charlie says, nudging her calf under the table.

“I just remember...I was going to do all those things...those things with Neil,” she says quietly, more quietly than Todd can remember hearing Ginny talk in a long time, and without thinking he reaches over and grabs her hand. She squeezes it tightly and doesn't let go.

“Well...” Charlie says, obviously trying to steer the conversation to steadier ground, “I have already made a list of all the fun things me and Steven are going to do in Cambridge.”

“Yippee,” Steven says, dipping his finger in the remains of the spinach dip and licking it off.

“Eeeww! Charlie tell your boyfriend to quit it,” Ginny whines.

Charlie ignores her. “There's a really cool poetry club I wanna check out and a club that has a Hot Mess night for 'gay, bi or just very cool people'. Oh and a gourmet bagel place!” Charlie pauses and looks over at Steven and says with great seriousness, “You like bagels right?”

“Yeah, duh. Jewish, remember?”

“Oh thank god. I mean, you're really pretty and smart and I like your dorky sweaters and you're a great kisser, but I think not liking bagels probably would have been a deal breaker.”

“You’re such a liar,” Ginny says. “You wouldn’t even break up with him if he was a serial murderer. You’d probably help him hide the bodies and then have sex on their graves cause you’re romantic like that.”

“Wait, excuse me,” Steven says.  “ _My_ dorky sweaters? I know for a fact that you bought that sweater at a senior’s centre yard sale.”

Charlie and Steven bicker back and forth, and Ginny catches Todd’s eye and rolls her eyes. And it’s….nice. It’s fun and nice and there are mozzarella sticks and the gaping hole where Neil is supposed to be, well it’s still _there_ , but it feels a little less like it’s going to swallow them whole.

The waitress kicks them out at 11:14 and it’s surprisingly cold outside for June, so when Ginny tucks herself under Todd’s arm he lets her. “Todd?” She says, softly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad you came.”

“Me too.” Todd says, and he’s surprised by how much it’s true. Todd isn’t used to having friends who drag him places and make him do new things. Though he was the one who dragged him into this whole quest in the first place.

Charlie attempts to slide over the top of the hood like a cop in a cheesy 80’s action movie and only makes it about halfway across, but hey, A for effort. “Todd, you live over on Hillcrest right?” Charlie says, leaning over the roof to look at him.

“Yeah.”

“You should probably drop me off first,” Steven says, going to open the backseat door but Ginny shoos him away.

“Sit in the front, it’s cool. Besides, now Charlie owes me one.”

“Oh god,” Charlie says opening his door. “The last time I owed her she made me go to Old Navy for _four hours_.”

“Yeah, but it’ll be worth it right? Cause you get to sit with Steven Meeks. Who’s like, really smart, and cute, I guess, and...speckled.” Todd sends a confused glance over at Steven and mouths, “Speckled?” Steven shrugs and climbs into the front seat.

“Oh here,” Steven says, once they’re back on the highway and driving towards town. He passes Todd his backpack, the Adventure Book still safely inside. Todd puts his bag on his lap and tries not to clutch at it too desperately. He’s torn between wanting _so_ badly to know what it is, what it says, and not wanting to burst this small bubble of happiness he’s found himself in.

“Does anyone mind if I play some music?” Charlie asks, drumming his hands on the steering wheel.

“As long as it’s not Electra Heart,” Ginny says. “Or Lana Del Ray.”

“Why do you have such a hate on Lana?” Charlie pouts.

“Which one is she?” Steven asks. “Is she the one who doesn’t open her mouth very much when she sings?”

“Steven Meeks knows where it’s at,” Ginny says.

Charlie huffs. “Fine, we won’t listen to anything. We’ll all just enjoy each other’s company in silence.”

Ginny catches Todd’s eye and rolls hers.

“I heard that!” Charlie says.

“I didn’t even say anything!” Ginny protests.

“Yeah, well, you were thinking about it.”

“I’m honestly just surprised you know who Lana Del Ray is,” Todd adds.

“She sang a song on that mix Charlie gave me last year,” Steven shrugs. “I looked up the music video, so shoot me. Just cause I don’t know who Imaginary Dragons are doesn’t mean I know nothing.”

Ginny stifles a giggle and Todd raises an eyebrow. “Mixtape?”

“Um, yeah.” Steven says, his voice going up in pitch. “It wasn’t a big deal or anything. We were at Meghan McMillian’s wedding. Or was it Monica’s wedding?”

“Monica’s.”

“Yeah, and we were at the same table and I said I didn’t really know a lot about music and Charlie said he’d make me a mixtape. We weren’t even friends, it wasn’t a big deal.”

Ginny’s eyes go wide with realization. “Oh my god. I remember _that_! You angsted over it for like a week.”

“I did not!” Charlie protests, flicking his turn signal a little harder than is strictly necessary. He turns to Steven. “I didn’t. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Yes it was,” Ginny mouths, catching Steven’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

They’re pulling up to the Meeks’ house, the sides of the driveway lit up by small solar powered lights. “Well, this is me,” Steven says. “Thanks for inviting me along for your little escapade. Even if all I did was wash dishes.”

“Hey now, you were super integral to this whole operation,” Charlie says.

Steven rolls his eyes and unbuckles his seatbelt. He looks over his shoulder at Todd. “We still going to study for philosophy tomorrow afternoon?”

He nods. “Yeah, sounds good.”

“Great,” Steven says. He looks over at Charlie and there’s a long awkward moment of hesitation before he leans over and rather forcefully closed-mouth kisses Charlie, who is caught off-guard and keeps his eyes open. Steven pulls away quickly, body tense with embarrassment.

“Um, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Steven says to Charlie who just nods dumbly. “Bye guys,” he says weakly in Todd and Ginny’s general direction, fumbling with the door handle.

Charlie looks back at Ginny, who raises her eyebrows. “Your boyfriend is weeeeeird.”

“He remembered the song. He liked my mixtape,” Charlie says dreamily, his face going all soft. “I have to-” He cuts off the engine and grabs the door handle. “Wait, I’ll be right back.”

“What? Charlie, where are you going?” Ginny protests leaning over the driver’s seat. Charlie holds up one finger in the universally recognized gesture for ‘one minute,’ and Ginny holds up one finger in the universally recognized gesture for ‘fuck you’ before flopping back into her seat, sullen. “Ugh. I have curfew. I swear to god, Charlie,” she mutters to herself.

It’s pretty dim, but Todd can just catch sight of Charlie catching up to Steven on his front porch, catching him by the waist and leaning in to kiss him, Steven’s hands going up into Charlie’s hair, cradling the back of his head. Todd looks away, embarrassed.

Ginny catches his eye and makes a face like ‘what-can-you-do’ and shrugs. “They made out for 15 minutes last time, you might want to settle in for the long haul.”

Todd rummages through his backpack for his phone. No new messages. He doesn’t technically have curfew since he’s never really needed one, but it’s probably best if he shows up home before midnight. It’s the last day of school tomorrow and then exams start and then…

“Todd?” Ginny says, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Maybe you should look at it now?” She bites her lip and looks pointedly at his backpack. “I mean, they’re…Charlie’s going to be a while.”

“Really?” Todd says, surprised. Steven’s only ever dated one other guy and he used to complain about how he always wanted to make out. The surprise must show on his face because Ginny shrugs.

“They’ve been dancing around each other for a _long_ time, they need to work off the residual sexual tension I guess. Love is weird.” She pauses and very obviously darts a look at Todd’s bag, “Are you going to, or…?”

“Yeah, okay. Okay,” Todd says and he takes the book out of his bag, but his hands are shaking so badly that it takes him three tries to get it all the way out. It seems so much smaller and lighter than it did earlier. Just a small stack of papers held together with a binding that’s long since cracked and been repaired with tape over and over. He recognizes all of the pages at the beginning, the pirate ship from Peter Pan that Neil had ripped out of a library book to Todd’s horror, a postcard Todd had sent Neil the summer he had suffered at a leadership sleepaway camp. There’s the picture of them as superheroes that Neil had laboured over after Todd had written a completely implausible and poorly paced story about them joining the X-Men.

There are playbills from every single show Neil’s ever been in and half a dozen pictures of him and Ginny pressed together in dressing rooms, faces caked with stage makeup. Ginny reaches out like she’s going to touch one but then abruptly pulls her hand away. “Sorry,” she mutters, and she looks so different from the girl in the pictures.

Todd keeps flipping through the pages, not sure exactly what he's looking for, until suddenly he's on the last page. Taped to the back cover is a plain white envelope, 'for TODD' written on the flap in red ink.

Ginny inhales sharply. "Oh my god," she says, sounding close to tears, pressing her face into Todd's shoulder. She takes a long deep breath and exhales slowly and her voice barely shakes when she speaks again. "You don't have to, I mean, I can...You don't have to."

"It has to be now." Todd says, feeling hot and angry at himself for having not looked in the book the moment he had gotten it into his hands. He had assumed it would be another clue, another piece of the puzzle.

But this? This is final. This is the very last thing Neil left for him.

Todd is surprised his hands aren't shaking as he extracts a piece of lined paper out of the envelope.

It should feel...bigger, he thinks. It should feel more daunting and important. Why doesn't it feel more daunting and important?

Todd licks his lips. "'Todd,'" He reads, "'I'm not sorry for leaving, I have to, but I know this will hurt you and I’m sorry. I just can't live like this anymore. If you ever really loved me you won't come looking. Neil'"

Todd waits to feel hurt and surprised, but it never comes. He thinks that he's always known. Known that this wasn't going to end in finding Neil and them riding off together in the sunset. Because that's not ever how things ended for him.

He folds the paper back up and sticks it into the envelope.

"Did you know?" Ginny asks. She sounds hurt, and Todd doesn't know if it's directed at him or Neil or both.

"I think I did," Todd says. "I mean, I didn't know that I knew, but I knew. Does that make sense?"

Ginny wraps her arms around herself and nods. "I think I did a little bit too." She wipes her eyes the way girls do when they don't want to ruin their makeup. "Fuck. Fuck, Charlie's going to flip out. He's been in denial about everything, and I think the whole thing with Steven was a good distraction, but I think he really thought Neil was going to come back and everything was going to go back to normal."

"But you didn't think so."

She shrugs. "I think Neil's been gone for a long time. He just hadn't left."

The car door opens suddenly and Ginny jerks her head up in surprise. Charlie hops into the car, throwing his hat onto the dashboard, his hair sticking up in the back. "Okay, who am I dropping off-" He turns around in the driver’s seat to glance back at them, his voice dropping off when he sees their faces. "What?" He demands, sounding angry and scared and confused all rolled into one. "Is it Neil? Is he okay?"

Ginny glances over at Todd like he should have an answer. Charlie exhales sharply, suddenly looking so much younger.

“He’s not coming back,” Charlie says, voice hollow.

It’s not a question.

 

xiii.

Charlie isn’t in class the next morning.

To be fair, neither is 40% of the class, but that doesn’t have Steven checking his phone under his desk every five minutes and jostling his left leg up and down nervously.

When Charlie had driven him and Ginny home last night he had been... _wrong_. Completely silent and barely acknowledging either of them. Tense and coiled and ready to break at any moment.

Steven checks his phone again and Todd can hear him make a small, frustrated noise before closing it again (Steven Meeks is apparently the only person in the whole state who has a goddamned flip phone). Todd should really be writing his philosophy notes, but he just can’t bring himself to care. Everything seems so pointless. Neil Perry disappeared a week ago, and no one seems to even care that he’s not coming back. That he hated Welton so much he would rather throw everything away here than even try to tough it out until graduation. For the first time, Todd really wonders why he did it. There had always been rumours about Neil’s dad, how overbearing and strict he was. That he was forcing Neil into Harvard against his will. But this is a rich town, and overbearing fathers who dreamed of living vicariously through their sons are a dime a dozen. What did he do that made Neil throw everything else away?

Finally, _finally_ Hagar’s class ends and Todd contemplates just going home on the walk to his locker. What’s the point? What’s the point in anything? He’s already into Columbia, and his average is high enough that he could probably barely pass his exams and still maintain his required GPA for entry.

He’s so lost in thought he doesn’t even notice Ginny standing by his locker until she whistles at him. “Hello? Todd? You in there?”

“Huh?” Todd says, shutting his locker door without having taken anything out. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, not meaning it at all.

“Todd, please,” Ginny says, her voice small all of a sudden. “Please don’t shut down on me too. I can’t lose someone else, I can’t. Don’t make me go through this alone.”

And Todd, who has never been one for physical affection, who has never been one for _affection_ reaches out to hug her, Ginny giving no resistance before collapsing against his chest. “I hate him,” she says after a long pause, muffled in the fabric of Todd’s shirt.“I hate him so much. How could he do this to us?” She pulls away, wiping a hand across her face and sniffling slightly. “How could he, Todd? How could he do this to you, and me, and-” Her voice cracks. “Oh god, Charlie. He just broke down last night after we dropped you off.”

“Steven’s worried,” Todd says, offhandedly.

“He should be,” Ginny says. “Him and Neil were on this whole other level with the shitty parents thing. It made them so close. And last year when Charlie...well it doesn’t matter, but what does matter is that Neil is probably one of the only reasons Charlie hasn’t disappeared as well.”

“Hey,” Steven says, walking over, pulling his messenger bag over his body. “Can you drive me to Charlie’s? You’re on spare, right?”

“Uh, yeah. I mean, I guess I could. But don’t you have class?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Steven says, already turning to walk to the back parking lot.

Todd doesn’t miss the way Steven drums his fingers on top of his legs, or checks his phone every two minutes while he drives him out to Charlie’s house.

“Steven?” Todd asks when he slams his phone shut for what must be the seventh time by now. “This thing with Charlie...is it, I mean. It’s just gotten really...intense really fast and I just-” Todd flicks his turn signal, pulling onto Charlie’s street. “Is this the best way to start a relationship?”

Steven is very quiet for a minute, hands going still against his thighs, and Todd wonders for a moment if he’s going to hit him. Steven takes a deep breath. “I have been in love with Charlie Dalton since I was 7 and he told me he liked my pokemon shirt and I have spent the last 10 years of my life trying to come to terms with that. I don’t think it could really have moved any slower.”

“Besides,” he says, giving Todd a sad smile as they pull into the Dalton’s obscenely long driveway, “haven’t you ever heard of trial by fire?”

Todd waits in the van while Steven rings the doorbell, once. Twice. Thrice. Before he starts banging on the door, phone pressed against his ear. Charlie eventually appears, looking small and young in an oversized Harvard sweater that Todd now knows Ginny bought him as a joke last Christmas. Steven pulls Charlie into his arms and they just stand there for a long time while Todd debates if he should stay or drive away. Finally Steven pulls away, waving at Todd as a signal that everything is fine, and following Charlie into his massive house.

Todd doesn’t feel like going back to school, so he circles the subdivision aimlessly for almost an hour. He has history and math after lunch but he really can’t bring himself to care enough about either to go back for them. He sends a few texts to Knox, to let him know he’s alive and he’s fine, since he’s probably heard all about what happened last night by now via Chris, who would have known from Ginny. Speaking of which, he sends her a text apologizing for disappearing with Steven and offers to come pick her up.

_“I have class :( we’re actually doing review wtf”_ She texts back, then a few minutes later _“No more running away okay”_

_“ok”_ Todd texts back, hoping even a tiny iota of how he feels can be properly represented in the pixels of a text. He flops back on his bed, staring up at the wooden beams of his ceiling and tries to think of absolutely nothing.

Todd doesn’t even realize he'd fallen asleep until he jerks awake and Jeffrey is standing over him. “Hey, sorry kiddo. I didn’t mean to scare you. Your friend is here to see you.”

Todd grunts and wipes his mouth, pulling himself into a sitting position. Steven is standing in the doorway and he waves, bashful.

“Sorry,” he says.

“Don’t worry about it,” Todd slurs, his neck aching from sleeping on it weirdly.

“I’ll just leave you guys alone,” Jeff says. Todd listens while he shuts the door and thumps down the stairs.

“Is he going to tell your dad you skipped?” Steven asks, sitting at Todd’s desk.

Todd shrugs. “Probably not. I caught him smoking, so we’re probably even. Besides, it’s not like I missed anything important, I don’t think he’s that much of a kiss ass.” He watches Steven fiddle with the box of paperclips on his desk. “You okay?”

“I guess…”

“Is Charlie okay?”

Steven sighs. “I have no idea. He seemed less upset when I left, but he might have just been faking it, so I wouldn’t worry.” He puts the paperclips down and starts fiddling with a butterfly clip. “It didn’t really work.”

“Oh,” Todd says, not sure what he’s supposed to say to that. “Uh, did you want to do review for philosophy or…?”

Steven looks at him, puzzled. “What? No. I was wondering- if it’s okay with you -if I could look at your book. I just thought, maybe you missed something.”

“Missed something how?” Todd asks, confused. “The letter was what I was supposed to find. Neil’s gone.”

“I know,” Steven says, sounding a little excited. “But, Charlie was telling me about how he and Neil used to do these scavenger hunts and stuff and how Neil would sometimes make it seem like a clue was the last one when really there were more. Or maybe he was trying to show you where he was going.”

Todd considers this, and part of him, a large part of him desperately wants it to be true, needs it to be true. That Neil’s letter wasn’t the end of it, that he had left more clues that would draw Todd into him.

But he knows somewhere deep and dark inside himself, he _knows_ that Neil hasn’t left him any more clues. The same way he knew that Neil wasn’t going to be coming back. There isn’t really any way he can convey this to Steven Meeks without sounding like a new age guidance counselor, so Todd settles for shrugging non-committedly.

He gets up and retrieves the Adventure Book from where it has been sitting on his shelf, slightly hidden behind his math textbook so he can pretend it isn’t there if he doesn’t look too hard.

Steven takes it gingerly, “Are you sure this is okay? I know it’s kind of personal.”

“It’s fine,” Todd says. “Besides, it’s more Neil’s than mine anyways.”

Steven gently opens the book and places it on Todd’s desk, leaning over to get a closer look, glasses sliding down his nose and glinting in the late afternoon light. Todd watches him for a minute, hunched over the book with a look of absolute concentration on his face, though Todd has no idea what he thinks he might find in it. After a few minutes of this, Steven finally turns the page and Todd decides that his attention would probably be better spent studying for his upcoming exams.

He’s halfway through his notes on the enlightenment philosophers when Steven makes a surprised noise and turns around in Todd’s desk chair. “Did you see this?” Steven asks, holding up the book for Todd to inspect, his thumb tapping on a small rectangular piece of paper, about the size of a paperback novel. At first Todd thinks it’s some sort of minimalist piece of art, all squiggling lines in red and green, before what little he remembers from grade 10 geography comes trickling back to him.

“Huh,” Todd mutters. “It looks like a topography map.”

“Yeah, but it isn’t labeled or anything, which is a little weird,” Steven says, frowning. “What’s the use of a map with no labels?”

“Maybe Neil just liked the way it looked,” Todd says. So few of the things in the book seemed to have any real relevance other than Neil simply liking them. Steven doesn’t seem convinced but doesn’t press it any further, going back to his meticulous examination of the book.

“I suppose,” Steven says, almost an hour later, “that it would be rather too obvious for Neil to have gone to New York. There’s at least three references to it in here, and Ginny has said the other night that she had planned going there with Neil.”

“He might be,” Todd says, but he knows it’s wrong the moment it’s out of his mouth. If Neil were in New York and he wanted Todd to find him, he would have left him a better map, a better trail of clues. New York is too big, too many places for a 17 year-old boy to slip into and disappear.

“Hmmm,” Steven says, and Todd isn’t sure what he’s thinking but he goes silent again for almost ten minutes before jolting upright quickly and rummaging around Todd’s desk for something.

“What? What’s wrong?” Todd sits up from where he had been reclining in bed, reviewing his notes.

“There’s something here,” Steven says, switching on Todd’s desk lamp. He’s on the last page where the envelope containing Todd’s letter is glued to the back cover. “See, on the envelope, I think he must have written on top of it because you can see the impression, the same way you get in a notebook.”

“You were one of those kids who had a detective phase weren’t you?” Todd asks.

“Irrelevant,” Steven says, which is as good as a confession. “Look, if I just do this,” he rubs a pencil gently over the envelope, “I think I can see what he wrote overtop of it.”

“This is actual Scooby Doo level stuff going on right now,” Todd mutters to himself.

“It says…” Steven squints at the envelope, the book practically shoved up against his face, “Air at is founding? Foundations?” He mutters. “What does that look like to you?”

Todd takes the book from Steven’s hands and squints at it. Sure enough, on the bottom corner of the envelope he can just make out a few blurry words in Neil’s handwriting among the grey shading.

_air_

_at is_

_foundations_

“I can’t believe that actually worked,” Todd says. “But, does that mean anything? Air at is foundations? You don’t really think Neil left this as a clue for me?”

“Not really, no.” Steven says. “But just because he didn’t leave it on purpose doesn’t not make it a clue. Maybe it’s part of something longer? We should look it up.” He reaches for his phone.

“No, wait.” Todd says. “Maybe...maybe we shouldn’t. I-I just mean,” Todd takes a deep breath. “I sort of promised Neil I wouldn’t go looking for him and, and it’s starting to look like he didn’t want us to find him so maybe we should just s-stop.”

Steven tilts his head. “You promised? Promised how? Promised when?”

“I mean it wasn’t that-it wasn’t like that. Neil he just-” Todd cuts off. “It doesn’t matter. Just forget it.” Todd takes the book, shutting it firmly and placing it back on his shelf, readjusting his math textbook to hide it again, trying to ignore Steven’s eyes on him. Judging him, probably.

Only he’s not. When Todd finally looks back at him he looks...sad. “What?”

“You mean in the letter,” Steven says. “It said if you loved him you wouldn’t go looking for him. That’s what you mean by promised.”

Todd doesn’t say anything for a long time and eventually Steven stands up, pushing in Todd’s desk chair and puts his messenger bag over his shoulder. “It probably didn’t mean anything,” Steven says softly. “But if it did, if you knew where to find him, would you go looking?”

“I don’t know,” Todd says finally, hands clasped firmly together, eyes cast down.

“Yeah,” Steven says.“Me neither.”

He shuts the door behind him.

The next few days pass in a hazy grey blur with occasional bursts of emotion. Todd locks himself in his room and studies until his eyes cross to avoid looking at the Adventure Book sitting on his shelf. His parents not even noticing that he doesn’t leave his room for an entire day, praising him to his dedication to his school work.

He has a few shifts at the bookstore and Keating prods him a few times, clearly concerned about him, but Todd just can’t bring himself to put the energy into explaining. He’s angry, but it’s a sort of dull anger, laced with pain. The phrase _if you ever really loved me_ playing on a loop in the back of his mind.

“You don’t have to talk to me about what’s troubling you,” Keating tries the day after Todd’s last exam, “But I think you should really talk to someone. I’ve never seen you like this. You’re not living, you’re just existing.”

He’s right. He’s completely right. But Todd lets himself wallow in his pain and hurt and anger. Terrified because he knows one day they’ll stop. That someday, and he doesn’t know how soon it will be, he will think about Neil and feel nothing. And nothing scares him more than that.

As graduation draws closer, Ginny starts getting more and more agitated about everyone leaving for college, demanding they all meet up for dinner, or go to the movies, or ice cream. “I just don’t want to waste any of the time we have left together!” She bursts out when Knox and Charlie start giving push back about going to Dairy Queen for the third time in two days.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Chris says, dropping Knox’s hand and pulling her into her arms, kissing Ginny on the side of the head. “It’s all going to be okay. We’re not going anywhere,” she says soothingly, while glaring daggers at Knox and Charlie, who both look thoroughly put in their place.

Charlie has started acting more like his usual self, or at least the usual self that Todd kind of knows, and kind of likes. Brash and loud and making out with Steven at any given opportunity, as they are when Todd returns to the booth and they’re practically glued together, Steven looking like he’s trying to lick Charlie’s tonsils the way he’s going at it.

“Seriously guys?” Knox says, “We’re trying to eat here.”

There’s an actual suction sound when they pull apart, but Charlie makes no move to stop sitting on what is, for all intents and purposes, Steven’s lap.

“This is what happens when people have that much sexual tension for that long,” Chris says, sitting down. “It just sort of explodes all over the place.” She takes a dainty bite of her ice cream.

“That’s what she said!” Ginny bursts out, at the same time Charlie goes, “Just like last night!” and they high five over the table.

“Why am I dating you again?” Steven says.

“Because I’m charming as fuck with an ass that won’t quit,” Charlie says, kissing Steven wetly on the mouth before attacking the rest of his face.

“Okay, enough! You guys are five, I swear,” Chris says. She nudges Todd’s leg with her foot and smiles at him. “Hey,” she says. “You still with us?”

“Yeah,” Todd says, and it doesn’t even feel like a lie. Maybe it isn’t one. His feelings about Neil are still there, churning, waiting, but he feels like he’s sitting in a circle of light and warmth, and right now the darkness is promptly held at bay.

“I know this sounds like something you write in the yearbook of someone you never really liked, but I really wish I had gotten to know you better Todd,” Chris says, nudging his shin again playfully. “If I come visit you will you show me the sights? I’ve never been to New York before.”

“You’re going to Princeton, right?” Steven asks.

Chris nods. “Yeah, Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering. I actually wanted to apply to MIT but my parents are both Princeton Alumni and it means a lot to them that I go there. Plus, I could always do my Masters at MIT, or whatever.”

“Oh, yeah I’ve heard AeroAstro at MIT is really-” Steven breaks off, realization breaking over his face, eyes going out of focus as he stares into the distance at nothing.

“Hello, earth to Steven Meeks?” Charlie says, snapping his fingers in front of Steven’s face.

“Yearbook,” Steven says, eyes coming back into focus.

“What?” Chris raises her eyebrows in confusion and looks over at Ginny who shrugs, and then Todd, who is just as clueless.

“Yearbook, he put it in my yearbook,” Steven says, eyes wide. “Oh my god.”

Charlie looks panicked. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Steven ignores him and starts digging around in his bag frantically, coming up with a pen and grabbing a napkin from the table. Writing on it determinedly while the rest of them look on, giving each other concerned glances over their rapidly melting ice cream.

Finally Steven looks up and pushes the napkin toward Todd. It reads:

_if you have built castles in the air_

_your work need not be lost; that is_

_where they should be now put foundations_

_under them_

Steven reaches over and circles the last words in each row, looking at them eagerly, like a magician who has just performed his grand finale and is waiting for applause.

“Um. So, what does that mean?” Ginny asks, sounding confused, leaning over Chris’ shoulder to get a better look.

“It means,” Steven says, eyes flashing behind his glasses. “I know where Neil is.”

 

xiv.

There is a long silence, broken only by the whirring of the blizzard machine as they all stare at Steven in a weird mixture of shock, awe, and confusion.

“Okay, sorry. I have no idea what just happened,” Ginny says. “You just wrote a bunch of words on a napkin and circled some of them. What does that have to do with Neil?”

“Oh my god, of course,” Charlie breathes, mostly to himself, suddenly sitting up straight, “It’s from Walden. Steven you are a fucking genius.” He leans over, Steven making a small surprised noise as Charlie’s mouth collides with his.

“An explanation would be awesome. Any day now, take your time making out,” Ginny says, and Charlie and Steven detach. Steven looks embarrassed but a little smug, and Charlie is practically bouncing up and down in his seat.

“It’s a book, isn’t it?” Chris says. “Didn’t this guy go live in the woods for like a year and write about it?”

Steven nods. “Yeah, essentially. But a lot of it is like Thoreau’s philosophy about life. I read it last year in English class. I didn’t really get into it, but-”

“Neil did,” Charlie finishes.

Todd frowns. This is all new information to him. He’s actually never read Walden, but Keating quotes it enough at him that he’s somewhat familiar with it. All that living deliberately thing, and something about sucking the marrow which Todd always found vaguely sexual sounding and generally uncomfortable.

“Wait,” Ginny says. “Is this that fucking pond book Neil’s obsessed with? You think that’s where Neil is? Just because of some random quote in a yearbook?”

“Well, I mean...yeah?” Steven says, suddenly sounding unsure. He looks over at Todd. “Doesn’t it make sense?”

Todd’s face heats up. “I don’t know. Maybe? I haven’t read it, and Neil never mentioned it to me, but he never really mentioned anything to me.”

Ginny reaches over under the table and gives his hand a squeeze. It hurts a little to say, but it’s true. He hasn’t been close friends with Neil in almost ten years, and the picture of Neil in his mind has mostly been constructed from afar.

Chris pulls the napkins toward her, eyebrows crinkling slightly as she reads it. “He did really love that book,” she says thoughtfully. “But even if he did go there, what’s to say he still is? He left over a week ago. I mean, it’s not like this could have been his final destination. You can’t just live in the woods there, it’s a national historic site.”

They all sit in silence, pondering this. Ginny pokes at her melting blizzard with her spoon and it makes an uncomfortable noise against the side of the cup.

“I think we should go,” Charlie finally says. “It’s only what, maybe 3 hours away? It feels stupid to just sit here because he might not be.”

“So what, you’d go tomorrow after graduation?” Knox asks.

Charlie shakes his head. “No, we need to go now. Well, not now-now, but as soon as possible.”

“Yeah, because my parents are going to be totally cool with me going on a random roadtrip with no warning,” Todd adds.

“It’s graduation tomorrow too. I think they’ll say no,” Steven says, squeezing Charlie’s hand on the tabletop sympathetically.

“We could go tonight,” Chris says. “It’s only 3 hours there and back. Tell our parents we’re having sleepovers and be back by 10:00 am.”

“Just lie?” Knox says, sounding a little horrified. “Do you just lie to your parents like it’s not a big deal?”

Charlie, Ginny and Chris have a strange bermuda triangle of glances between each other.

“Um, yes,” Ginny finally says. “Literally all the time.”

“Not to be negative here,” Todd says, “but we just went from a quote Neil wrote in Steven’s yearbook to a secret overnight roadtrip to Walden Pond. Besides-” Oh god, he can feel all his words getting caught up in his throat like barbed wire. “Maybe, maybe Neil doesn’t want us to go after him. I mean-mean, just-”

“We deserve an answer,” Charlie says, going from calm to angry in less than three seconds.“We deserve fucking answers. I don’t care if Neil doesn’t want us to find him. It’s not his move anymore. It’s ours. You don’t have to come if you have such a fucking problem with it! Just because Neil left you a message-”

“Hey, hey,” Steven says, reaching for Charlie’s arm. “This isn’t Todd’s fault, don’t blame him for this.”

“Well then who is!?” Charlie snaps. “Neil? The school? His parents? This fucking town!? Someone did this to him, someone did this to us and I want them held fucking accountable and if you won’t do it than I will.” He shoves his way out of the booth.

“Charlie!” Ginny says. “Don’t be like that, come on.” Her voice is soft, softer than Todd’s heard it in a long time.

Charlie slams out of the Dairy Queen, boots slapping angrily on the floor, Steven watching after him, his face filled with a mix of concern and fear. He hesitates for a moment, biting at his bottom lip. “I’ll be right back.” Steven says to no one specifically, standing up and following Charlie outside.

Todd crosses his arms on the tabletop and rests his head in it, hiding from everyone else. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that Neil or fate or some higher power has put him in this situation. And the logical part of him knows that this isn’t really about his feelings for Neil, but he can’t get it out of his mind. _If you really love me._

There’s a comforting hand on his shoulder and Todd thinks it must be Ginny, or maybe Chris, but when he looks up it’s Knox looking down at him with concern. “Everything will be okay,” he says, in that comforting therapist voice he learned from his mother. Normally, Todd finds it annoying and patronizing, but it’s so sweet and sincere that he finds himself nodding along.

“We should probably go,” Chris says as a Dairy Queen employee comes over to their booth and starts aggressively cleaning their table in the universal sign for ‘get the hell out.’

In the parking lot, Knox leans over and gives Todd an honest-to-god hug, not one of those handshake backslap things his brother is so fond of. “I’m sure you’ll all figure out something,” he says when he pulls away and reaches over for Chris’ hand.

“Wow, be you better be careful mister, or I’m going to start getting jealous,” Chris says jokingly, planting her hands on her hips and tilting her head before going in to give Todd a hug as well.

“I’ll text you later. Charlie just needs some time to…” She trails off and makes a vague hand gesture. “Charlie’s not always the best with emotions. He’ll come around.” She leans up on her tippy-toes to kiss Todd’s cheek. “I’ll text you later.”

She repeats her kiss and hug farewell with Ginny, who keeps looking over at something just over Chris’ shoulder.

Todd follows her gaze to Charlie’s car, which sticks out even more obviously in a parking lot full of soccer mom luxury vans.

“What do you want to bet they’re making out lovingly?” Ginny says, bumping her shoulder into Todd when he doesn’t react.

“Oh, um. Yeah, I guess,” he says blandly.

Ginny tucks her hair behind her ears. “Don’t listen to Charlie. Just because he’s all fucked up about Neil does mean it’s your fault. Besides, you really don’t have to come with us if you don’t want to.”

“Do you really think he’s there?” Todd asks.

Ginny sighs. “For a long time I thought I understood Neil better than anyone. Better than Charlie, certainly better than his parents. But I’m starting to realize that I only really knew the parts of Neil that Neil wanted me to know. The Neil I know would probably be there. It’s weird, it’s vaguely pretentious and it means something to him. But Neil isn’t just the parts of him that I knew. You know?”

“Yeah,” Todd says. “Yeah, I really, really do.”

Ginny bumps him again. “But hey, worst case scenario I get to go on a cool road trip adventure with my best friends before they abandon me for college. Best case scenario, I get to smack Neil in the face for being an asshole. Really it’s a win/win.”

“If he’s there-” Todd starts and then falters, courage failing him and then surging again, “If he’s there,” he tries, again. “Do you think he’ll ever forgive us?”

“Honestly,” Ginny says, “I don’t give a fuck if he does. I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for me.”

Todd considers this, squinting in the sun. “Alright,” he says finally.

“Hmm?” Ginny says. “What?”

“I’ll come.” Todd can feel his heart pounding. “I want to come.”

Ginny’s entire face lights up and she practically jumps on him, pressing her face into his chest, making a high pitched excited noise that Todd would categorize somewhere between a squeal and a giggle.”I knew it! I knew you would. You’re the best, you’re really and truly the absolute _best_.”

“Okay, okay,” Todd says, smiling despite himself. “Yeah, I’m the greatest, don’t forget it. But I have one condition.”

“Anything,” Ginny says.

“We’re not taking Charlie’s car.”

The whole thing is decided over a flurry of facebook messages and texts and two frantic phone calls that afternoon. Charlie, for some unknown reason, is ridiculously resistant about them driving in Todd’s van instead of his hearse, but Steven sends him a single text and suddenly he’s fine with it.

“He probably offered to give him a blow job or something.” Ginny says, head dangling over the edge of Todd’s bed when he brings it up with her.

“Urgh, don’t say that,” Todd says, trying to get the mental image out of his mind.

“You don’t think they’ve already done that?” Ginny says, sitting up and looking at Todd skeptically.

Todd flushes and turns back to his computer, where he’s gotten a new message from Chris about what route they should take. “No. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think Steven is really like that.”

“You don’t think Steven Meeks is like that? Charlie says he has a copy of The Joys of Gay Sex with _notes_ in it.”

“Okaaaaaaaay,” Todd says, hastily typing out a reply to Chris. “We’re not talking about this anymore.”

Ginny flops back down on his bed. “You never know who’s going to be classy in the streets and freaky in the sheets.” Her phones buzzes and she reaches for it, holding it over her head so she can read from the screen. “Charlie wants to know if we have enough room in your car for Neil.”

“Huh?” Todd asks, not fully paying attention. “Why would we need a spot for Neil?”

Ginny rolls herself onto her stomach and then up into a crouch, legs tucked underneath her, her eyebrows raised in either confusion or condescension. “Why wouldn’t we need a spot for Neil? We’re bringing him back here. That’s the whole point.”

Todd stops typing, spinning around in his chair. “I thought we were only…you know that we were only-” He stops himself, because now that he’s trying to say it out loud, that he thought that they were, what? Just going to have a chat with Neil and then head back on their way. It sounds ridiculous, he knows it sounds ridiculous, but somehow his brain hadn’t quite gotten to the possibility of Neil coming back with them. With things going back to the way they were before.

Though, of course. They would never be the way they were before.

Luckily Todd’s email notification beeps at the exact same moment Ginny gets a phone call, and the interruption saves Todd from having to dig himself farther into that hole.

The email’s from Charlie, the subject line reads _~~~BADASS ROADTRIP JAMZ~~~ (for your final approval)_.

Before Todd can even process this, Ginny’s leaning over his shoulder, phone in hand, and Todd can hear the electronic faraway sound of Charlie’s voice.

“Charlie just wanted you to know that he’s open to suggestions, but that Young and Beautiful is non-negotiable.”

“You’re telling me that I can give Charlie Dalton orders as long as it’s not about Lana Del Rey on his mixtape that he made for our super un-parental-approved midnight roadtrip?”

“Yeah, basically,” Ginny says.

All things considered, maybe the way things were before is a little overrated.

 

xv.

The plan is this:  

Todd, Ginny, Charlie and Steven will take Todd’s van to Walden Pond, leaving in the middle of the night so they will be able to get there and back by mid-morning, before anyone even realizes they were out for anything more than a fun, friendly pre-graduation breakfast.

Chris and Knox are staying behind, partially because it’s almost impossible to pull anything over on Dr. Overstreet, and partially because it seemed safer to have people who knew where they were going in case anything went wrong. Which, honestly, between Charlie and Ginny, Todd’s basically expecting things to go lopsided pretty quickly.

That of course doesn’t stop him and Steven from compiling a 7 page long email filled with maps, possible routes, a sleep schedule, and an itinerary down to the minute. The whole thing has been printed out and stuck on the dash, though Ginny immediately begins mocking it the moment she gets into the car.

“Seriously?” She asks. “He has like 7 different worst-case scenarios.”

“Steven is an extremely thorough person,” Todd says. “Besides, better to be over prepared than underprepared and-What are you doing!?” He says, catching sight of Ginny cracking the protective plastic off a bottle of Nyquil and downing a third of the bottle.

“It’ll knock me out so I’ll be more awake when I’m driving.”

“You said you only had your learner’s permit?” Todd says.

Ginny shrugs, taking her coat off and folding it into a makeshift pillow. “We’re taking back roads in the middle of the night, I don’t think it’s going to matter too much.” She yawns. “Besides, you’ll be thanking me when you’re so tired your eyes hurt. You’ll be practically begging me to drive.”

The warm, melty feeling of camaraderie from earlier that afternoon melts into complete disbelief at the ridiculous group of people he’s tangled himself up with. But he just says “Steven isn’t going to like it. It throws off his whole schedule.”

“He’ll live,” Ginny says, snuggling up against the passenger door and closing her eyes.

Steven and Charlie are waiting at the edge of Steven’s driveway when Todd pulls up at exactly 1:35 am, lights off and as sneakily as you can manage in a van old enough to buy itself a drink.

Ginny is already zonked out on children’s cough syrup in the passenger seat, which is a good thing as Charlie throws himself and his overloaded overnight bag into the backseat of the van with zero appreciation for the fact that this whole trip is completely unauthorized and taking place under a literal cover of darkness.

“Charlie, seriously?” Steven whispers, climbing in after him. “We’re going to Massachusetts for like two hours to retrieve Neil, was this really necessary?”

“Stop exaggerating, it’s just a few products. You have nice hair naturally, you don’t understand the struggle,” Charlie huffs.

“So you thought you’d need 10 pounds of hair products, but your idea of an appropriate outfit for the trip was a pair of black skin-tight pants, a beret, and a tank top with a picture of a sloth on it? You didn’t even bring a jacket.”

“That was a ruse to get to wear your AV club jacket,” Ginny murmurs from the front seat.

“I thought you were asleep,” Steven says.

Ginny rolls over, tucking her coat more closely against herself. “I am, stop talking.”

“I take back what I said about it being better to be over prepared,” Todd says, mostly to himself.

The first half hour drags by in relative silence while familiar swaths of suburbia roll by, and Todd has to finally shove the GPS into Steven’s hands so he’ll stop leaning over his shoulder every thirty seconds.

“I told you, I’m following the route you gave me,” Todd says as he catches Steven frowning at the GPS. “What? What’s wrong?”

“It’s calculating that it’s going to take 22 minutes longer than I’d planned for. What the hell? I ran this through four different programs. This is ridiculous.”

“Is that really a big deal? I know you planned this thing pretty tight, but we must have some wiggle room,” Charlie says, leaning over to look at the GPS, chin resting on Steven’s shoulder.

Steven pouts. “Yeah, I guess we can cut our two pit stops about ten minutes shorter and just hope the traffic is light.”

“Babe, it’s 2 am. I don’t think it’s going to get much lighter on the traffic.” Steven shoots him a look, but Charlie seems unfazed. “Don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine. And I have the _perfect_ distraction.”

“No blowjobs,” Ginny mutters blearily.

Charlie kicks her seat. “Shove it, Danbury.”

“I’m sleeping,” Ginny says, turning over to face the window and promptly going back to ignoring them all.

“Please don’t kick my car. This whole thing is basically held together with old gum and duct tape.”

“ _Anyways_ , perfect distraction.” Hairspray bottles clink together as Charlie rummages around in his bag.“Ta-da!” He exclaims holding up a CD case with “CHARLIE’S ROAD TRIP JAMZ” emblazoned on the cover in glitter puffy paint and rhinestones. “I made it while you were googling routes,” He says proudly.

Todd can hear it now, knows that means ‘Do you like it? Do you like me? Did I make you proud?’

“Where did you even get puffy paint at my house? And rhinestones?” Steven asks, taking it from Charlie and examining it closely before passing it up to Todd, who ends up with half of the glitter on his hands before he can manage to get the CD into the player.

“Oh, I didn’t get them from your house. I had some in my bag.”

Steven looks up from the GPS for the first time, surprise turning into bemusement into joy as he bites back a grin. “Why do you have puffy paint and rhinestones in your bag, you ridiculous child? Come here.” Steven laughs, grabbing Charlie by the chin and kissing him.

Todd rolls his eyes and tries to ignore Steven and Charlie giggling in the backseat while Lana croons about her daddy being a bad man out of his tinny car speakers.

The drive is almost painfully uneventful, highway side roadstops and empty swaths of urban sprawl giving way to even quieter back roads and corner gas stations. Todd lets Charlie’s mixtape end and doesn’t put anything new on, the silence comfortable as everyone else dozes quietly.

Surprisingly, Steven had taken Ginny’s lead and downed part of her bottle of Nyquil. “It’s logical,” he’d said, Todd’s disbelief somehow obvious even though he hadn’t commented. “I’m on last driving shift, I’ll be the most tired if I don’t sleep. Lesser of two evils and all that.”

“Thank you!” Ginny had said, validated.

That had been an hour ago, maybe more, and Todd can feel the ache behind his eyes and the weariness in his shoulders starting to build past his tolerance and he knows he’s going to have to break the silence sooner rather than later.

“Ginny,” he says softly, gently prodding her awake at a red light. “Ginny, wake up.”

Ginny jerks, her soft brown hair smushed against the side of her face, eyes startled and wide, reflecting the orange glow of streetlamps and billboards.

“Sorry,” Todd says softly as she exhales deeply and seems to realize where she is. “Do you wanna drive?”

“Hell yeah,” Ginny says, enthused despite her initial sleepy confusion. “Here, pull over at the Wendy’s, we’ll switch.” She’s practically bouncing in her seat with enthusiasm, and Todd will reflect later that maybe that should have been a red flag.

For the time being, however, he just dutifully pulls over and he and Ginny play musical chairs around the front of the van.

She hums happily to herself, adjusting the seat and mirrors while Todd settles into the passenger side. His satisfaction at being able to rest overpowers his initial fears about letting her drive without a license. Getting fined or thrown in jail isn’t exactly where he wants this road trip to end, but he’s honestly tired enough that it seems a fair risk to take.

Ginny starts off well enough, pulling out of the Wendy’s parking lot with the slightly jerky but safe marks of a student driver, and Todd relaxes a little as she merges into the mostly nonexistent traffic, dutifully checking her blind spot. He’s just beginning to doze as they pull out of the end of the town, commercial blocks blending into residential neighbourhoods into brightly lit industrial areas and finally dimming again into darker rural stretches.

Todd’s just on the edge of sleep when he’s jolted against the window, Ginny swerving the car sharply to the right before slamming the breaks as a car roars past them at a quiet country intersection, horn blaring.

“The fuck!” Todd exclaims before he can help himself.

“I didn’t see them!” Ginny says, speeding up again too fast, the van responding jerkily to her less-than-fluid handling.

“Ginny-” Todd says. “I thought you knew how to drive.”

“I do!” Ginny protests, but she sounds nervous. “It’s not my fault your van drives like a boat. I’m used to a smaller car, one made in this century.”

“Look out!” Todd says as Ginny swerves and narrowly misses a street sign. “Okay, no, this isn’t working. Pull over.”

“But-” Ginny protests.

“Pull. Over.” Todd says, having to physically stop himself from grabbing the wheel.

He catches Ginny pouting at him in the rear view mirror as she pulls over to the shoulder of the road and she slams the door on her way out. “I don’t get why I even bothered knocking myself out if you’re not going to let me drive,” she huffs, crawling into the backseat and making herself comfortable on top of Charlie’s bag.

“That was when I thought you knew how to drive enough to negate the fact that this is super illegal.” Ginny flips him off before flopping down and disappearing from view

“Fuck,” Todd mutters under his breath. He’s not even close to being alert enough to drive, Ginny’s not an option, Steven’s knocked himself out with cough syrup and Charlie is-

Todd turns in his seat. Charlie is half on top of Steven and sound asleep in the middle row, beret slipped off and crushed against his cheek.

Todd sucks up his pride and starts prodding Charlie in the leg. “Charlie? Hey, wake up, you need to drive.”

He comes to with a jerk. “I’m awake!” He blurts, eyes still unfocused and sleepy. Steven makes an unintelligible noise and nuzzles into Charlie’s shoulder and it’s so fucking Hallmark card cute that Todd might throw up.

Charlie suddenly seems to realize that it was Todd who woke him up, eyes finally coming into focus. “My turn to drive?” He asks, stretching his arms over his head and groaning. “Okay, I’m awake, I’m up.” He unbuckles his seatbelt, hesitates for a second, and then takes off Steven’s AV club jacket, draping it over Steven before gently removing his glasses and sticking them in the pocket.

Steven makes a weird bleary half awake noise and Charlie shushes him and kisses him on the forehead twice, before climbing over him and into the driver’s seat.

“Here,” Todd says, handing Charlie the half empty and mostly flat bottle of coke he and Ginny had been drinking earlier. “It’ll help.”

Charlie raises an eyebrow at him, but he’s significantly less terrifying than Todd remembers when he has this weird hat hair/bedhead combo going on.

“Just drink it. Isn’t there a Lana song about flat coke or something?”

Charlie chugs the rest of the bottle and hands it back to Todd, making a face. “Are you insinuating my pussy tastes like pepsi cola?” He asks casually, turning the keys in the ignition.

“What the fuck!?” Todd blurts. “What, I wouldn’t, I’m not-No!”

Charlie gives him a quizzical look. “Oh shit, you meant Diet Mountain Dew didn’t you? Shit.” He does a weird little cough thing which is clearly an attempt to keep himself from laughing and Todd glares at him. Or at least he tries to, but he can feel it coming out more like a frown than anything else.

“My pussy tastes like pepsi cola,” Charlie mutters to himself, biting back a laugh. “When Steven and I get married, please do not tell this story at our wedding.”

“You mean if.”

“Huh?” Charlie flips the turn signal, even though the town is completely empty, and checks over his shoulder before pulling back onto the road. For all his faults, Charlie Dalton is at least a reasonably responsible driver.

“You said _when_ you and Steven get married. You’ve only been dating for like a week, don’t you think saying stuff like that kind of...you know?”

“What, jinxes it?” Charlie makes a face. “I don’t really subscribe to that shit.”

They drive in silence for a while, random small towns and gas stations and motels repeating like a wrapping paper pattern. Todd nods off a little against the window, but keeps jerking awake every time he gets close to actual sleep.

“We’ve talked about it, actually,” Charlie says, quietly, an indefinite amount of time later. “Not like, at length. I mean we don’t have a _theme_ or anything. Though we’re both against destination weddings. Who wants all your friends and family at the same place you’re honeymooning?”

“Um,” Todd says, wiping some drool off of his cheek.

“And I mean,” Charlie says, a little more confidently, “I’ve definitely thought about more stuff, but we haven’t really talked about it yet. Like, who gets what last name.” He must see the look Todd is giving him out of the corner of his eye because he stiffens back up. “What?”

“Uh, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but you guys have been dating for a week. A _week_. Seven days. I don’t know how many hours that is, but it’s not a lot.”

“Yeah and how much time have you spent with Neil in the last five years? And now you’re crossing state lines on a misguided scavenger hunt to try and find him. Who’s the crazy one now?”

Charlie doesn’t even sound mad, and it makes Todd feel like shit. They lapse back into silence while Todd finds the courage to say something.

“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You make him really, really happy and that’s all I care about,” he says finally

“Oh my god, can we not do this?” Charlie says. “Please, can we not do the Edward/Jacob heart-to-heart in the tent while Bella pretends to be asleep? It’s fine, I don’t care what you think you know about me, or about Steven, or about me and Steven.”

“Wait, am I Jacob in this metaphor? That doesn’t even make sense,” Todd says, offended.

“Okay, first of all, John Green, it’s an allegory and second of all I’m sure as hell not Jacob so yeah, you’re Jacob. Deal with it.”

Todd assumes Charlie is done, but he just keeps going, blurting,“And that’s not even the point look, the point is that, when I was a kid I was really obsessed with this book of optical illusions at the library. I took it out like once a week and it had all these different ones, like weird pictures that moved when you looked at them for a long time and the picture that looks like people in profile but you can also see the vase. You know, stuff like that.”

“Is this going somewhere?” Todd asks, shutting up when Charlie shoots him a look.

“Yeah, it’s going somewhere. Where it’s going is that there was this one picture, and I could never figure it out, like it was just a rabbit, right? And no matter if I flipped the book upside down or stared at it for hours, I couldn’t see anything else. But then everyone else kept telling me that it was a duck, right? And I thought they were all idiots and didn’t know what they were talking about. And then—then one day I saw the duck. It was there the whole time, I just didn’t see it.”

There’s not really anything he can say to that, but Charlie gives him a soft look like he’s waiting for Todd to respond to this confession.

“Wait, am I the duck in this metaphor?” Steven says from behind them, very much not asleep anymore.

“Shhhh, Bella you’re supposed to be sleeping.” Charlie says. “Go back to bed.”

“Yeah, I’m also supposed to have hypothermia and be cuddled by a naked man, you really didn’t think this whole thing through very well,” Steven says, leaning up and kissing Charlie just below his ear before flopping back in his seat dramatically.

“Does this make me Seth Clearwater?” Ginny calls from the backseat.

“I hate all of you,” Charlie says and puts his mixtape back on in retaliation.

 

xvi.

They stop at a little after 3:30 am to get gas, and despite Charlie’s insistence that he’s fine to keep going, Steven announces that he’ll drive the next section.

“Here,” Steven says, digging some money out of his wallet and thrusting it at Todd. “Can you get me a water and a coke and something to eat that’s not barbecue flavoured?”

“Aww, I can get it,” Charlie says, but Steven just shushes him and hands him the gas nozzle and Charlie makes a big show of pouting and making puppy dog eyes.

Ginny hops out of the van, a little unsteady and off-balance from sleep, and she looks very young in the orange light. They’re the only people at the pumps, and Todd doesn’t even see anyone inside the tiny convenience store.

“You doing okay?” He says to Ginny, who is completely bleary-eyed and huddled inside a too-big turquoise and purple windbreaker Todd is 99% sure belonged to Charlie at some point.

“Hrnnnn,” Ginny mumbles instead of answering.

“And be back in 8 minutes!” Steven calls from behind them. “I don’t want to get off schedule!”

The fluorescent lights inside are just on the wrong side of too bright after hours on dark back roads, and Ginny throws her hood over her head before skulking off to the chips aisle. There’s one lone cashier tucked behind the counter with a paperback Grisham novel, who eyes them with moderate interest for a moment before going back to their book.

Todd’s mostly on autopilot, grabbing items at random without really looking at them too closely. He feels more tired here in the bright lights than he did in the van, attempting to fall asleep to the sound of Lana Del Rey singing about how her old man is a thief.

Ginny materializes at his side with a bag of fritos, looking mildly more coherent. “We should probably get back before Steven starts to fret and Charlie gets all frowny about it.”

Despite having taken almost 4 more minutes than their allotted 8, Steven is surprisingly non-fretful when they make their way back to the van with 2 bags filled with a truly random assortment of drinks, chips, candy and packaged cookies.

Although Todd supposes it is a bit hard to fret when you’ve got someone’s tongue in your mouth.

“Seriously?” Ginny says, catching sight of Steven and Charlie pressed up against the van, and each other. “We’ve only been gone for like 5 minutes.”

“Six and a half,” Steven says, a little breathlessly. They’re not kissing anymore but they’ve got their foreheads pressed together, eyes locked on each other. Charlie laughs a little, more an exhale than anything else. He rubs Steven’s cheek with the back of two knuckles and says something so quiet that Todd doesn’t catch it, but it makes Steven laugh and smile, all soft and warm and open and-

Todd has to take a few deep breaths and look away, tears pricking at his eyes unexpectedly. He feels like his heart is beating lopsidedly and he thinks he might throw up, breaths coming out sharp and jagged.

“Todd?” Ginny says, voice sounding gentle and concerned. “Are you okay?”

He tries to nod but he’s too far gone, and he’s just on the edge of hyperventilating and his vision is blurring so badly he knows he’s seconds away from losing it completely.

“Hey, hey,” Charlie says, and he was just over by the van door but now he’s guiding Todd away from it with one arm around his shoulder and the other hand on Todd’s arm.

“Here, okay just sit. You’re fine,” Charlie says in calm level tones and half-guides Todd down onto the cold concrete parking barrier at the far end of the gas station parking lot. “Just keep breathing.”

Todd tries to nod, gulping in cold lungfuls of air. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he chants. In and out and in and out and in and out until he doesn’t feel like he’s going to die anymore. Or at least that he’s not going to die that second.

Charlie hands him a plastic bottle of water, and he’s thankful Charlie`s already taken the top off so he doesn't have to fumble with it. “Fucking sucks,” Charlie says sympathetically, sitting down beside him as Todd gulps water. He doesn’t say anything else, and he doesn’t need to. You don’t get that good at calming someone down without a lot of practice.

“So,” Charlie says and waits.

“He doesn’t love me, does he?” Todd says, and his voice barely even shakes. He’s never said it out loud before. Never even really let himself think it. But it’s always been there, in the back of his mind. That all of this, the puzzle and the prank and every little glance and moment and smile had all meant, secretly, that Neil loved him. Always had. The way Todd has always loved him.

Charlie rubs the back of his neck. “I mean-”

“What am I even doing? Why am I at a fucking gas station in the middle of the night chasing after someone I barely even know? Because we’re not like you. Me and Neil are not the fucking rabbit and the duck. We’re not anything. We’re people who used to know each other a long time ago, and that’s it, isn’t it? We’ll never be like you and Steven, we’ll never be in love, cause that isn’t where this is going. It’s never where this was going.”

Charlie exhales slowly. “Fuck. I need a cigarette.”

“What am I doing?” Todd says again, rubbing his fringe off his sweaty forehead.

“Look, it’s not that simple,” Charlie says, fingers drumming nervously on his thighs. “I don’t think Neil knows what the fuck he wants or thinks or feels, and he’d rather stick people in little glass boxes because they can’t disappoint him if he keeps everyone at arm’s length.” Charlie laughs, and it’s so bitter that it’s hard to believe he’s the same person now as he was with Steven under the soft orange light. “It’s not even his fault, either. It’s the only way he knows to love people.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Yeah,” Charlie says. “Yeah, it is.”

Todd finishes the rest of the water. His adrenaline spike is wearing off, and he’s starting to get cold, rubbing away the goosebumps on his arms. “You said you never felt that way about Neil.”

“This may come as a shock to you, but I am an incredible liar,” Charlie says, rubbing his thighs. “Fuck. I really picked the wrong month to quit smoking.”  He digs a pack of lifesavers out of his pocket and pops three in his mouth. “You want one?” He asks, and Todd shakes his head. They sit in silence for a while, broken only by Charlie unwrapping more lifesavers. He feels heavy, like he’s been weighed down by all the layers of himself Charlie has pulled back and shown to him.

“I’m sorry,” Todd says eventually, and it feels too hollow, too light for where they are.

“Don’t be. Neil’s eyes were never the right kind of brown anyway.” Charlie stands up and Todd knows that’s the last they’re going to talk about it.

And if he wraps himself up tighter in Steven’s jacket, well, they don’t have to talk about that either

Steven’s fussing over the map in the front seat. “I think I found an even better route,” he says, voice just a shade too cheerful as Charlie climbs into the front seat and Todd into the back.

“You are a genius, Steven Meeks,” Charlie says, and Steven rolls his eyes but lets Charlie kiss him anyway, because of course he knows. Steven always does.

Todd’s so exhausted that he gives up on the buckle after a few fumbled attempts, collapsing against the window. Ginny presses up against his side, hand finding his and giving it a squeeze. She smells like vanilla and something spicy, cloves maybe. “I know,” she whispers and Todd believes her.

xvii.

Todd dozes lightly, waking up to catch bits of conversation- Steven laughing, Ginny and Charlie singing along to the radio -before drifting back off again. He doesn’t even realize he’s drifted off farther than that until he jerks awake to Steven tapping him gently on the knee. It’s just barely edging up on daylight, but it’s slightly overcast, setting everything off in soft grey.

“Hey,” he says blinking, eyes still blurry and unfocused from sleep. “Are we there?”

“Almost. We thought we should get some breakfast first though, is that alright?”

Todd sits up. His neck feels all pulled out of whack, and his mouth is dry and gross. “Breakfast sounds amazing, honestly.”

“Okay good,” Steven says. “Because I think Ginny and Charlie would have revolted if you had said no. And I need coffee in the next five minutes or I think I’m going to die.”

“How was driving?” Todd asks, narrowly avoiding smacking his forehead on the van door.

“Fine. Boring. I want to sleep for 12 hours,” Steven says, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. His eyes seem puffier than normal.

The day is a little hazy in the early morning sun, but it’ll clear up soon enough. The world feels big and quiet and empty, barely any cars passing on the highway in front of the diner they’re parked in front of. They’ve clearly gone for the nostalgia factor, and the inside is all chrome and checkerboard floors. Charlie and Ginny are already camped out in a booth by the window, leaned in close together over the table taking selfies.

“You guys are ridiculous,” Todd says, sliding in beside Ginny as she settles back into her seat.

She holds her phone out to him so he can see the picture, her and Charlie both smiling bright and looking much more attractive than anyone who has been in a minivan for the last 4 hours has any right to be.

“Chris wanted updates to know we weren’t dead. Look cute and alive,” Ginny says,  turning the phone on him. Todd has learned from years of experience that flinching away or refusing to be photographed will just draw it out and make it worse, so he gives Ginny a half-hearted smile. She sees through him anyway though, her mouth tilting in disapproval, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Smile babes,” she says turning her phone on Charlie and Steven, unperturbed by the fact that Steven seems to be set on falling asleep against Charlie’s shoulder. Or maybe not, as he lifts a hand to flip her off without opening his eyes, even while Charlie grins.

“Awwwww, save that one for the scrapbook,” Ginny says and texts a copy to half a dozen people, including Todd if the buzzing at his hip is any indication.

“Did you change your shirt?” Todd asks, distinctly remembering Charlie having started the trip in a tank-top with a sloth on it, not a raglan jersey proclaiming ‘RIP GENDER BINARY,’ but honestly he’s still tired enough to doubt that recollection.

Ginny rolls her eyes. “He also spent like ten minutes doing his hair in the bathroom. You know, because it takes a lot of effort to create that tousled, just-woken-up look when you’re all tousled and have just woken up.”

For all intents and purposes, Charlie’s hair looks exactly the same, but this is clearly a _thing_ so Todd decides not to say anything and busies himself looking at the menu. Part of him thinks he should just get coffee and maybe a bagel or some toast. Whatever’s quickest. But he’s running on Jolly Ranchers and Hot Cheetos, so the idea of actual breakfast wins.

Also they have blueberry pancakes, and even the rescue of his childhood best friend can wait on that.

The server wanders over, looking more perky than anyone who is awake at this hour really has the right to be. Or, alternatively, maybe she’s been up long enough that she’s basically delirious. Either way, their food arrives quickly and it’s only after she’s disappeared into the kitchen that Todd thinks to ask if she’s ever seen Neil around.

“I think it’s worth asking,” Charlie says, shoveling poached eggs onto a piece of toast. Seriously, _poached eggs_ , like he’s an 80-year-old grandfather or something. “Ginny, do you have any pictures on your phone of Neil?”

She shoots him a weird look over her waffles. “Do you really not have any photos of your best friend on your phone?”

Charlie looks a little sheepish. “I deleted them all a while back and I don’t think I have any new ones.”

Steven, looking much less dead now that he’s chugged some truly terrible diner coffee, scoots even closer up against Charlie’s side. Charlie smiles at him weakly before tucking an arm around the curve of Steven’s shoulder.

Todd always feels a little guilty being around them. Every interaction between them is steeped in an intimacy he’d never even known had existed before prom. He knows there’s layers and layers of history between them that Steven never told him, and probably never will.

He feels even guiltier in hindsight for bringing Charlie on this trip, even though he can’t exactly imagine a scenario in which Charlie would have stayed behind.

Still, having more than just one person who _wasn’t_ even a little bit in love with Neil Perry probably would have resulted in at least two less breakdowns.

Ginny flushes slightly. “Sorry. Wasn’t thinking. I think I have a couple on my phone I can show her. Though he might be wearing stage makeup in...most of them, actually.”

“Text Gerard. He’s on the yearbook committee, he can send you his school picture,” Steven says.

“Is that a little...against the rules?” Charlie asks.

Steven shrugs. “Probably. But he has a crush on Ginny, so he’ll do it if she asks.”

“No he doesn’t,” Ginny says, already texting him. “Does he? I thought he was with what’s-her-face, the short one?”

“I think that was just a prom and making-out-at-parties kind of thing,” Charlie says.

“Arguably that means nothing,” Todd interjects, mostly joking.“You guys were kind of a prom and making-out-at-parties kind of thing.”

“No we weren’t,” Charlie snaps at exactly the same time Steven says, significantly calmer, “That’s not an accurate comparison.”

Ginny heaves herself over Todd and out of the booth, because apparently just asking him to get up was too much effort. “You guys are gross. I’m going to find the waitress.”

The waitress, Yvonne, recognizes Neil immediately and tells Ginny that he’s been in at least half a dozen times in the last few days, but she hasn’t seen him since the day before last. It’s equal parts encouraging and discouraging, and Todd can feel his heart racing when Ginny reports this back to them. Whether it’s out of fear or anticipation, he’s not quite sure.

“Well, at least we know we’re in the right place,” Steven says. “What do you want to do, Todd? The clue, the book, it’s all pointing toward the actual pond, but I looked up all the motels and hotels in the area too. Where should we start?”

“Walden,” Todd says firmly, surprising himself a little. “Definitely. He’ll be there.”

Steven gives him a look Todd can’t read, but nods anyway, typing something into his phone. Charlie, who’d volunteered to collect their checks, returns with a handful of lollipops and tosses them on the table. Ginny immediately dives for the red one, unperturbed by the fact that neither Todd nor Steven had made any move towards them.

“We’re all paid up,” Charlie says, and holds up a hand to cut off Steven. “Nope. I’m not hearing it. Nothing makes me happier than spending my shitty parents’ money, especially on you.”

“Wow thanks,” Ginny says around her sucker, shoving the extras in her bag as they stand up to leave.

“That was a _vous_ you,” Charlie clarifies, holding the front door open. “You were included in that. Besides, I’ve been single-handedly funding your Starbucks addiction for the last three years, you’re not allowed to complain.” But he reaches over and slings an arm over her shoulder anyway, pressing a kiss into her hair. “You’re still my best girl, Ginnybean.”

“You wanna drive?” Steven asks. “The GPS is still all hooked up.”

Todd nods, crossing over towards the driver’s side.

“Shotgun!” Ginny shouts, bursting out from under Charlie’s arm to run to the passenger door. Though there’s no real competition, because Charlie has paused, waiting with his hand outstretched for Steven, who takes it without ever looking up from his phone.

“If I had know this was going to be the new boyfriends PDA road trip, I would have stayed home.” Ginny complains, hopping into the front seat.

“And what, been stuck with Chris and Knox? That’s totally worse,” Todd says. His knees are basically hitting the steering wheel, and he reaches over to adjust the seat with a huff. “You have some freakishly short legs, Steven Meeks,” he mutters, mostly to himself as the aforementioned Steven along with Charlie tumble into the backseat.

Todd’s hands tremble just slightly as he sticks the keys into the ignition. Fear and excitement course through him in equal measure. He’s so close, so close to finding Neil and he can finally…

He can finally…

Panic swells in him, bursting hot and bright red just under his skin. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do, what he’s going to say, god, what _Neil’s_ going to say. It had all seemed so far away until now. Until…

“Todd?” Ginny asks, “Are you okay?”

Todd stares blankly ahead, knowing if he looks at her he’ll start crying or shaking and it’ll be last night all over again. He swallows.

Neil is somewhere out there. Somewhere _here_ , and even though finding him is what Todd wants more than anything, he’s been so focused on actually finding Neil that he hadn’t even had time to panic about what would happen when he actually found him.

Well, better late than never, Todd supposes.

He forces himself to take two deep breaths, like Knox is always doing. He’s getting at least four steps ahead of himself. They haven’t even found Neil yet.

“I can drive,” Charlie says from the backseat, and that’s enough to snap Todd out of it. It’s just Neil, he can do this. Or at the very least he can drive the fucking car, and that’s enough for him.

“I’m good,” he says, and it sounds almost completely believable. “Let’s go.”

He pulls out of the diner parking lot, and that’s the end of that.

_Ready or not_ , Todd thinks, _here I come._

 

xviii.

It’s not that far to Walden from the diner, and they drive in relative silence except for the automated female voice of the GPS. Ginny’s got her nose in her phone, texting rapid-fire with someone, but everytime Todd tries to glance over, she tips the screen away from him.

In the backseat Steven has fallen asleep against Charlie, who is gazing out the window, clearly lost in thought. Todd doesn’t blame him, it isn’t exactly every day you drive overnight to track down your runaway best friend/ex-crush with his ex-fake girlfriend, his ex-best friend, and your new boyfriend.

God, it was practically a soap opera waiting to happen.

Todd’s stomach flips over in fear and excitement as they pass the sign for the turn off and he eases himself into the exiting lane.

They’re all quiet as he crawls slowly down a gravel path and into a parking lot, only a handful of cars there this early in the morning. The silence feels heavy and sacred and Todd’s scared to break it, to make the first move as he takes the key out of the ignition.

It’s a relief when Ginny’s phone buzzes and shatters it completely.

“So,” Charlie says, leaning up between the two front seats. “I guess we should get out and look?”

“Yeah,” Todd says. “Yeah.” One hand’s on the door handle, but he doesn’t move. It’s oddly reminiscent of his first and only time at summer camp, when he’d climbed up the high dive only to balk at how far the drop really was. He’d been stuck at the top for over an hour, more unwilling to jump due to the audience watching him rather than the height.

He’d jumped, eventually. But only when all the other boys had swum off, his lack of reaction to their cheers and taunts growing disinteresting.  

One deep breath. One long pause. Time to jump.

It’s far too anticlimactic, the crunch of his shoes on the white gravel of the parking lot and the slam of the minivan doors as Charlie and Ginny emerge, Steven still asleep in the backseat, evidently not coming with them. It wasn’t surprising, he was really only there for Charlie’s benefit. And maybe his too, Todd thinks, if he’s being generous.

“So,” Charlie says, pulling out a pair of sunglasses Todd doesn’t even want to know how he crammed into his skinny jeans. “What’s the plan?”

“Oh,” Todd says. “I guess I just thought we could...spread out?”

“There’s an info booth,” Ginny supplies helpfully. “I can see if it’s open, ask if anyone’s seen Neil.”

Todd’s not sure why suddenly he’s the expert, that they’re looking to him like he had any more of a plan than just getting here. “Sure. Sounds good.”

Charlie watches Ginny tromp off across the parking lot, hands planted on his hips.“God, even as a fake girlfriend she was way too good for him.”

“Yeah,” Todd says hollowly, not really knowing how to respond. His feelings for Neil have always been complicated, even before he went missing, but overnight they seemed to have muddied themselves tenfold. Frustration and anger and sadness mingling with nostalgia and longing and love. Neil himself, too, seems to get more and more confusing, Todd’s memories of him more compromised the closer he seems to be to finding him.

Charlie seems just as lost in thought as Todd does, and without any discussion he breaks off, striding across the parking lot as if drawn by a sound only he can hear, leaving Todd to follow the walking path that branches off from the lot.

He passes a lone jogger and a couple of people walking their dogs, but in the early morning Walden feels lonely and wide and ancient. It feels like Neil.

Todd wanders, feeling calmer than he can remember feeling in years, almost forgetting why he’s even here, but it feels less urgent now. Neil will either be here or he won’t, he understands that now. That this pull he feels between them, a red string of fate that tangles them together, there’s nothing he’s ever been able to do to change it. That he needs to just stand out of his own way for a while and let things fall where they might.

God, it sounds so easy. But it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, and it’s sharp like a stone in his shoe, ignoring his own urge to over think and under do.

He’s made it to the pond proper, and he feels ancient standing there. Somehow both light and heavy with the knowledge that there’s no magic words, no secret code to unravel Neil and the web between them. The web that links him to Ginny and Charlie and pulled them tight as Neil clipped himself out of their world.

Charlie appears suddenly at his right side, as if by merely thinking of him Todd had conjured him out of thin air. “He’s not here,” Charlie says, voice calm.

“No,” Todd agrees, still gazing over the pond. “Not anymore.”

“Did you really think he would be?” Charlie asks, a dozen more unsaid questions thick in the space between them.

Todd shrugs. “Maybe,” he says, catching sight of Ginny wandering down from the tree line towards them, the news already written in the slightly too tight line of her shoulders.

“The girl at the info desk said she hadn’t seen him since the day before yesterday,” Ginny reports.

“Hmmm.” Todd nods.

“You’re not surprised?” He gives a noncommittal shoulder shrug. “No. Me neither,” she says. “I know what he’s like.”

They stand there for a while. Ginny leans her head against Todd’s shoulder, and it’s so easy to just wrap an arm around her back, not comforting exactly, more a reminder; I’m here and I know and it’s okay, we’ll be okay.

Charlie rests a hand on Todd’s shoulder blade, like they’ve been friends for years. It almost feels like they have been. The flurry of the past week and the drive here seeming to have spanned decades rather than days.

The three of them together, the three of them who love Neil most, here in a place that feels like Neil, his impression still left over everything like a handprint on a foggy window pane. Both here and not here. But somehow, with the three of them together in the warm morning air, still and calm, they finally don’t seem to be wanting for the lack of his presence.

Charlie takes a long deep breath beside Todd, exhaling slowly, eyes shut as if in prayer behind his sunglasses.

They all hear Steven coming, but unexpectedly it’s Ginny who turns first to watch him make his way towards the water’s edge. Todd feels almost guilty that they’d left him behind in the car, that they’d been here, linked up together like a circuit board, this deep presence shared between them.

But then again, Todd thinks, watching Charlie open his eyes, growing back into himself like leaves in the spring as Steven comes closer, that he probably wouldn’t have felt it anyways.

“I take it you didn’t find anything,” Steven says, so loud after the church-like silence they’d been inhabiting.

Todd shakes his head, turning to head back up to the path, wanting to stay longer but knowing that their moment is over and, more importantly, that they need to head back soon before their disappearance starts to raise alarm.

“You have a nice nap?” Charlie asks, sounding relatively cheerful but gratefully melting into Steven’s side all the same.

“Five star hotel accommodations,” Steven says, rolling his eyes. “Todd, speaking of, I have a list of all the local motels, we could start checking those if you’d like. Or we could check out some more restaurants or local shops, see if he’s been anywhere else around town.”

Ginny looks to Todd first and then Charlie. “No, I think we’re good. You wanna head home?”

“Yeah. He’s not here,” Todd says. “You good, Charlie?”

“Totally. Let’s blow this popsicle stand,” Charlie says.

Steven looks confused, and for a long second it seems like he’s going to argue against it before he relents. “Sure. Okay. It’s your road trip. I’m just the planner.”

“Besides,” He adds, looking at Charlie conspiratorily, “we all know I’m only here for the refreshments anyway.”

They both laugh, Charlie first with Steven joining in, clutching at each other. Ginny makes a face. “No one wants to hear your dumb inside couple jokes,” she sing-songs, catching up with Todd. “Ugh, they’re gross.”

“Truly disgusting,” Todd confirms.

“Ouch. You’ve wounded my ego!” Charlie cries out from behind them. “Babe, are you just gonna let them slander my virtue like that?”

“Virtue?” Steven deadpans, the outline of cars in the parking lot just visible beyond the line of trees.

“Oh, fuck you.”

“I think that’s kinda what he meant,” Ginny adds.

“Hey! You’re _my_ friend.” Charlie pouts. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Hmm, I’m changing camps,” Ginny says, breaking off to link her arm through Steven’s. “So what’s this about Gerard having a crush on me?”

“Oh, that,” Steven says, Charlie huffing after the pair of them like a moody little boy. “I can’t believe you didn’t know, it’s been ages.”

“Can you believe them?” Charlie says to Todd as they near the van, the parking lot filled with at least twice the number of cars they left it with, white gravel crunching under their feet. Steven’s launched into some long-winded explanation of the mating habits of one Gerard Pitts, and Charlie smirks at Todd knowingly as he climbs back into the backseat of the van.

“Shotgun!” Ginny calls, pulling away from Steven and running for the front door even though she has no real competition.

“You sure about this?” Steven says, eyes soft and worried. “I know Charlie’s, well...he’s-”

“I know,” Todd says. “But I am too. It’s time to move on.”

Steven claps him on the shoulder, and then, unexpectedly pulls him into a tight hug, slightly awkward from the height difference, but warm and sincere.

“God, what a fucking weird week,” Steven says as they break apart. “I can’t believe we’re graduating in-” he looks at his watch, “eight hours?”

Todd can’t believe it either. His life in the last two weeks had narrowed to a pin prick of focus around Neil. It seems impossible that his future will hold anything else.

“Let’s go!” Ginny calls out the passenger side window, leaning over to honk on the horn once for emphasis.

“You ready?” Steven asks.

“Yeah.” Todd says, taking one more glance around Walden, the trees, the pond. He folds the feeling up tightly and tucks it in his heart beside the well-worn memories of Neil. “Yeah. Let’s go home.”

 

xix.

It’s so anticlimactic it’s almost funny.

Todd pulls the van out of the parking lot, Ginny fiddling with the radio in between frantic texts to whom Todd can only assume is Gerard. In the backseat, Charlie’s attempting to read the paperback novel Steven had brought along over his shoulder, snitting at him as Steven goes to turn the page too quickly,

“Soooo,” Ginny says, finally settling on a radio station. “Graduation. Terrifying?”

Todd glances at her, sprawled comfortably in the passenger seat, having ended up with a pair of star-shaped aviator sunglasses he strongly suspects belong to Charlie. “Not really. Well, kind of, I guess. The future is terrifying, but graduation is just…” He trails off and shrugs. “It’s mostly sitting around in a room with no air conditioning in weird hats. So that part’s not really the scary bit.”

Ginny chews on her bottom lip, contemplatively. “I wish I was graduating. I’m going to be stuck here with all the juniors. They’re all boring.”

“They’re not that bad,” Charlie says from the backseat. “Besides, you’ll be so sick of us after this summer you’ll be dying to get us out of your hair.” He leans up between the arm rest and ruffles her hair, and Ginny squeaks with indignation.

“Oh my god, fuck off Chaz,” she says, pulling away and flipping down the mirror from the sun visor to inspect the damage. “Respect the hair.”

“Chaz? Since when does anyone call you that?” Steven asks, and Charlie flushes red on the tips of his ears and flops back into his seat, the ancient seat belt protesting a little bit.

“He thought he was very cool in seventh grade,” Ginny says, waving a hand. “Tried to get it to catch on. Can’t imagine why it didn’t.”

“Chaz Dalton,” Todd says, looking over his shoulder to check his blind spot. “Put that on the wedding invites.”

Charlie huffs, “I was twelve! C’mon, this is ancient history. Let’s talk about something a little bit more relevant, like what’s happening with Miss Danbury and one Gerard Pitts, hmmm?”

“Don’t try and change the subject,” Ginny says, her feigned nonchalance ruined only by the blush creeping across her face. “We’re just texting, it’s not even a thing.”

“Leave the poor girl alone, Chaz,” Steven says, going back to his book. “We’ve got all summer to make fun of her, no need to rush into it.”

“Tooddddd,” Ginny whines. “I cannot believe you’re letting them bully me like this.”

“I’m the driver,” Todd says. “All I can do is threaten to turn this car around.”

“Useless, the lot of you,” she says, turning back to her phone. “On a completely unrelated note, what food would you bring to a Fourth of July barbecue when you want to let a dude know you’re picking up what he’s putting down?”

Todd catches sight of Charlie wrinkling his nose in the backseat. “Is there such a thing as romantic barbecue food? It’s all just like, grilled meats and cold salads.”

“Gerard’s a vegetarian, darling,” Steven says, still engrossed in his novel.

“So just cold salads then.”

Ginny frowns. “Cold salads are not sexy.”

“Maybe not like, potato salad, but something fancy with like, quinoa or kale or whatever suburban moms are into now. That’ll definitely win his heart over.”

“I’m with Ginny. Cold salads are not sexy,” Steven says.

“Not even macaroni salad?” Todd says, having settled into a comfortable autopilot on the still-quiet morning roads, mind focused on thoughts of summer and graduation and the relative sexiness of cold salads. Todd doesn’t even see him at first when he glances at a road sign on the other side of the highway, he’s just there, a familiar shape in his peripheral vision.

“Hmmmm. Yeah, I guess I could probably be wooed by a good macaroni salad,” Ginny agrees, as Todd’s brain slams back into focus, registering what he just saw.

“Holy shit!” He exclaims, doing an aggressive double take over his shoulder, pulling the van into a slightly dangerous and most definitely illegal u-turn into the other lane. He hears Ginny exclaim, the force of the turn shoving her against the door and Steven and Charlie thudding heavily against each other in the backseat. He straightens the van back out, coming to a halting stop on the shoulder of the road.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Todd! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Charlie shouts, but Todd can barely hear him over the sound of blood rushing in his ears. He fumbles with his seatbelt, hands too clumsy, eyes too wild, and half falls out of the van in his haste.

“Neil!” He calls, heart pounding and hands shaking as he jolts around the front of the van, just a few metres away from where Neil Perry is standing, looking like his own goddamn ghost. His hair is a little longer than he usually wears it, one dark piece curling over his ear, eyes startled and wide, but it’s him. It’s him. It’s him.

“Neil! Oh my god, Neil!” Ginny says, Todd not even having heard her come out of the van, and she shoves past him to throw her arms around his neck, Neil still rooted to the spot in shock.

“Neil, Neil,” she babbles, pulling away, tears in her eyes. “Oh my god, you’re fine. You’re okay.” She reaches up to touch his face and he flinches, pulls away, and it’s enough to snap him out of his stupor.

“What are you doing here?” He says, voice a little rough around the edges from emotion or disuse, Todd can’t tell. “How did you even - why did you - what the fuck? Why the fuck are you here? You’re supposed to be graduating,” he blurts out, looking past Ginny towards Todd.

“Yeah, so are you,” Charlie says, having flanked Todd’s side, Steven hovering nervously behind him.

“No I’m not,” Neil says. “How did you even - what are you doing here?”

“Oh you know,” Steven says. “We just thought we’d take a little drive out to Massachusetts the morning before graduation, as you do.”

Neil blinks at Steven, looking over at Todd for answers. “Um, what is Meeks doing here?”

“ _Steven_ ,” Charlie answers for him, “is here because he is the one who figured out your bullshit scavenger hunt.”

“Oh my god,” Neil says. “You’re _together_ aren’t you? I’m gone for two weeks and you finally get the nerve to do something about your puppy dog crush on Meeks? I’d have left ages ago if I’d have known you’d gotten your act together.” He’s smiling, but there’s something slightly menacing about it.

“Yeah, ha ha, I’m an idiot. What else is new. Look, I’ll relive all the dirty details with you later. We’ve got to go,” Charlie says.

“Go? Go where?” Neil asks, surprised. “Listen, it was nice to see you or whatever, but I’m not- I can’t. Look, I have plans, I’m not going home.” He looks at Todd. “Did you tell them I’d come back? Is that what this is? A rescue mission?”

“Neil,” Ginny says again, reaching for his arm. “We were worried about you.”

Neil ignores her, eyes settling into something wild and cold as he looks at Todd. “I told you not to come after me. I _asked_ you not to come after me. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“You _left_ ,” Charlie says, stepping forward. “You just left. You pulled a dumbass prank and made us run around like idiots, and you’re mad we came after you?”

“I didn’t ask you to!” Neil snaps, and Todd didn’t know what he’d expected, hadn’t quite figured out what version of Neil they’d find hidden in the woods, but he’d never imagined this one.

“We’re your friends,” Ginny says. “You could have been dead for all we knew, we just wanted an explanation.”

“I don’t owe you one!” Neil shouts and Ginny flinches, Charlie lunging forward to put himself between them.

“Don’t you dare talk to her like that. You asshole. You fucking prick.” Charlie shoves him in the shoulders, hard. “You think I don’t get it? You think I don’t know what it’s like? You’re not the only one with fucking awful parents! You’re supposed to be our fucking friend!” He says, shoving him again.

“Right,” Neil says, dangerously calm. “Because this is what friends do. If you were my friends you wouldn’t fucking be here. But that’s not really why you’re here right now, is it Charlie?”

Todd doesn’t see it but Steven does, grabbing Charlie by the shoulders and hauling him backwards before he can punch Neil. “You fucking douchebag! You fucking self-absorbed asshole!” Charlie says, voice starting to break into sobs as Steven holds him fast.

“Charlie, hey. Hey, hey, hey,” Steven says soothingly, pressing his face into the side of Charlie’s. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

He stops struggling against Steven’s grip, rough dry sobs dragging up through his throat. The fight draining out of him slower than it came on.

“Who even are you?” Ginny says, face hardened and so much older than sixteen. “You know what, I don’t even care. Because you’re sure as hell not Neil Perry.”

“Why? Because Neil Perry always did the right thing? Fuck what I actually want right? Fuck what I actually need. I need to stick around, go to Harvard, make my parents happy, do whatever the hell it is that will make you happy. Fuck how I feel. Fuck what I want.” He stares them down. “You were supposed to care about me.”  

“We’re not your fucking pawns in your master plan, but god, you’d have to stop thinking about yourself for five minutes to realize that,”  Ginny says. “Do you have the first idea how scared we were when you disappeared? How much we wanted to find you. How fucking hard we worked to crack your bullshit code, and you’re fucking yelling at us. Sorry we care about you, I guess we’re just monsters.”

“I never asked you to do that!” Neil shouts at her, and Ginny takes a step back towards Charlie and Steven, leaving Todd an island against the storm.

“Yeah, you didn’t ask us to come after you, and you sure as hell don’t deserve it.” Charlie says. “You have no fucking idea how little you deserve any of us. God, you act like you’re the only fucking person in the world who’s ever been sad. Newsflash, Perry, the rest of aren’t running off into the fucking woods and hurting the people we care about over it.”

Neil laughs, hollowly. “So what, I should just be like you? Put on a stupid shit-eating grin and say whatever, do whatever, be whatever I have to be to get people to like me?” He glances over at Steven. “Haven’t you put it together yet? Why he wanted you more the moment I was gone?”

Something snaps. Todd wants to say something, but all the words get tangled up in his throat like an unravelling scarf. But in the end he doesn’t have to say anything at all. The whoosh of cars on the highway suddenly too loud, the sun suddenly too bright in the midst of their stunned silence, and it’s Steven who steps forward, absolutely calm, placing himself between Neil and Charlie.

“We’re going now,” he says, and it’s not a question, it’s not up for debate. After a long moment Steven turns his back on Neil, reaches out for Charlie, both of them leaning into the embrace. Steven holds him for a moment, defiant, a hand on his neck, a lingering kiss, before he walks off towards the van and doesn’t look back.

Todd doesn’t move.

“Todd,” Ginny says. “Please, c’mon let’s go.”

He looks over at Neil, arms folded over his chest defensively, but there’s a crack in his posturing, some essence of the boy he knew unerasable despite his best efforts.

“I can’t,” Todd says. “I need-” He starts, not even knowing how to verbalize what it is exactly he still yearns for from Neil Perry, knowing whatever he comes up with will never be enough to explain it.  “I need an explanation,” he finally settles on, setting his jaw defiantly.

“He’ll leave you here. He’s not joking,” Charlie says.

Todd nods. “Yeah, I know.”

Charlie sighs, opens his mouth, before thinking better and exhaling a long breath through his nose.

“Todd,” Ginny says.

“I’ll be fine. I promise.” And she presses her lips together like she doesn’t quite believe him, but she walks off with Charlie all the same.

 

xx.

There’s a long silence as Todd watches them drive off, makes himself wait until he can’t see them anymore, Neil a shadow behind his shoulder.

“Did Steven Meeks just steal your car?” Neil says, disbelieving. “Jesus, Todd, what’s wrong with you?”

“Come on,” he says, ignoring Neil’s question and striding past him, walking in the direction Neil had been walking before, along the side of the highway. Neil takes a moment before continuing after him.

“Wait, you don’t even know where you’re going,” Neil says, half jogging to catch back up.

“Then tell me when to turn,” Todd snaps, kicking up sprays of white gravel with every step. Not letting Neil walk alongside him, forcing him to follow behind. Let Neil be the one trailing after him for once.

“Todd,” Neil says. “Todd, what the hell are you doing?”

He ignores him. Partially because Neil doesn’t particularly deserve an answer, and partially because Todd doesn’t have much of one to give him anyways.

They end up at an unassuming chain motel, Neil directing him up to a room on the upper level at the very far end, beside the ice and vending machines.

“Don’t use that,” Neil says, pointing out the soda machine. “It’ll eat your money.”

“Wasn’t planning on it,” Todd says, waiting while Neil fishes a key card out of his pocket and opens the door.

The room doesn’t matter. Bed, chair, desk, reading lamp. Generically tasteful, the rumpled bed spread and the book on the nightstand the only indication someone is actually using the room.

“This is it,” Neil says, sounding almost nervous, skittering around Todd to fix the sheets, though one end hangs out the bottom despite his best attempts.

They both stare at each other.

“I’m not going to apologize for leaving,” Neil says eventually, sitting down on the desk chair.

Todd waits, arms folded over his chest. He surveys the room a little more. There’s a few more books stacked on the desk, a copy of Walden unsurprisingly, and a handful of official looking letters. They’re torn open along the sides, but stacked carefully alongside a phonebook.

 “Could you please sit down? I feel like I’m being interrogated,” Neil says, rubbing his palms over his jeans.

“You are,” Todd says, turning back toward him, and he’s shocked at his own calmness, not only in the face of this entire trip, but in the face of Neil Perry. “I’m not leaving until I get some answers.”

Neil sighs, running a hand through his hair. “It’s really not that complicated. My parents had my whole life planned out for me, Harvard, medical school, residency, career, wife, kids, golf, death. God, I thought out of everyone you could understand why I didn’t want that. I was trapped if I stayed, so... I left.”

Todd’s ears buzz with anger. “Stop fucking doing that,” he grits out, willing his voice to stay cold and stable. “I’m not stupid, you knew you could get me to do what you wanted because I liked you. You used me, Neil. I would have just done it if you’d asked, but no, you needed to set up this whole scheme. God, did you even mean anything you said to me that night? The cups? The letter? Do I even mean anything to you?”

“Todd,” Neil says, standing. “I-”

“No, shut up for a second and listen to me,” Todd says, heart having relocated into his throat, but he knows if he doesn’t say this now he’ll never say it. “I was in love with you, or maybe not you, but who I thought you were, or maybe who I wanted you to be. And you knew that and you used it against me to get what you wanted. And I kept up my side of it, so now you owe me some answers. Real answers, Neil.”

He clenches his eyes tight for a long moment, hands fists at his sides. When he opens his eyes again Neil is looking up at him, his face open and shocked, his bottom lip jutting softly, eyebrows up in his fringe.

“Todd.” He says softly, like he’s afraid one or both of them will crumble to pieces if he talks too loudly. “I meant them. I did.”

Todd laughs, and god, a year ago, hell, a month ago this would have been the best possible outcome. “Do you even know me enough to mean them?”

“Yes,” Neil frowns, plays with a loose thread on the bedsheet. “Well, okay, I didn’t exactly see you going on some graduation day road trip to retrieve me, so, maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.”

The air conditioning comes on with a loud clang and they both jump, Neil huffing out a laugh to cover the awkwardness. “I know I’m the one being interrogated, but, uh, how did you find me exactly? I mean, I know I left you those clues to leave you the book, but I didn’t realize I’d been so obvious about,” he gestures around the room, “this part.”

“It was mostly Steven,” Todd says. “He figured out you’d written the Thoreau quote from his yearbook over the top of the letter you’d left me, there was still an imprint of some of it. Not that hard to get Walden out of that.”

Neil inhales, hands drumming on his thighs. “That is some first class Nancy Drew sleuthing, you should join the FBI.”

“It’s not funny.”

“I mean, it kind of is,” Neil says, grinning mostly with his eyes. “You road tripped all the way out here with Charlie, who I know you don’t even like, and Ginny, who you don’t even know, in your crappy old van. Like, that’s pretty funny.”

“Yeah, it was super hysterical when we all thought you’d run away to commit suicide and we spent weeks trying to track you down and when we eventually found you, you purposely rubbed salt in the wounds of your best friends to drive them away.”

“That wasn’t-”

“That was _exactly_ what you did to Charlie, don’t you dare pretend otherwise,” Todd continues. “You knew exactly what you needed to say to make him leave.”

“Since when are you and Charlie even friends?”

“Look I’m only going to say this one more time because you really don’t seem to be getting it, but the trauma of your mutual friend disappearing tends to overcome a lot of former animosity.”

Neil looks up at him, big brown puppy dog eyes and Todd’s caught somewhere between wanting to punch him and wanting to kiss him. “I didn’t want that to happen. Traumatizing you guys. Especially not you.”

“Yeah, well, we don’t always get what we want, Neil.”

Neil runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I know. God, believe me, I know. And I didn’t mean- what I said earlier, I just- I mean you just showed up out of fucking nowhere and scared the crap out of me. And I just couldn’t, I couldn’t stand the three of you standing there and I knew if anyone could get me to come back it would be you and Charlie and Ginny and- Todd, fuck, I can’t, okay? I can’t go back. I’m trapped there.”

“Okay, awesome,” Todd says, feeling his anger and hurt rise to the surface again.  “None of that is any sort of fucking excuse for how you treated us. Ginny pretended to be your girlfriend for almost _two years_ so you didn’t have to deal with your parents. Charlie is your best friend and you threw his feelings back in his face and then you, what, tried to sabotage his relationship with Steven while you were at it? You are not allowed to treat them like that. I don’t care how shitty you think your life in Welton was, you don’t get to use your pain as an excuse to hurt the people who love you.”

Neil ducks his head, stares at his clasped hands dangling loosely between his knees, a paradox of sharp angles held together by loose limbs. “I couldn’t let you take me back, okay?”

“Do you think that’s why we’re here? You’re an adult, you’re allowed to make your own decisions. No matter how shitty and fucked up they might be.”

“Thanks,” Neil says drily. “I do actually have a plan, you know.”

“Uh, I don’t actually,” Todd says. “And I’m not sure skulking around sites of literary importance counts as a plan.”

Neil raises an eyebrow at him. “Who are you and what have you done with Todd Anderson?”

Todd sighs. “Fuck if I know.” The fight’s starting to drain out of him, the adrenaline from his anger starting to cool off.

“Anyways, this is just step one,” Neil says excitedly, sounding more like the boy Todd knew, or thought he knew. “Wanted to spend some time in the wilderness before I give it all up for the concrete jungle.”

“What?” Todd says, but his phone interrupts him before he can question Neil any further, the electronic jingle more piercing than usual in the stillness of the motel. Todd pulls his phone out of his pocket and stares at it for a second, unsure whether or not he should answer it.

Neil looks at him for a long moment, and then shrugs as if to say ‘go ahead.’

“Uh, hello?” Todd says, pressing the phone to his ear. Neil’s turned his eyes away, as if to give him some illusion of privacy in the tiny room.

“Todd! Oh thank god you’re okay,” Charlie’s voice booms at him. “I’m so sorry we left you there. I tried to get Steven to come back and get you but he’s-he’s super pissed.”

Todd hears Steven say something unintelligible but angry sounding in the background and Charlie shushes him before continuing.“Anyways, we’re back at that diner. Are you okay? Where are you?”

“Uh,” Todd says, “some motel. I’m with Neil still.” He looks over at Neil, still politely pretending not to eavesdrop. “I can find the address or something if you gimme a minute.”

“Nah, that’s okay, Steven has a list of all the motels, remember? He’s very efficient-” he pauses. “ _Sorry babe, what? Oh, yeah, I’ll ask him_ ” Charlie says, pulling away from the phone for a moment to answer Steven.

“Uh hey, Todd? When do you think you’re going to be done there? Cause, uh, we need to go. Like, very soon.”

He looks over at Neil, who’s given up the pretense of ignoring his conversation and is looking at Todd intently. “Can you give me like twenty more minutes?”

“Sure, Todd,” Charlie says, sounding soft. “I’ll hold them off as long as I can. No rush.”

Either way, it’s not enough time. He knows that. But Todd also knows that they’d need more time than he can afford to sort through everything between the two of them. Hours, days even. So really, what would have been the point in asking for more time when even hours wouldn’t get him past the tip of the iceberg.

“Charlie, are you okay?” Todd says, eyes set hard on Neil. “And Ginny? Is she alright?”

Neil, for all his flaws, at least has the decency to look guilty, and it’s not a lot but it’s something.

“Yeah, Gin’s pretty tough. She’s a little shaken up, but mostly okay.” He pauses. “I’m, well...I’m already pretty fucked up, so like, this isn’t like, this isn’t going to be like, some new trauma or anything. I’m well-versed in Neil Perry’s particular brand of assholery. I know he didn’t mean it. Mostly.”

“Okay,” Todd says. Charlie’s usual mix of self-depreciation and brutal honesty always puts him slightly off-balance and unsure how to respond. “Uh, I guess I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah, we’ll be there,” Charlie says. “And Todd, hey, be careful.”

“I will,” he says, and he keeps the phone at his ear even after Charlie’s hung up, Neil eyeing him uneasily.

“Are they okay?” Neil asks sheepishly.

“No,” Todd says, maybe a little cruelly, but fuck it, in for a penny in for a pound. “But they will be.”

“They’re coming to get you?” Neil rubs his neck, and Todd can’t tell if he looks a little disappointed or if that’s just wishful thinking on his part.

“Yeah, we have to get back. Graduation. You’re going to call them by the way, and apologize. Not right now. But soon,” Todd says, and Neil nods sheepishly, clearly too thrown off by Todd’s frankness to argue.

Todd retrieves the desk chair, a clunky wooden thing with a generically ugly geometric print upholstered over the seat, and positions himself in front of Neil, their knees inches apart when he sits.

“You could still come with us,” Todd says. “You could hide out at Charlie’s or something. You don’t have to go home.”

Neil presses his lips together into a tight line. “I can’t,” he says.

“Right,” Todd says, disappointed but not surprised. “Your master plan.”

“Todd, listen,” Neil says, and he leans forward, reaches out for Todd’s hand and it seems to take them both by surprise when Todd doesn’t pull away. “You could come with me.”

He’s still angry. He’s still heartbroken and angry and bitter and so fucking _sad_ he can barely stand it. But they only have twenty minutes. Twenty minutes, and then who-knows-what and the reality of it stretches between them and draws them close together.

There’s a part of him, a spark of the child he was, that jumps up and down in his heart, that begs him to hold Neil’s hand tighter and run away with him.

God, he wishes that part of him was enough.

“Neil-” Todd starts.

“I know,” Neil says, and squeezes his hand but doesn’t let go. “You can’t. Worth a shot, right?”

Todd looks at their hands, knows this moment will soon be a memory that he’ll turn over and over in his mind until it’s smooth and polished like a stone.

“I am sorry. For hurting you. For using you. I know it’s not enough, I know it’s not even close to being enough, but I did genuinely think, when I was setting everything up, I genuinely thought that I was doing the right thing. That I was, I don’t know, acknowledging this connection we have.”

Todd blinks. “You don’t even know me. Not really. Just bits and pieces.”

“I know,” Neil says. “I know that now. But I want to. I want to know everything Todd. However long it takes.”

There’s a long moment. Todd knows he’s supposed to say something now. It’s his turn. In the high school rom-com of his life there’d probably be a big swell of music. Maybe they’d kiss. But this isn’t the high school rom-com of his life, and instead there’s a long silence filled with nothing but the gentle hum of the air conditioner and Neil reaches out and touches his face, just the soft brush of fingertips on his cheek.

“So, what’s the master plan?” Todd says, more evenly than he ever imagined he could be with Neil’s hand on his face.

Neil pulls back slowly. “That’s probably giving me more credit than I deserve. Do you want the long version or the short version?”

“Given the fact that our friends are about 15 minutes away from busting down the door, I’d suggest the short version.”

“Uh, okay. Just not sure where the best place to start is. But basically, I’m moving to New York. I got into NYU, well, technically Steinhardt, and uh yeah. Moving to New York. Starting over I guess.” He breathes out in a big rush, almost stumbling over it in his barely hidden glee. “I had to do the whole thing behind my dad’s back, obviously. But I have a real acceptance letter and everything, so there’s not really anything he could do.”

“Neil. That’s...I mean that’s more of a plan than I expected. But how are you going to pay for school, and where the hell are you going to live until September? This is crazy. You know that right? This is crazy.”

Neil gets up suddenly, rummaging through the papers on his desk. “No but look, it actually isn’t. I’m not just going to roll up into New York empty-handed. I’m not an idiot.”

He sounds annoyed, like he’d expected Todd to be _proud_ of him for being so clever, so daring, so original.

“My dad’s older sister, they don’t get along at all. They don’t even really talk. But I reached out to her a while ago, asked if I could move in with her. She lives in Queens, so it’ll be a bit far out from campus, but it’s totally do-able.” He comes back over, shoves an opened letter into Todd’s hands. “I got this too. Scholarship. It’s not going to cover everything, but it’ll help and I can get a job when I get into the city and-”

Neil stops abruptly. “What?” He says.

“You don’t have to perform for me,” Todd says.

“I’m not,” Neil protests, and Todd stares up at him until Neil sits back on the bed with a soft thud. “Do you have to do that?”

“Do what?”

“You just…” Neil sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “You just. Throw me off balance.”

“Trust me,” Todd says. “It’s mutual.”

“So,” Neil says, picking at the comforter again. “What now?”

“I guess I go back to Welton. Graduation. Summer. Columbia. And you have a bus or something, I’m assuming? Going off to New York.”

“Well yeah,” Neil says, “but I meant more,” he reaches out for Todd’s hand again. “What now?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

There’s the sound of someone thumping down the hallway and they both freeze, anticipating Charlie or Ginny or Steven to come bursting down the door. But it doesn’t come.

Moment shaken, they look at each other, Neil laughing, head down and gaze bashful. “This isn’t really how I imagined this happening.”

“Which part? The part where I tracked you down to Walden? Or the part where I yelled at you in a crappy hotel room?”

“Little from column A, little from column B,” Neil says, and turns over their clasped hands so he can look at Todd’s watch. “Five minutes,” he says.

“Give or take,” Todd agrees, as if holding hands with Neil Perry in a motel room in Massachusetts is something he does every day.

“Todd,” Neil says, his eyes very intense. “Can I kiss you?”

He should say yes. He _wants_ to say yes. And god, he might regret this moment for the rest of his life if he doesn’t. Say yes. Say yes. Say yes.

Says instead, “We can’t.” Takes a long breath. “We can’t, because if I let you kiss me I don’t think I’ll be able to leave,” Todd admits.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Neil jokes halfheartedly.

“It would be.”

“Why? You and me against the world? Just like when we were kids.”

Todd shakes his head. “That’s exactly why. You’re just starting to figure out who you are and what you want, and maybe you’re doing it in a fucked up way but at least you’re _doing it,_ Neil. And if I’m there...You’ll never really figure out who you’re supposed to be. Who Neil Perry actually is. And I can’t fall in love with you if I don’t even know who you are.”

“You do know me,” Neil protests. “You know me better than I know myself.”

“I know,” Todd says. “And that’s the problem.”

Neil sighs and rubs his face. “I know you’re being mature about this, but it still totally sucks.”

“God, tell me about it,” Todd says. “I just turned down the chance to kiss Neil Perry. I’m pretty sure some past version of me is about to kick down the door and slap me.”

Todd’s phone vibrates with a text alert.

“That’s probably them, huh?” Neil asks. “Or possibly you from the future I guess.”

“I’d put my money on the former,” Todd says, but he doesn’t reach for his phone for a long moment. Just lets himself enjoy the moment. The feeling of Neil’s hand clasped around his for just a few more seconds before he has to pull away.

The text is from Steven.

_Waiting outside. I’m giving you five minutes before I come up._

“I’m pretty sure Steven Meeks wants to kill me,” Neil says, standing, having read the text upside-down.

“Just apologize to Charlie and he’ll get over it,” Todd says, standing. “Probably. He’s mostly just mad on his behalf.”

“I mean, good for Charlie I guess. He’s been in love with Steven for like, 5 years. He deserves to be happy.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Todd says and there’s another long, dreamlike moment that stretches on between the two of them. Neither wanting to be the first to give in to reality.

They should hug, Todd thinks. But it seems too dangerous. Teetering much too close to the edge of Neil’s charm, letting himself get sucked into the game once more. He’s held his own this far, but he’s tired and filled to the brim with emotions and there’s a desperate 12-year-old Todd in his heart who’s still fighting valiantly.

“I have to go,” Todd says finally.

“Yeah,” Neil says, “Yeah, uh, drive safe, okay?”

“You too,” Todd says, stepping towards the door.

Just go. Just go while you still can, he thinks.

But he can’t resist one look back, and Neil is standing there staring at the floor, hand on the back of his neck, and in a moment of either extreme bravery or extreme stupidity Todd finds himself striding into Neil’s space. One hand tight on his shoulder, the other pulling him in close and pressing their foreheads together.

Neil’s face widens in shock and then settles into calm, his eyes falling shut.

“You can kiss me in New York,” Todd says fiercely. “Just come and I’ll let you.”

“Where?” Neil asks.

“Find me,” Todd says.

And when he pulls away this time, he doesn’t look back.

 

epilogue.

Todd is late.

He’s out of breath and he curses himself, not having accounted for the increase in Thanksgiving traffic that makes it take almost an hour longer than usual to make his way home to his sixth-floor walk up.

Jeff had helped him find the place, pulling a few strings with an old friend in order to seal the deal. There’s no elevator, it’s ungodly expensive, and it’s so tiny that the shower is in the kitchen, and he doesn’t have to live with anyone else.

Or, well, normally he doesn’t live with anyone else. For the last few days Charlie, Steven, and Ginny have temporarily taken up residence on his floor and couch.

“We have to do Thanksgiving in New York!” Ginny had pleaded a few months earlier, barely in the frame of the video call from Boston, Steven’s couch not quite large enough to accommodate himself, Charlie, Ginny and Gerard (the latter two having started dating at the beginning of the summer).

“Look, my family’s going out of town, Gerard’s going on some weird hippie camping trip, Charlie’s family sucks, and Steven’ll do whatever Charlie does,” she had argued. “It makes perfect sense. Besides it’s not like you were going home anyways.”

Todd has to admit, despite his original reluctance, it’s been nice having the three of them in the city. The whole Neil ordeal had spurred a connection between the four of them that drives them closer together, despite the distance.

However, after three days of all four of them crammed into Todd’s apartment, he’d been thankful when his study group had decided to opt for a meeting over the break, with all three of them except Todd being local anyways. Or he _had_ been thankful until he’d gotten caught in a crossstream of holiday traffic on top of the usual rush hour traffic, stressing him out beyond belief the whole way home about what Charlie, Steven, and Ginny might have gotten up to in his tiny apartment in his absence.

The visions of terror start to subside, however, once Todd’s made his way up and out of the subway, his thoughts feeling freer now that he’s not crushed between so many bodies. Despite his ever-increasing faith in his friends’ ability to not destroy his apartment in their boredom like a pack of bored housecats, or, more accurately, his faith in Steven to stop Charlie and Ginny from doing any such destroying, he still half jogs, half power walks to his building.

The late afternoon sun is still holding out despite some billowing clouds that promise snow, but it’s cool and shadowy at street level thanks to the artificial canyon of the tall buildings. He pulls out his phone, there’s a few new texts from Jeffrey, and one from Knox who’s spending his Thanksgiving skiing with Chris and her family. But there’s nothing from Charlie, Ginny or Steven, so he pauses to dial Steven’s number as he starts the trek up to the sixth floor.

The rings echo alongside his footfalls, and he treads heavily up to the third floor where he pauses at the landing while Steven’s phone hits its familiar voicemail message.

_“Hey, you’ve reached Steven Meeks, please leave a short message at the beep. And stop leaving messages for Charlie, he’s an adult who can check his own voicemail, Ginny.”_

And then fainter in the background, Charlie; _“Wow, babe. Rude,”_ just before the beep.

Todd hangs up and frowns at his phone slightly, and debates whether or not he should send him a text. He decides on the latter, figuring that they’re probably upstairs anyways and it would take him about as much time to type the text as to climb the last few flights of stairs. Despite making the trek at least once a day for the last two months, Todd is slightly out of breath by the time he reaches his landing.

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath, mostly for the enjoyment of swearing with no teachers or parents hovering nearby to shush him, keys slipping against the fabric of his gloves. He pulls them off, shoving them into his coat pocket, and pulls his messenger bag open so he can fumble for his keys.

He’s distracted, half preoccupied with the bizarre disappearance and radio silence of his friends, half annoyed at his own inability to get a ring of keys out of a bag. But the blur of him in his peripheral vision is enough to slam him back into focus as he rounds the corner of the landing.

“Hi,” Neil Perry says shyly, huddled in a dark green peacoat and grey scarf outside his front door.

“Hi,” Todd says, frozen in surprise ten feet away, one arm still shoved in his messenger bag.

“I knocked, but I figured you must be out so I thought I’d wait.”

“Oh.”

There’s a long moment, the two of them staring at each other in shock. And while Todd’s imagined this moment more times than he’d like to admit, he’d started to lose hope around Halloween when Neil hadn’t tracked him down yet.  He figured either Neil wasn’t interested anymore or wasn’t ready, and not wanting to keep false hope alive either way.

Todd has so many questions that bubble to the surface, but the one that sticks isn’t _How did you find me?_ Or _Why did it take so long?_ But instead “Are those donuts?”

“Uh, yeah?” Neil says, like he’s not quite sure. Shifting the familiar flat box in his arms. “Did you know there’s over 500 Dunkin’ Donuts locations in New York?”

“Oh,” Todd says, as if this is an absolutely normal thing he does. Having conversations in his landing with his long-lost childhood crush. “No, I didn’t.”

“Yeah.” Neil says. He swallows. “Uh, it’s actually the biggest chain in the city. More locations than Starbucks.”

“Huh,” Todd says, finally managing to grasp his keys and extract his arm from his messenger back. “That’s surprising.”

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Neil says.

“Uh, did you come all this way to tell me that?” Todd says, not letting himself spend too much time settling on what he’d said to Neil the last time he’d seen him.

“Todd,” Neil says affectionately, “don’t be a dummy.”

And that’s enough to shatter the weird tension between them, Neil biting his lip as if to hide his grin as Todd rolls his eyes and walks past him to unlock his door.

“Besides,” Neil says, “I do live in Queens, it’s not like it’s _that_ far.”

“With your aunt, yeah? You’re like, two-thirds of the way to being Spider-man.” Todd says, as if having Neil Perry follow him into his apartment is an everyday occurrence, as if his palms aren’t sweating and the bottom of his stomach doesn’t keep doing flips like the drop of a rollercoaster.

“Right, just need to get some cool spider powers and a spandex suit,” Neil says, hovering slightly in the doorway.

“Do you wanna come in?” Todd asks. “I thought you were Spider-man, not a vampire.”

“Ha,” Neil deadpans, but he steps inside so Todd can shut the door behind him.

“Oh shit!” Todd exclaims, noticing the emptiness of the apartment, the extra blankets and pillows folded on top of the couch and the opened suitcase on the floor.

“What?” Neil tenses, alarmed.

“Uh, I may have lost Charlie and Steven Meeks and Ginny,” Todd says, pacing across the living room into the small alcove he’d blocked off with a screen to act as his bedroom, though he basically knows before he looks none of them will be behind it. He’d have heard them moving around the moment he came in.

He pulls out his phone, sending a frantic _WHERE ARE YOU!?_ to both Steven and Ginny while Neil watches him from a distance, still huddled in his coat.

“Sorry,” Todd says, putting his phone on the kitchen counter so he’ll hear it immediately if it vibrates. “They were supposed to meet me back here about an hour ago. Traffic was shit.”

“Well,” Neil says evenly, setting his box of donuts on the counter beside his phone, “if it’s all backed up they’re probably just stuck in it too.”

Todd chews on his bottom lip, knowing Neil is probably right but feeling a little rattled all the same. “Maybe. God, I’m not looking forward to Christmas.”

“Tell me about it,” Neil says. “I’m like two weeks ahead on all my assignments ‘cause I do them all on my commute.”

“Oh god,” Todd says. “We’re talking about the fucking MTA. That’s worse than talking about the weather.”

“How’s it compared to talking about the number of Starbucks to Dunkin’ Donuts locations though?” Neil asks, his grin a threat across his mouth.

“Probably a step up,” Todd says just as his phone vibrates loudly against the laminate counter. “You can, uh, take your jacket and stuff off, if you want,” he says lamely, opening his text.

_In traffic. 20 mins away._ Steven’s texted him, and Todd looks up to see Neil carefully folding his jacket over the arm of his couch and his heart swells up into his throat.

“You were right,” Todd says. “Traffic.”

Neil nods, his limbs looking coltish and thin without the barrier of his coat. He’s had a haircut since Walden, the sides neat and the fringe slightly too short.

“So,” Neil says finally, after a pause that is neither awkward nor companionable. “Uh, how’s stuff? How’s your family?”

Todd makes a face.

“Oh, god,” Neil says, leaning against the arm of the couch. “What happened?”

  “Well, ironically, it’s actually Jeffrey they’re disappointed in. For the first time ever in living memory. I don’t know if you ever heard about it, but he was living with this girl, Miriam, and we didn’t know for a long time if they were together or what exactly the deal was.”

“Sounds vaguely familiar.”

“Right, so, turns out they’d been together for like, the entire time they lived together. Basically two years. Which would have been enough for a big family melodrama in itself.”

“It gets worse?”

“Oh, much. The only reason my mom found out they were together is because Miriam’s mom called to tell her how excited she was about the engagement and how Jeffrey was such a welcome addition to their family.”

Neil’s eyebrows disappear into his fringe. “Holy shit!”

“Yeah, turns out Jeffrey had been spending a lot of time with Miriam’s family. Which makes sense if she’s his girlfriend, but a lot of it was because he’s actually in the middle of converting to Judaism.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Todd says. “It’s been a whole big thing. Which is stupid because, like, we don’t go to church, not even on Christmas, but suddenly they’re all up in arms about it. I can’t believe he managed to keep it from mom and dad that long though. They’re usually super up in his business.”

“And you’re okay with all of this?” Neil asks.

“Honestly, it’s kind of been good for me and Jeff, you know? He kinda gets how I see mom and dad a lot better now. Plus Miriam is really cool and they come into the city a lot so we hang out. It’s nice.  And he’s really found, you know, spiritual fulfillment in Judaism, which is super different for him, but whatever. I’m happy for him. It just is going to ruin Christmas for the foreseeable forever. Not cause he’ll be Jewish, just cause my parents will never let it go.” Todd shrugs,

Neil nods, and it’s comforting, despite the ridiculousness of both the whole Jeffrey situation and the fact that Neil is sitting in his apartment with a box of donuts hearing about it.

“Uh, did you go home on Thursday?” Todd asks, and immediately regrets it when he sees Neil wince and try to cover it.

“No. God, no.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’ve only talked to my dad, like, once. I called in September just to say I was safe and at my aunt’s, and well, it didn’t go so well. I’ve called my mom a few times but,” he shrugs, “it’s all just a big fucking mess. I don’t know. I hope they’ll come around eventually. But if they don’t, at least I tried, right?”

“Hmmm,” Todd hums. “Did you want uh, like coffee or something? Tea? Sorry, I should have asked.”

“No. No, I’m okay,” Neil says, rubbing his hands on his thighs before standing. “Anyways, stuff is good with my aunt. Her wife - my other aunt essentially - Janine, she works at this mental health clinic, so I’ve been seeing a therapist about it. It’s helping a lot, actually.”

“That’s great, Neil. I’m really happy for you,” Todd says, wishing he’d wanted coffee so he’d have something to do with his hands, which he’s holding clasped in front of him like a small child in a store with breakable objects.

“So, uh, how are your classes?” Neil asks earnestly, and Todd stares at him for a long moment. Neil frowns self-consciously. “What?”

“Did you seriously come all this way to make small talk about my classes with me?” Todd says finally. “I haven’t seen you in, what, five months? And you turn up at my front door completely unexpectedly? How did you even know I lived here?”

Neil rubs the back of his neck. “I was just trying to be, I don’t know, polite?”

“Well don’t, it’s weird,” Todd says, stepping out of the tiny alcove of his kitchen.

“Sorry,” Neil says.

“They’re fine, by the way. My classes.”

“Oh,” Neil says. “Good. That’s good. Mine too.”

“Awesome,” Todd says with a huff. “Thank god we’ve established that.”

Neil grins at him unexpectedly, bursting out a delighted laugh.

“What?” Todd says.

“Nothing. You’re just so-” Neil starts but can’t seem to finish. “I miss you.”

It hangs in the space between them, the feeling just as much as the words, and Todd can feel his annoyance and anger soften, taking a step closer to Neil just as his front door slams open.

“Todd, oh my god, I cannot believe you live here I never want to set foot on one of those trains again!” Charlie exclaims, bursting through the doorway, never one for a quiet entrance.

He spots Neil first, standing by the coach, eyes going wide in surprise, glancing quickly over to Todd and back again.

“Hi,” Charlie says, voice oddly high-pitched.

“Hey man,” Neil says.

“Heya. Hi.” Charlie says. “Uh, hey Todd? We’re really hungry, so, uh, did you want us to wait or maybe get takeout and come back or…?” He trails off.

“No, it’s fine. You guys go ahead,” Todd says.

“Sure,” Charlie says. “Sure. Cool cool cool.”

“See ya Charlie,” Neil says with a wave.

“Yeah. Cool. See you too,” Charlie says, backing up slowly and pulling the door shut with a firm thump. There’s a long moment of silence before Charlie’s shout of _“STEVEN! Oh my god you’ll never guess!”_ echoes in the hallway.

“Well that was dramatic,” Neil says.

“So Charlie didn’t tell you?” Todd asks. “That’s my theory down the drain then.”

“I mean, he didn’t explicitly tell me,” Neil says. “He actually straight-up refused to tell me, but he did sort of tell me. Indirectly. It’s complicated.”

Todd had known that Charlie and Neil had been in fairly regular contact after their run-in in Walden.

(Which he got fairly regular updates on through Steven’s increasingly exasperated texts. No one knows how to hold a grudge quite like Steven Meeks.)

But despite this information, he’d had no idea that Charlie had kept his location a secret from Neil. Todd finds himself oddly flattered that Charlie hadn’t handed him an easy answer to his problems.  

“Complicated?” Todd echoes. “Do tell.”

“Well basically-” Neil starts, only to be cut off once again by the door slamming open, this time by Ginny, who’s panting and out of breath, presumably having just run up six entire flights of stairs.

“I just need my hat,” she breathes out, red in the face and winded from the climb. It’s a fairly transparent excuse since her coat has a hood and Charlie is constantly cold and carries around extra gloves and hats like he expects a sudden ice age at any time.

“I left it in your room,” she says, arms folded tightly against her obvious lie, before she marches in and grabs Todd on her way past.

“What are you doing?” Todd hisses under his breath once they’re behind the screen, because he doesn’t even technically have a ‘room,’ just a bed and an Ikea shelf behind the divider. They’d had to move the coffee table too to fit the air mattress on the floor, and it’s an even tighter fit with the two of them. “We were having a moment.”

Ginny pauses, rummaging around in her suitcase for a hat. “I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she whispers, grabbing his hand and squeezing it once.

“Ginny-” Todd starts, squeezing her hand back, and she shakes her head once, before letting go and adjusting her hat over her hair. She strides past Todd back into the living room.

Neil, to his credit, has pretended to be interested in perusing Todd’s tiny apartment rather than obviously eavesdropping on their conversation. Or maybe he’s genuinely interested in the smattering of textbooks, notebooks, and novels Todd has cluttered on his desk.

Ginny artfully navigates the half-deflated air mattress and pauses by the door, her dark purple coat swishing around her knees. “Todd, we’re going to that Greek place down the street. We should be back in 45 minutes.” She eyes the box of donuts on the counter. “And we’re taking these,” she says, snatching up the box before Todd can protest.

She shoots a last look over her shoulder at Neil, “Hey Perry,” she says, pointing towards her eyes and then him in the universally recognized sign of ‘I’ll be watching you.’

“Yes, Virginia,” Neil says, rolling his eyes.

Ginny sticks her tongue out at him before whirling around, closing the door behind her with a thunk.

“She’s still pretty pissed, huh?” Todd asks.

“Yes and no. I mean, she’s still definitely hurt, but mostly she just likes lording it over me I think. I’m going to be owing her until I’m like 45.” Neil shrugs. “But enough about that, I cannot _believe_ you invited me into your apartment and didn’t _immediately_ show me your sick balcony.”

“It’s not really that much of a big deal,” Todd says. And it isn’t. It’s just a tiny Juliet balcony, just large enough for a person to stand on but not big enough to get the windows shut behind you.

“Todd, this is like, the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” Neil says, fiddling with the latch and pulling the windows open, the sounds of the street drifting up easily and letting the cool November air into the apartment. It’s starting to snow just ever so slightly, big snowglobe flakes drifting in the breeze.

Neil laughs in amusement, taking a step forward, leaning over the railing to get a view of the street below, snow sticking in his hair before quickly melting away.  “God, this is so much better than the school roof,” Neil says, stepping back into the apartment.

“Neil,” Todd says. “Are you going to tell me how you found me or…?”

“Oh right. Shit. Sorry. Your cool balcony distracted me.”

“You’re letting snow into my apartment,” Todd says.

“Oh, sorry. Do you want me to close this?”

“No it’s fine actually, it’s nice. You were saying?”

Neil chews his lip. “Right. Where was I? Charlie wouldn’t tell me, blah blah blah, I tried to look you up in the phone book, blah blah blah, called a lot of wrong numbers ectera, ectera. At one point I actually tried to get the student registry because I have a friend of a friend who works at the newspaper at Columbia. But apparently giving out confidential student information is ‘illegal’ and ‘morally wrong,’” Neil says, making air quotes.

“Wait you _what_?” Todd asks. “When?”

Neil shrugs. “Uh, I think that was like, early October.”

“You’ve been trying to find me since October?”

Neil’s eyebrows knit together and his eyes go soft. “Todd, I’ve been trying to find you since you walked out of that motel room.”

“Because I said you could kiss me?”

“No! Well, I mean, kind of. But mostly because I miss you and I wanted to and I’ve imagined this so many times in my head and I’m doing it so badly right now,” Neil says, hand tugging on the cuff of his shirt awkwardly.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“And after the student registry thing didn’t work?” Todd prompts.

Neil sighs. “I moped around a bunch. Showed up to a couple English classes and asked around if anyone knew you. Begged Ginny to tell me where you were. Blah blah blah. Asked Charlie again. Set up a Google alert.”

“What, in case I was in the news?”

Neil shrugs. “You never know. Anyways, I’d basically given up, dead end, no leads, and then Charlie, he posted pictures outside your apartment on Instagram. Here, I have them-” He digs in his pocket for his phone, pulling up not Instagram, but instead his saved photos folder.

“Here,” Neil says, handing his phone to Todd.

He hasn’t actually seen these pictures, never being one for Instagram, but they’re the sort of pictures he can see Charlie taking. One of Steven on the phone on the sidewalk in front of his building, probably when he called Todd to let him know they were there. Another of Ginny overexaggeratedly pouting while sitting on her suitcase with the caption _Ginny vs. Todd’s Six Story Walk Up_ . Lastly, a selfie captioned _the bf & the bff & nyc _, the three of them pressed in close together in the frame, the alleyway of buildings marching off behind them.

“How did you find me from these?” Todd asks. No obvious landmarks jump out at him from the photos. His rather generic building only barely appears in them, no obvious street signs in the background. “Did you just wander around the five boroughs with your phone until you happened upon my building?”

“I mean- almost, kinda,” Neil says. “I mean, I had some help to narrow it down.”

He leans over and scrolls back to the selfie of the three of them, zooms in just slightly, pointing. “See,” Neil says. “Right there.”

“There are over 500 Dunkin’ Donuts locations in New York,” Todd says, half under his breath. “Neil, holy shit, that’s...that’s insane.”

“I know,” Neil says.

“These photos are from Tuesday. How did you even find me that fast? Have you slept in the last three days?”

Neil shrugs. “I mean, you’re making it sound a lot harder than it actually was. I figured you probably lived in Manhattan, and fairly close to campus, and the Dunkin’ was a corner location, so like, that narrows it down a lot obviously.”

“Did you just make, like, a treasure map of Dunkin’ Donuts and spend three days wandering around cross-referencing them to Instagram photos?”

“Well, when you say it like that it sounds super pathetic,” Neil says, pouting, but Todd can tell it’s just for dramatic effect.

“No, it’s actually…” Todd grapples a moment for the right word. Flattering? Impressive? But nothing that comes to mind seems to capture the vastness of how he feels having Neil Perry fight this hard for him. To do the almost impossible, just so he can be standing here in Todd’s cramped apartment.

“Some Nancy Drew level sleuthing?” Neil suggests.

“Something like that,” Todd says. “Between the two of us we’re like the Hardy Boys.”

Neil winces. “Er, or maybe not. You know? Cause they’re brothers.”

“What?” Todd says, laughing a little in confusion.

Neil looks at him earnestly. “The Hardy Boys. They’re brothers. And, uh, that might make it kind of weird. You know, because you said I could kiss you?”

“Oh,” Todd says. “Oh! Right.”

Neil smiles to hold back a laugh. “Sorry, bad time to bring it up?”

“No,” Todd says. “Not at all.”

“Good,” Neil says, stepping closer, one hand tracing down Todd’s arm to grab his hand, the other resting at the base of his neck. Todd exhales slowly, and lets himself linger in the moment.

The sun has finally dipped down, and while it never truly winds down in New York, the comfortable muffle of evening has settled over the city. The buildings on his street and in the distance create a patchwork quilt of light.

And this boy. This imperfect, improbable mystery of a boy. Hundreds of miles from where they started, Neil Perry, snowflakes on his eyelashes, looks down at him like he’s home.

So Todd leans up, and kisses him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Much love and infinite gratitude to Meg (letssoakemforcrutchy) for lending her editing prowess and to Rachel (evol_love) for being my constant cheerleader, brainstorm partner, and my most important critic. You can find me on tumblr where I'm also phonecallfromgod.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Short Telephonic History of the Hipster and the Ginger](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11519184) by [Chestnut_filly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chestnut_filly/pseuds/Chestnut_filly), [phonecallfromgod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/phonecallfromgod/pseuds/phonecallfromgod)




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